Over the years I’ve grown accustomed to the snarky comments left on posts and news feeds. I actually welcome them now rather than react to them.
When you are dealing with an affair, there’s lots of raw feelings. Some are messages of hurt, others are snarky and cutting.
Given the level of hurt, I understand the snarkiness being expressed. I get it, “hurt people hurt people“.
Deep hurts leave deep scars. Anytime you touch or even get near those scars, there’s a reaction. So when a reader left the comment “They will repeat their actions” after giving her a message regarding rebuilding trust, I understand.
She’s lost hope and is pessimistic about her cheater changing his ways. She feels trapped in a merry-go-round of repeating dysfunctional behavior.
One way of insuring that a cheater repeats their actions is doing nothing. Not taking action is the surest way of keeping them doing what they’re doing.
A second way of making sure they repeat their actions is continuing what you’re doing. When you keep your old patterns in place, you’ll keep getting the same results.
True change requires changes in two major areas. When you only see change in how they think or talk it’s not going to last.
I look for changes in their head (thinking) and heart (emotions) along with their behavior. When you hear change, but don’t see it, it’s not going to last.
Likewise, when you see changes, yet their thinking or emotions haven’t changed, it’s not going to last either.
You may have some new insights and ideas, but if your behaviors stay the same, the cheater’s behaviors will continue the same way too.
There’s a tendency to stay with what’s familiar. When what’s familiar to you is dysfunctional, you continue getting the same old patterns.
It could be that you have blind spots you don’t see. Those blind spots may be keeping you locked into unhealthy patterns.
One way of addressing those blind spots is with support groups like the recovery community at Restored Lifestyle. There you can share and learn from what others have gone through. You’ll also have access to the videos and articles you need in recovering from an affair and making changes stick.
Best Regards,
Jeff
