Although I’ve addressed many topics regarding affairs, there are some items readers continue searching for month after month. Rather than touching on them every month, I make it a point to touch on those topics occasionally. For those who’ve been with me for a while, some topics are good for refreshing. If you’re like me, you may have forgotten some of the basics.
Even Saint John wrote about the importance of bringing things to remembrance. It’s not that you forgot about those items, it just helps to have a refresher. The topic I’m referring to today is the effect of affairs on children. Let me start by saying the affair impacts your children. Don’t confuse them taking the news of the affair in stride with it has negligible impact on them.
Several scenarios can arise from an affair and it’s important to remember that your children are always in the center. They may be too young to understand, but their little minds are trying to process what’s going on. It’s important to be aware of how they may be feeling and to address their emotions in a healthy and age-appropriate manner.
One common effect of affairs on children is insecurity. They may feel like they are not loved or valued by their parents if one of them cheats. This can lead to behavioral issues, such as acting out or seeking attention from others. They may be getting into trouble at school not because of their lack of self-control, but rather as a reaction to their parent cheating and hiding secrets.
It’s important for you as a parent to assess how much your child knows about the affair. I’m going to touch on just some of the high points of this topic. The affair impacts them in both the short and long term. Even if you’re the step-parent, they’re impacted by the affair.
The whole security of the family is shaken by the affair. It brings insecurity into the marriage relationship. When you’re insecure, the fears surrounding that insecurity encroach on your ability to learn. It not only impairs your ability to learn, but it also impacts your child’s ability to learn as well.
Young minds work best when they feel safe. Affairs make the family unsafe. When there’s trouble between their parents, it elevates insecurity and fear. Their misbehavior at school may be more about your marital situation than rebellion on their part. Since their parents’ marriage relationship is the foundation for the family, any insecurity there has repercussions.
Another area impacted is communication. The affair changes the communication within the family, including between parent and child. Initially, the impact strains the relationship. That strained relationship can turn into a starting point for parental alienation.
The affair also role models what’s expected of both men and women. When parental role modeling includes an affair, it shapes what they think about relationships and what they expect about themselves. It shows them how men and women are to behave and treat each other. It shows them how men and women are supposed to dress and talk with each other.
It’s not about what you tell them is right and wrong, it’s about what you show them. They’ll see the screaming, yelling, name-calling and shaming. They’ll pick up on what you call men and women who disagree with you. Not only that but how you and your spouse handle the affair shows your children how conflicts are dealt with. It becomes a live demonstration of how they’re expected to handle things.
So all the yelling, screaming and name-calling is giving your children hands-on training in self-control or the lack of it. If Mom and Dad do it, it must be acceptable. Doing it behind closed doors only muffles the sound. Your children know when things are going well, even when you hide it from them.
This makes how you handle the affair extremely important for the moment and for the future. Your actions are showing your children what’s important in life and how to handle it.
This also means it’s important to have good tools for dealing with the situation. You want tools that deliver results that help your marriage. In my downloadable “Affair Recovery Workshop”, I include a section on changing family patterns related to affairs.
Cleaning up the affair mess between the two of you is only one part of recovery. Cleaning up the mess so that it doesn’t become a family tradition is another important part of recovery. Order your copy of the workshop today and start transforming your marriage and family into a healthier one.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
