How to cope with a cheating spouse

Questions are important. The questions we ask direct and determine what kind of answers we will find. In the aftermath of an affair, there are many questions. Some of them are distractions that keep people from looking at and considering what are the important issues. Questions concerning how long one should wait are some of the distracting questions. A more pertinent questions is how strongly do you believe in Marriage? How long did you promise to love, honor and obey? Modern society fosters a spoiled child mindset that when things do not go our way or we are uncomfortable, we can call it quits. The way the law is you can, but in doing so, the value you place on the marriage is not much more than the infidels.  Just in considering time related questions, the mind is looking for rationalizations. When working through affairs, it is more important that you focus on what you need to do that day, what you need to do now, and let the future take care of itself. If you are really brave, try looking at the relationship from your spouse’s viewpoint, just to consider what blind spots they may see in yourself that you don’t see. Staying in relationships takes effort, commitment and sacrifice. Is it possible to put time frames on effort, commitment and sacrifice? It depends on whether your love and commitment are conditional or not. If you love is conditional, you can put time frames on everything. If your love is unconditional, then time  frames are not needed. Recall that “Love is patient”. If you have a love like that in I Corinthians 13, then time frames are not needed, and you can consider other questions.

One of the areas partners struggle with in overcoming the effects of an affair is that concerning objectivity. Because an affair effects the people in such a personal manner, it is taken as a personal offense. When there is a personal offense, leading to hurt, ones initial response is to hurt back. That tendency to hurt back is a natural reaction to a threat. Once the desire to hurt has subsided, then I work the couple in an attempt to view what happened in an objective manner.

The key questions in addressing these issues are “What really happened?” and “Am I taking this personally?”. Although on the surface these are simple questions, working through them is often a difficult challenge. Since the affair is taken as a personal attack, it is difficult for the parties to identify what actually occurred. People read into the events all kinds of motives and intentions. Those imposed motives and intentions often keep the partners from seeing what actually did and did not happen. I have also seen that objectivity is gradual. A person is not able to be objective all at once. When they begin the recovery process, they see portions of what occurred in an objective manner.

If you are on the road to recovery, remember that objectivity will take time. Do not beat yourself up if you are not there yet, it is a gradual thing. Given the personal nature of affair wounds, it is difficult to see things objectively. It is also worth noting that what the goal is that ether is enough objectivity to work on the relationship, it is not so important that there is 100% objectivity.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Since you are reading this, it is likely that you are looking for ways to survive an affair. What does it mean to survive? The word itself is a combination of sur+vive. These words have French roots meaning sur (on) and vive (life). The word literally means to “get on with life”.

What does it mean to “get on with life”? To me it does not mean to simply exist after the trauma of an affair. Merely existing does not convey living to me. A person can be in an emotional coma and still be in existence. To me, living is about becoming part of life again. The ability to reconnect and enjoy life, not merely endure its hardships. Given the nature of traumas, it seems like the world stops when the bad thing happened. That stopping freezes one emotionally, spiritually and mentally to that traumatizing moment. The victim often replays what occurred. In replaying the events over in their mind, they are often hoping that it turns out different somehow. They keep doing what they have repeatedly done, yet expect a change to have occurred. Is that irrational? Yes. Even though it is irrational, we do it. Since the trauma involves emotion, the victim is not thinking in a rational manner.  Like a fairy tale, they hope in a miracle, or some kind of magic event that will alter their situation. Although the fairy tale may be entertaining, holding onto it is not living.

In order to live, one has to let go of those things that are killing oneself either physically, emotionally or spiritually.

In order to live, one has to connect with life.

In order to live, one has to give oneself permission to let go.

Resentments are a drain on your soul. If you want to live, you will have to let go of them.

To Life!

Jeff Murrah

Have you considered how walls are built? In dealing with affairs, the wall often starts with the injured party telling themselves that “there is no way that he/she can ever make things better”. Telling oneself a statement such as this is the foundation of a wall being built. Once the foundation is laid, each offense, whether real or perceived adds another layer to the wall.  The wall may have been built prior to the affair or after the affair. if you are the one with the wall, you may want to consider when your wall went up.

Besides the foundation work, walls need structure to keep them up. This structure consists of the resentments that continue being piled on incident after incident. After a period of time it may become easier to take offense and add to your resentments than it is to work things out.  Walls do provide protection, which will allow you to exist after the affair, but it does little to help you live or enjoy life after the affair. Is the wall really worth it? It takes a great deal of emotional mental and physical stamina to maintain a wall. Given all the stamina you are exerting to maintain the wall-is it worth the effort? Most often, it is not worth the effort. Whether you are going to work through things or break things off, the wall serves as an obstacle that makes whichever choice more difficult than it needed to have been.

Best Regards in your recovery,

Jeff Murrah

The slogan of safety first is not just for the workplace, it also has application for a marriage seeking recovery from infidelity. When the couple decides that they want to “survive and thrive” rather than assume the position of “avoid it and maybe it will go away”. Avoiding it and hoping it will go away does not work with termites and it will not work with affairs either. Ignoring both of them are detrimental to the structures that you spend much of your life in. Termites and affairs both destroy the stability and soundness of the things they target.

In surviving, it is important to establish safety. Both partners have to feel emotionally, physically and spiritually safe in order to work on overcoming the affair and its effects. In order to create such a safe atmosphere, it will be necessary to end the affair. It will also be necessary to remove those items associated with the affair, and eliminate behaviors that create physical, emotional or spiritual threats. Threats by their very nature are based in a form of deception, like the affair itself. If stability is to be established, the things that threaten stability must be removed.

If you find yourself wanting to recover from an affair, but don’t know where to start, begin by creating a safety. Safety can be created by removing any threats, speaking calmly, giving people space, avoiding demands, giving acceptance and understanding rather than demanding it. Giving and asking for respect. These are actions that will enhance safety in the marriage.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah