If you ever pick up one of my books, they are filled with notes and underlined passages. Over the years, I’ve developed a system of stars, exclamation points and comments that guide me through them. This means that anytime I pick up the book again, I can navigate right to the noteworthy parts.
The symbols and squiggles used each have their own meaning, like road signs directing me. In my mind, the underlining, comments and note taking helps me squeeze the most out of what I read.
These tools also help me find noteworthy quotes and phrases where the author eloquently expresses an idea.
One quote that I marked by Scott P. Richert was “Language was once a tool for expressing truth; now, it is merely a weapon for winning arguments.”
His comment has many applications these days. I find his comment exceptionally fitting when it comes to arguing with cheaters.
They argue over whether what they did was an affair, what to call it and whether it needs further discussion or not. In each of these areas, words are used that either hide the truth or more frequently used like a weapon in an argument.
Some words they use like swords, others like hammers and some still, like saw blades. I’ve even encountered words and phrases used like grenades, knives and bombs.
When words are used like that, getting to the truth about what happened gets lost along the way. Like useless baggage, it’s tossed from the conversation.
Sadly when conversation switches from uncovering the truth to winning an argument, it brings out the worst in both of you. Each new argument only picks up where the last one ended.
It’s as if the argument never ended. It feels like the same fight over and over.
This begs the question “When the affair comes up, is your discussion one that uncovers the truth or an argument each of you tries to win?”
Your answer determines which direction your marriage is headed. It can turn into a vicious cycle or move forward.
If your situation is one filled with more argument than truth, you would benefit from the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and healing Questions“. It guides you in making your way through the maze of words and word games that impedes affair recovery.
Think about how much smoother recovery from the affair would go if the two of you worked together in uncovering the truths about what happened rather than hiding it and competing with each other instead.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
4 Responses
Just an opinion, but I like these post types where comments are anonymous. I do see both sides here. Truth vs. winning. But I find that getting to the truth can be very difficult.
Anonymous,
I try to keep comments anonymous whenever writers ask for it or the topic is hyper sensitive. Getting to the truth can be very difficult. There are many factors making it that way which includes shame, difficulty changing old behavior patterns, fear and lack of experience in getting to the truth. It sounds easy, yet often requires loving persistence and fearlessness.
What do you think it requires to get to the truth?
Jeff
I know I have stated this before. Start with basic questions and backing it up with a polygraph test. Personally I see fear of loss as a motivation of ongoing deception. For me, if someone spent five years living a lie, they should be willing to do whatever is asked of them. If they really want to salvage the relationship. One can not build or rebuild on a foundation of partial truths. Funny thing about deception is at some point the truth slips out. When it does one has to go back and restart over and over again. Until 100 percent is exposed, setbacks and trust continue to be broken.
Anonymous,
I like your statement, “One can not build or rebuild on a foundation of partial truths.” I do have reservations about polygraphs. Highly experienced liars and sociopaths can pass polygraphs. They are not the solution that is often assumed.