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Valentine’s Day is coming.

January 31, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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Valentine’s Day is approaching. With it’s approach, many couples begin thinking of love and acknowledging the importance they place on each other. In healthy marriages, it is an enjoyable time of love, flowers and chocolate. The days leading up to Valentine’s is also a time when affairs and infidelity are exposed. Because of the emphasis placed on Valentine’s Day, lovers outside of marriage often want an enjoyable time as well, although it is not rightfully theirs to enjoy. This is the time to be alert for expenses, calls, unaccounted for time, and other indications that an affair is underway. Valentine’s Day is for lovers, both licit and illicit. It can be a high point in a relationship or one filled with the low point of despair.

Valentine’s Day also provides an opportunity to begin making things aright in relationships where things have gone wrong. Because of the expectations associated with the day, spouses will be more sensitive and responsive to attempts to reconcile and renew the relationship.

Valentine’s Day is coming, use it wisely.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: History of Affairs, Understanding Affairs

What we can learn from LBJ

January 30, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

A common event I witness in working with couples is that the adulterer confesses what they did and the resolute spouse immediately forgives them. The adulterer experiences a sensation of relief and actually believes that dealing with the affair incident is done.

Several weeks or months later, the adulterer feels that resolute spouse is nagging and obsessive about the affair, citing that they “won’t let it go.” They feel that the resolute spouse is “beating a dead horse”. They are both exasperated and wanting to put things behind them.

When such scenarios happen, I am reminded of LBJ’s tactics in dealing with people. Yes, I know that he was an adulterer as well. Through his experiences, he learned about people. One lesson he learned is to “let things sink in”. Before giving someone a gift or reward, he would often bring them into his office and chastise them. He said things to bring them down. After they were demoralized enough, he let it sink in a little more. It was only after he let things sink in that he gave them the gift. They were very appreciative and elated with the gift. He commented (paraphrase), you never want to give a man a gift when he is up, you first have to get him down. When you give a man a gift when he is down, he appreciates it more.

Couples going through affairs could learn from this. When the adulterer confesses, let the pain sink in. Let them wallow in the pain. In doing so, the remorse sets in. Only after they get in touch with the pain and the reality sinks in should the resolute spouse forgive them. I see people too willing to forgive too early. The early forgiveness does not allow the pain to sink in and complete the work it needs to do. Once forgiven, the infidel rights believes that their dealing with the affair is done. They have confessed their wrong and are now forgiven. The forgiveness, like the gifts of LBJ, needs to be timed to allow for maximum effectiveness.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: History of Affairs, Understanding Affairs

The story behind secrets

January 29, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Secrets are the life blood of affairs. The secrecy and dangers involved add to the excitement of doing something that is forbidden. Some people hide their secrets out of shame and fear, others keep them for the rush and sense of power and control associated with secrets. Whether driven by shame or the stimulation, the behavior of keeping secrets is part of what keeps people locked into an affair situation. Early psychoanalytic literature pointed out that most secrets involve sexual matters dealing with secretions of the body. When I first came across that statement, I thought it was odd, but the longer I work with couples, the more I appreciate its truth. Part of the secrecy involves a sense of shame concerning the body and what it produces. People often do not know how to handle it. When a third party comes along and allows a person to address their body and its products, there is a strange attraction that hooks them in. The more shame, fear or excitement associated with the secret, the more power it has over the person and those involved.

The bond of secrecy has to be broken if healing is to occur. Some of the news items I have recently posted attest to the power of this bond and the power unleashed when it is broken or threatened.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Hiring hit men for spouses

January 28, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

I saw this article in scanning the news regarding infidelity. The unsettling thing is that people are attempting hiring hit men for jobs in other states and locations. Such situations take “Fatal Attraction” type situations to a whole new level. The infidels met online taking a course together.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

P.S. I aplogize for some questionable ads that appeared. They have since been removed.

JM

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Woman Arrested After Placing Ad for Hitman
 

A woman has been arrested after she tried to hire a hitman to murder her married lover’s wife by posting an ad online. 48-year-old Anne Marie from Grand Rapids, Michigan said she wanted to hire someone to kill Carol, a 56-year-old woman in California, in a vaguely worded free ad under the category of “Freelance.”

Two women and one man responded to the ad, with at least one person believing it to be an offer for freelance writing work. During following emails, Anne Marie cleared up the task was actually a hit job.

“Marie informed one of the people who responded that she was looking for ‘silent assassins’ and she asked him to eradicate a targeted victim,” court documents say. She offered 5,000 dollars for the job and provided the address, name, age and occupation of the man’s wife.

“Asked what she meant by ‘eradicate,’ Anne Marie said ‘Duh. Well to have her killed,” the documents said.

The potential victim’s husband acknowledged meeting the woman through an on-line course and said the pair met for sex on at least two separate occasions.


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Filed Under: Affairs in the News

Affairs, avatars, and accusations of affairs

January 27, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Men and women view affairs differently. Men are often more threatened by the sexual aspect of their wives’s affairs, while wives are more often threatened by the emotional aspects of the affair. The threat aspect is often very real. In the past week, I have seen several articles on “Is your husband’s avatar faithful?” On the surface, this may seem like a silly issue, although the reality, which the wives understand is that the avatar represents the emotional bonds and emotional attachments their husbands have. An unfaithful avatar is definitely a threat to the emotional security of the marriage, even though in real life, he has not slept with anyone. There are many threats that pose event greater dangers than an unfaithful avatar.  The threat is often not so much the avatar’s actions, but rather the spouse’s attitude and emotional attachments. If the avatar is part of a game and there are no attachments, then wives often see no threat with what is going on. When they sense that their husband’s heart has shifted, then they sound the threat alarm.

