One of the most pernicious of the scars associated with adultery is the one on the soul of the person involved. Even after the spouse has forgiven them, (assuming they are not psychotic or a sex addict) the cheater carries a heavy emotional burden.
Many assume that the emotional burden is only concerning the guilt for the affair. This isn’t all there is. Along with the guilt associated with the affair, there are the remorseful feelings associated with the lying, violating of marriage vows, painful memories, along with letting their spouse and family down.
These are each painful in their own way.
Then there’s the shame about what happened.
These scars often don’t have outward manifestations, yet they are still harsh, ugly reminders of what happened.
These scars, are carried on their heart. They see them when they look at their spouse or look in the mirror. The outside world may think that the cheater is back to who they were before and that they are all healed up.
The cheater is far from healed up. Sure, they may act like ‘life is good’, yet continue running from what happened in their heart and mind.
It is easy for them to fall for the magical thinking that if they just don’t think about it or talk about it, it’ll go away.
The healing of emotional scars and wounds doesn’t work that way. They don’t disappear when you don’t discuss them.
If anything avoiding them often makes them hurt worse. The pain is a reminder sent by those emotions that are locked away that they need to be dealt with.
Each of these emotions carries with it their own unique burden. Shame continues attempting hiding things. Having let down your spouse, there is the gnawing pain of feeling inferior or broken.
The scars permanently damage their self-confidence. They may seem confident on the outside, yet a few choice words will have them crumpled up in a short period of time.
At times, you may even feel as if you are a ‘bad ‘ person. Not just someone who made some bad choices, this is more the self-hatred, never at peace feeling like something is wrong with you personally kind of bad.
If a spouse asks for forgiveness, even when they are forgiven, their suffering is not over. The adulterer often carries the scars and burdens for many years.
They violated the oath made before God concerning their loyalty to the resolute spouse, they lied to themselves and others, they deceived many people and they disappointed family members and friends.
The scars associated with infidelity run deep. The throbbing pain of them reminds the adulterer of their actions, even when they have not been found out. They have to live with a conscience soiled by their acts.
A soiled conscience is one that they can’t always count on. Like an untrustworthy car, they never know when it’s going to let them down.
So if you think that forgiving them will get them off the hook, there is more to their suffering than assumed. The suffering goes on even when they may not show it.
Often times they try to close the chapter on that part of their lives, which leaves them feeling incomplete and deficient. Then there is the wondering if it will happen again or if their spouse will do the same to them.
This will begin to give you an idea of the burden faced by those involved in the affair.
So before you go out and chastise the cheater, be aware of their struggles. Hear them out.
This is why I created the “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program. Its a way the two of you can begin talking and hearing each other out. It removes the roadblocks and phantom roadblocks of the scars.
In the time span of 30 days, the two of you can move your marriage from ‘alright’ to ‘better’ or even ‘best’.
Best Regards,
Jeff
