In previous generations, shame was a way of keeping infidelity and affairs constrained. You didn’t want to have an affair or consider one, due to the shame you’d feel.
That shame wasn’t just directed at you. That shame impacted both you and your family.
Another two factors that constrained affairs in the past were lack of birth control and sexually transmitted diseases.
John Bradshaw said of shame ‘Shame lets us know our limits‘ he continued on, “Shame reminds us that we are limited“. That sensation serves as a warning signal that things have gone too far. Sadly, you may have ignored the warnings and gone ‘full speed ahead”.
Medical technology and pharmacy advancements have mitigated these factors, to where the sting of an affair isn’t as bad as they were in the past. With those constraints neutralized, one of the few remaining limiters was ‘shame’.
Now, in the 21st century, shame no longer constrains would-be cheaters like before. In the modern, so-called progressive society, many would-be cheaters bypass shame constraints.
Shame is seen as a ‘bad’ thing, even though it kept bad behaviors in line. Consider the current negative reactions when accusations of fat shaming or some other kind of shaming now happens.
Bear in mind that not only adultery, but gluttony are both classified as sins.
Shame is viewed as the bad thing, while affairs are touted and celebrated. Licentiousness is celebrated with celebratory walks and parades.
Instead of less shame, there needs to be more of it when it comes to affairs. Instead of celebrating the moral diversity of infidelity, the opposite tack should be used.
The celebration of the moral diversity of infidelity needs to be shut down and one of the proven ways of shutting it down is shame.
When immorality is celebrated, it changes moral standards. Immorality becomes increasingly accepted until it is the new ‘normal’.
When standards are no longer about what is right and wrong, but instead what’s been redefined as normal and acceptable as opposed to what is relegated to unacceptable or unapproved, society has lost its moral compass.
When the moral compass is broken, new standards are set and promoted. The tragedy is that when standards are normal based on promotion rather than rightness or wrongness, there is nothing to stop the tide.
Societal standards become a joke in the form of “Norm of the Month”. Each month you get a new immorality being selected for celebration.
When society changes what ‘s acceptable that much, it becomes schizophrenic. Society breaks from reality.
Shame is important in keeping immoral behaviors constrained. We need more “Shame on you!” and less “Celebrate (insert the immoral behavior or pet sin of the month)!”.
If you are one of those who ignored shame and went ‘full speed ahead’, you’d like the video “Overcoming Affair Trauma“. You may have told yourself all was ok, yet your body knew otherwise. It was not okay and now you are suffering.
There are ways you can move past that suffering and get back to living life and having healthy relationships.
Best Regards,
Jeff
4 Responses
Some “dad” thoughts…. I enjoyed the article (and the others). It did bring some things to mind…
1. Rom. 1:21-22 says that when we turn from God we cannot think straight. broken moral compass.
2. Fornication is the only sin that is a sin against one’s body (1 Cor. 6:18). What is the smallest sin in the Bible? “Flea fornication”……lol
3. There are two types of shame – good shame and bad shame. Good shame tells me that what I did was wrong and I should change from doing it again. Bad shame says that there is something wrong with me and I cant fix it.
Dad,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and comments. My own thoughts are that cheaters not only have a broken moral compass and have trouble thinking straight, their thought process is warped. The longer they stay in that way of life, the more permanent the warping becomes. My suspicion is that the warping is related to the new neural pathways that are formed which lead to abnormal brain development/growth. Abnormal growths are not good. When they go too long without being stopped, it leads to health problems.
In terms of the shame, those are some wonderful points. In today’s society, shame is often painted black, regardless of whether it is good shame or bad shame. Medications are often used to circumvent the shame response, which messes things up in a major way as well. The systems are so messed up that the normal checks and balances of our bodies do not alert us to problems until they are often beyond recovery. So you have the damage from the affair in terms of new programming, new emotional responses, along with moral distortions and wrecked relationships. These things can be recovered from when caught early enough. The problem is that when the shame and other checks/balances are disengaged, the damage worsens to where it is not so easy to recover from them. By the time the cheater ‘wakes up’, things are out of control.
