In working with couples going through affair situations, there are difficulties with accountability. Oftentimes, the resolute spouse ‘overlooks’ faults rather than deal with them.
When you do bring them up, you are labelled as nagging, controlling or nit-picking. So you end up loosing out if you either bring things up or shut up and ignore things.
It’s not that they don’t see the faults you see, they choose not to mention them. By not bringing those items to their attention, it creates a mutual ‘denial’ situation.
In having accountability, you bring items to your spouse’s attention, then works with them on dealing with them. That is where forgiveness or other actions are involved.
Not bringing things to your spouse attention even before they are mentioned is not a good strategy. The mindset of ‘what they don’t know, wont hurt them’ destroys trust once its found out. Accountability is needed. It is through accountability that honesty develops.
This will help you understand the importance of accountability. When you have no accountability, it allows the adulterous spouse to keep believing their own lies and deceptions.
Choosing not to bring things up amounts to turning a blind eye or condoning what they’re doing.
If there is to be healing, the deceptions must be brought to a stop.
Problems can be solved, when you know what they are. Hiding problems does not promote healing, it has the opposite effect of slowing it down.
Best Regards,
Jeff