In another tragic news item, a husband (Michel Veillette) who felt threatened by his wifes accusations of infidelity took action into his own hands. The emotional out bust resulted in the death of her and their four children and the home being burned. He later admitted to the police he was having an affair.  Affairs are a serious matter. It is not just ‘harmless’ fun. The stakes are high and life-threatening. Even in the situations where physical deaths do not occur, there is often either a spiritual or emotional death of those involved.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News, Understanding Affairs

Rapping and Infidelity mix well

January 27, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

In the case of the Philadelphia rapper Alton “Ace Capone” Coles, a music empire and infidelity went hand in hand. Now one of his girlfriends is testifying against him for many things. The main one I want to focus on is his ‘cheating’. The girlfriend expressed concern for the children that he had fathered. It seems that his lifestyle was one that included other relationships. This does not surprise me since the frequent themes and attitudes expressed in a large amount of rap music is not conducive for respect of marriage, women and monogamous family values.

The musical diet of a person does work on their attitude and thinking. A steady diet of music that carries frequent sexually oriented lyrics will influence the decision making when placed in a situation where their defenses are weak. It is always good to protect your mind regarding what you read and what you listen to when recovering from an affair. A diet of music that is heavy on sensuality and sexuality often leads to creating an atmosphere of dissatisfaction.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News, Understanding Affairs

The Ugly Side of Affairs

January 26, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Affairs are a serious matter. The latest high powered official to come under fire is the Mayor of Detroit. It seems that Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was having an affair with the Chief of Staff. Those who found evidence in the text messages blew the whistle on the affair. One person was fired for investigating the affair. Their relationship has already cost the city 9 Million dollars in fines. These kinds of actions raise the question, “Is it worth it?”. The destruction has already touched many lives and it makes one wonder how many more it will touch before it is over.

Along the same lines, the British newspaper, the Telegraph is doing a series on affairs and exploring what is causing the recent rise in the number of them. Some of the pieces emphasize the ‘benefits’ of affairs. The irony is that if they have so many benefits, then why do they put the disclaimer that names have been changed in the story? If it was totally good and full of benefits, then they would not be ashamed to say so.

A closer look at the story also indicates that there is often sex without intimacy and “doing it for the glory of England”. The concept of infidelity is that you are not loyal or dedicated to your spouse. If you are not emotionally available for your spouse, how will you be emotionally available for anyone else?

These are examples of how one has to examine the big picture. Such stories, like affairs themselves may look good at first, and then the ugly reality of what is really going on comes out. In the Detroit situation, it is 9 million dollars worth of ugly. Before falling for the temptation of affairs, remember the ugly will always come out.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News, Understanding Affairs

What are they coming home to?

January 25, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Have you set your spouse up for an affair? There are some spouses that have set up their spouses for an affair. Through actions that are either  conscious or unconscious, they set the stage for an affair to occur. I don’t condone such affairs. I can understand how they happen. When a spouse ignores their partner and it either too busy or too tired to engage them, problems are on the way. The situation worsens when they don’t address the needs, but start taking steps to ‘normalize’ the ignoring. The spouse can be further pushed in that direction when the home and their appearance are not kept up either. Such actions send the message, “You are not important” , “You are not needed” and “You are not respected”. When there are enough of these messages sent, the spouse begins to consider the question, “Why am I coming home?”. It is at this point that they are very vulnerable. When another person comes up and gives them attention, time and respect, they are easy prey. Under such conditions, resistance to an affair melts. Should they have done it? By all means no. Was the situation avoidable, “Yes!”.

Although not all the temptations a person encounters can be removed, many of the issues that lead up to an affair can be. The old adage that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure is very apt in such situations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Everyone loses with an affair

January 23, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

As I have been working on an exciting new e-book focusing on the effects of affairs on children, new realizations have become much clearer. Among these new realizations is that, “everyone loses with an affair”.  Although Americans often look at the world in terms of winners and losers, with affairs, no one can be considered the winner. The family looses the closeness it had. The trust is destroyed and replaced with lies. Someone may have had some great sex, but the price tag makes it a loosing proposition. The seducer looses by being a major factor in a family breaking up. Compassion and humanity are lost in that everyone is reduced to property that is fought over. Everyone touched by an affair is de-humanized. The end result of an affair is the release of animal passions which is accomapnied by less than human behaviors.

When an act leaves you loosing your heart, soul and humanity, what has been gained? Affairs have to focus their attention on the here and now, because if those involved considered the long term aspects, it would not be worth it. Although the depravity of mankind wants to look at affairs in terms of ‘winning’ something or someone. It is true that someone is taken hostage, but I would not call being a hostage winning by any stretch of the imagination.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Scars

January 22, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Scars serve as reminders of what happened to us. Many times our bodies have scars that are reminders of accidents or poor decisions. Although the episodes happened long before, the scar is a reminder that it happened. In a similar manner, the emotional scars of affairs often linger for years afterwards. They remind us what happened, long after the episode was forgiven.

What is the purpose of scars? Scar tissue is what has pulled the skin together. It joined two parts that were separated. Scar tissue is often tougher than normal skin tissue and can resist damage more effectively than what was there. It is not pretty, although it is tough. Likewise, the bonds that form in the aftermath of an affair often pull the couple together and strengthen their relationship, although it may not be pretty. Real life is often not pretty. People get their feelings hurt and things often need forgiveness.

Scars are reminders. We can choose to let them remind us of the accident, or choose to remind them how we miraculously made it through that episode. We survived. We were pulled out of a potentially worse situation. We can choose to be thankful regarding scars or we can choose to be regretful regarding scars. I like the line used by Pierce Brosnan in the movie The Thomas Crown Affair, “Regrets are a waste of time”. That quote often helps me keep perspective. You may want to remind yourself of that in responding to scars.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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