I like the expression, “deer in the headlights“. It’s descriptive of the stunned look deer have when they suddenly find themselves in your headlights. Deer are also capable of doing major damage to your vehicle.
I often saw that same look on the face of couples when I questioned them on their reason for seeing me. I made a point of asking “Are you looking for marriage counseling or divorce counseling?”
Their response was one of those deer in the headlight experiences. I could tell they had never considered their situation from that angle before.
They weren’t sure whether they wanted to save their marriage or whether they wanted an amicable split. The question put them on the spot. At that moment, they had to decide what they wanted to do rather than finding ways of resisting marriage counseling.
They had to decide what the focus of their counseling would be.
I recalled this when a reader wrote to me, “I feel you concentrate on couples who have marriage problems at the start and the middle of their problems but you forget to give advice to people like me.”
The writer is feeling that her marriage is facing what they feel is the ‘end of their marriage’. Her comment struck me.
What do you say at the end stage of a marriage?
I considered whether it’s really the end of her marriage or that she feels so overwhelmed, she feels like giving up. I wondered if what’s going on is that each of them have separate agendas.
When you and your spouse have separate agendas, each of you are moving in different directions. At that point, the subject of divorce is presented as a sediment.
(I use the term sediment, because it sinks to the bottom, like refuse and isn’t part of the solution.)
When a divorce appears imminent, at that point, divorce counseling may be an option. I generally don’t counsel for divorce. Instead, it’s about what their marriage needs when the problems reach an advanced state of dissolution.
At that point they need help for improving communication, preparing for change and keeping trauma to a minimum. Break downs in communication don’t benefit anyone except divorce lawyers.
Wherever you are in your marriage after an affair, you need support and direction. The support community at Restored Lifestyle is a place where you can freely discuss your concerns using the avatar of your choice.
You’ll also find resources and videos to help you through that part of your recovery.
Best Regards,
Jeff
