Over the years, I’ve found nuggets of wisdom in many places. One nugget a woman named Donna shared with me was that “Friends are friends and lovers are lovers”. She went on in pointing out that one can’t be the other and vice versa. The expectations and needs of friends differ from those in a romantic relationship.
At the time, I think she was tactfully putting limits on our relationship. Yet on closer examination, there was a nugget of truth about relationships in what she said.
This was an interesting perspective that I had never considered before. After giving it some thought, I realized she was right. It’s important to be clear about what role someone plays in your life. Trying to be something you’re not is bound to lead to disappointment.
At the time, I think she was trying to set a boundary and make it clear that we were friends and would never be anything more. Whatever her intention, her comment is worth considering deeper.
It came back to me on seeing a reader looking for help with a “Long term secret affair with a friend”. Like the famous Ocam’s razor, Donna’s truism slices through the deception.
If there’s a long-term secret affair, they’re lovers. They quit being ‘friends’ when the affair started. In referring to the affair as secret, it tells me that they know better.
The reader knows they’re doing wrong. This cheater is also trying to keep the relationship with the lover by referring to them as ‘a friend’. Their already playing head games with themselves.
When a cheater plays those kinds of head games with themselves, what makes you think they’ll be honest with you in terms of what’s going on and what it’s called.
If your spouse is having such a relationship with a ‘friend’, then they’re having an affair. The friend is not a friend, they’re a lover. If they were a friend, it would’ve ended long before.
When your spouse and their lover are keeping a long-term affair from you, it’s a conspiracy. They are united in keeping you in the dark. Such alliances also mean that they’re making you look like a fool who’s being kept in the dark. Some friend, right?
This is one of the reasons I included a section in the Affair Recovery Workshop addressing the ‘drama’ triangle that forms when your spouse and the lover conspire against you. It’ll make you feel like you’re going crazy and keeps the drama intense.
The drama triangle needs to stop if you want a chance at recovery. When allowed to continue, it energizes the affair and keeps putting you on the outside.
Instead of feeling like a third wheel, you can intervene and stop the game from playing. Click and download your copy of the workshop so that you’ll have the tool you need in handling these kinds of situations.
Drama triangle situations keep things stirred up. As long as your spouse teams up with the lover against you, it chokes off communication and limits problem-solving. It’s an impediment to getting past the affair.
Rather than putting up with roadblocks like this, you can instead remove them.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