On the article…
I AGREE!
My big question is WHAT can we do about the immorality in others, like spouses? My understanding of the Biblical mandate of marriage is monogamy. WHY do irresponsible, unfaithful people make promises they have no intention of keeping?? If you PURSUE immorality, why marry? It really puts the “faithful” spouse in a terrible spot… to “act with forgiveness and mercy and goodwill” while the cheater uses this for advantage.
Why can’t godly people marry and stay married?
It is so frustrating.
Beck,
Thank you so much for your comments. You pose some challenging questions that many people, like you often wrestle with. In response to your first question, “WHAT can we do about the immorality in others, like spouses?” Prevention is always easier than damage control, even with immoral spouses. This can be done in many ways. One, is to make sure that you and your spouse share the same view of marriage. This is the covenant versus contract debate. If the two of you are not on the same page, it limits your options. Once there is immorality, you have different options.
It is imperative that you pray for your spouse. Their immorality often reveals weakness. When the two of you work together on their weakness, there is a greater likelihood that it can be overcome. An affair does not have to mean the end of a marriage. There are also interventions that you can undertake in overcoming the immorality as well. The two of you will need to spend more time together (minimum 20 hours a week), you will need to share meals when possible. The two of you will also need a new foundation for your marriage since trust has been damaged. In the “Can I Trust You Again” video, I go over how to go about rebuilding a new foundation, and what it needs to be focused on.
You will need some discernment regarding what is behind their immorality and intervene at the root of it. The two of you will also need to change many of the patterns of your routine. You will also need to engage your spouse in active thinking, along with taking steps at reducing passive behaviors, since those passive behavior patterns often lead to more immorality.
The two of you will also need to take steps to ‘hating’ immorality. As long as it is tolerated or enjoyed, it will not be overcome.
Your next question is WHY do irresponsible unfaithful people make promises they have no intention of keeping? The answer is that they have ‘good intentions’ at the time. They acted in the moment. This irresponsible thing is common not on with immorality, but also with those who do not pay their bills or show up to work on time. Irresponsibility often spreads to other areas of their lives. It rarely stays contained to one sphere.
Your next question, “If you PURSUE immorality, why marry?” is often a touchy question in modern society. You made reference to the Biblical mandate of monogamy. Another Biblical mandate is that of “raising godly seed.” Modern society and many churches have turned marriage into a sexfest rather than about raising families. Adhering to one mandate, but not the others often leads to problems. You have to accept the whole deal that comes with marriage, including the godly seed portion. Marriage in terms of Biblical mandates is not a self-serve buffet where you can pick and choose the items that you want in the portions that you want.
Your comment, “It really puts the “faithful†spouse in a terrible spot… to “act with forgiveness and mercy and goodwill†while the cheater uses this for advantage.” Marriage has a way of forcing the selfishness out of people and learning what ‘love’ is really about. It is often a challenging training course. Love is not about fairness. When you get love and fairness confused, it leads to more conflicts and disappointments. Love is also something that you often have to learn. When love is defined as those euphoric feelings, then it will come and go depending on the weather and hormonal fluctuations. That does not make for a solid foundation for a relationship.
“Why can’t godly people marry and stay married?” If they are godly all the time, they can. The problem is that godly people do not consistently act the way they are supposed to. Although they are godly, they often forget it and act more animal like than godly. They forget who they are. This is why Paul often used the admonition “Let me bring you to remembrance…” He wished to remind them of who they are and their true nature rather than those lapses where they regress to animal like, self-focused creations. Your use of the term ‘frustrating’ is accurate. Frustration is about being blocked. Many times our good intentions and well wishes are blocked by the selfish choices or actions of our spouses. It is as if a wall suddenly appears out of nowhere, blocking our pathways. At that point we are ‘frustrated’ or blocked. When one spouse is working harder on the marriage than the other, it often leads to sensations of frustration.
Thank you again for your thought-provoking questions.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah