How to cope with a cheating spouse

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Many times people who consider the affair option have difficulties with short-sightedness. They think of short term gains their decision will provide them with rather than considering the long term impact of their choices.  The choice to engage in an affair is often rationalized as the solution to some other issue. By using the affair as an answer they are hoping it will ‘resolve’ or ‘take care’ of the original problem.

The use of an affair as a ‘solution’ to the problem never actually solves the problem. An affair at best is only a distraction from the problem. The affair always cost more in time, money and emotions than dealing with the problem would have. If you think a mortgage is long term with a 30-year note, consider that an affair damages reputations for generations. In some cases, the impact of illicit affairs last many years after the original parties are long gone. The impact of some affairs, espcially those that result in pregnancies last one or more lifetimes. If those restless souls who are considering affairs excersices far sightedness and considered the long-term cost before acting on their impulses, they would make very different choices.

So if you are contemplating an affair, don’t make the mistake of only looking at the temptation with short term vision, consider the affair through far sighted lenses as well.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Affairs have a way of messing up the lives of people and their families. Given the destructive nature of affairs, there are some places that people should never have affairs, not hook up with someone at. Although some adulterers are turned on by the increased danger of these locations, the potential impact of them is tremendous. The danger is that these locations are also the places most likely to meet someone of the opposite sex. So although it might be easier to connect with someone at these places, having an affair in these places is also more destructive to the family. The two most destructive places to have an affair are the home neighborhood and the church. Since home and church are two of the places people will go for solace after the affair, having an affair in these locations emotionally poisons them in terms of being a place of solace.

Some of the people that have struggled the most are the spouses of someone who had an affair with the next door neighbor. Having to live beside them and see them on a daily basis irritates the whole situation. The shocking part is that the infidel spouse often has the audacity of asking “Why can’t you get over this?” When their nose is being rubbed into the affair on a daily basis. These situations are also difficult for the lover and their family as well. They are often pained at having been teased and taken advantage of. The whole situation confuses the feelings of all involved.

In actuality, there is no really good place to have an affair. Bear in mind that like nuclear waste, the places where an affair occurs will have emotional fallout for years to come. Even if it is a car, truck or motor home. Do not be surprised if your spouse begins hating that car, truck, motor home, or home that was associated with the affair.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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“I can’t believe it!” is often the response when a spouse hears rumors that their partner is having an affair. It is a moment of shock and disbelief. When you hear rumors about an affair what can you do?

1. Find out the facts. This does not mean argue with your spouse about them. Does the evidence point to unfaithfulness? There are people who spread rumors just to break couples up. Before you confront and threaten them, have some facts.

2. Does the affair fit a pattern? Has there been suspicions prior to hearing the rumor? Many times you will know in your gut about an affair before you have the facts or rumors. If you suspected, and the rumor confirms what you suspected, it is not something to dismiss.

3. Consider the source of the rumor. Many times rumors can be believed or dismissed solely on the source of the rumor. Are they reliable? Do they have an agenda? Are they doing it to help you?

4. Has your spouse been more distant lately? If they have been pulling away either with their time or space, you may want to look into things deeper. Some spouses draw closer to their spouses when having an affair in order to disguise it. If your spouse is either suddenly closer or suddenly more distant, both could be warning signs of something bigger going on.

5. Are there any addictive behaviors present? If alcohol, drugs or sexual addiction are involved, you may have bigger problems than an affair. The rumors need to be taken in context of such addictive behaviors.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Affairs and secrets go hand in hand. Much of the power of affairs lies in their secrets. When there are secrets, they will eventually get out, either through direct disclosures or rumors. The danger of rumors is that they can do some of the same damage as an affair could, even if no affair occurred. In situations where an affair did occur, rumors often make them worse.

I have seen situations where a dissatisfied person began rumors of an affair with a person for revenge. When people are angry, they do not often think. It is not by mistake that there is an old Latin saying which states “Anger is a brief insanity”.

There are also cases where the rumor was designed to impinge their honor so that they would in turn be more inclined to an affair.  Whether the rumors have a malicious origin or a devious one, they remain dangerous.

The question arises as to how best handle such situations. Since each situation varies with unique situational variables, there is no one size fits all answer. Some basic actions to consider include:

1. Contain the rumor. This can be done by not spreading it yourself.

2. Identify the source. In some cases it helps to confront them, in other cases, it only makes it worse. Consider your position and situation in evaluating what actions to take.

3. Do not use threats. Handle the rumor situation calmly and in a matter of fact manner. Some rumor mongers enjoy the emotional drama. Seeing you loose it may be a payoff for rumor mongers. When you handle it calmly, it takes the entertainment out of the situation.

4. Do not argue with people who are delusional. When the person spreading the rumors is delusional, it will not do any good to argue with them. They will take the arguing as confirmation that the rumor was correct.

5. Before taking action, count the cost of intervention. In some cases, ignoring the situation may be a better course of action than a high drama confrontation. Rumors are always made worse when those involved are bosses or superiors.

6. Make sure the relationship with your spouse is secure. If the relationship is not in good shape, rumors of an affair could create problems. It is not unheard of that some rumor mongers spread rumors just to split marriages up.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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For those of you who are in the midst of an affair, a question that needs your attention is “How do you want your spouse and children to learn about the affair?” Although most think that they are too smart to get caught or that they are clever, the likelihood is that your family knows. If they don’t know the details, they know that something is different, that you have changed. Eventually they will put the pieces together.

Would it be better that an honest answer came from you concerning the affair or would you have them learn about it from friends, acquaintances, mysterious phone calls, divine intervention or discovery of the evidence. Since people often guess wrong and make assumptions that are not accurate, do you want them to learn about you that way or from you.  If you are going to get past this thing, it will require courage, honesty and communication. Rather than avoid the issues, you will need to face them. You will need to face the consequences or potential consequences of your actions and choices. If you do the damage control, than you will have some say in things. If you wait until they find out, it may be the lawyers and others will be doing damage control in which you will not have control over anything.

Think about the question. You will also need to take action now rather than wait for something to happen and someone to find out.

Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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In the aftermath of an affair, it is critical to know what your main goal is. Many times couples confuse the goals and it creates a mess. Do you want to get back with your spouse or do you want to prove them wrong? Many times the goals people are after are exclusive. In this case you can prove your partner is wrong or that they cheated or that they deserved what happened to them but that will do little to restore the relationship. If you want to restore the relationship or heal it, such divisive issues become moot.  If you want your wife or husband back does it make a difference that their nose is rubbed in the affair or reasons for the affair?

Knowing what you want the most is going to be important in picking and choosing which confilicts to engage in. Engaging them in a relationship will leave them vulnerable. Once they are vulnerable, it is not the time to launch into them and attack them. Consider what your goal is and adjust your efforts in the direction of that goal.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Do you know the differences between admiration and infatuation? Sadly many couples do not and the blurring of those two often lead to affairs. This blurring is particularly problematic in vocations where a power imbalance exists. When there is a relationship based on a power imbalance, such as teacher-student, dentist-patient, police officer-citizen, pastor-layman, boss-employee, there are some inherent dangers. The danger exists on each side of these equations. For the person in the ‘power’ position, there is often a need to be admired, respected, listened to. When someone comes along and provides that in a way that their spouse is not listening to them, respecting their position, societal standing, etc., they confuse the admiration with infatuation. The respect turns into lustful desires when allowed to simmer long enough.

For the lesser of the power positions, it is common to respect those in authority. Along with that respect is also some admiration and desires for some of that power themselves. Those in the power-less positions often want more power. The relationship with the power person is seen as a way of attaining that power. The feelings of admiration can easily become sexually charged. When sexually chaged, they become dangerous when acted on. It is not unusual for people to fantasize about relationships with the power people, it becomes dangerous when the line is crossed and they act out those fantasies. The sexualizing of the power positions is one of the reasons behind a high level of sexual addictions among people in power positions.

Knowing how to deal with admiration is critical in avoiding affairs. When admiration is confused with infatuation, the danger for affairs is high.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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One of the things that does not mix with affairs is alcohol.  Since alcohol often ‘loosens’ people up and allows them to lower inhibitions, it creates an added danger with affairs. Alcohol is particularly dangerous when those partaking have fantasies about affairs. In many ways the desire for the affair is the ‘root’ problems that often blossoms when mixed with alcohol. Under the influence of alcohol, those desires often ‘come out’ when the opportunity presents itself. The alcohol allows them to engage in behavior without the remorse or guilt that would often restrain them from dangerous situation.

On top of this, the environments where alcohol is consumed is often  high risk for cheating in the first place. Bars and cheating are like mixing fire and gasoline. The other participants also have lower inhibitions, which increases the dangers many times over.

With the superbowl and other celebrations looming, if you have a spouse that is prone to fantasize about being with others, then any use of alcohol needs to be treated with a yellow warning light. If you have someone who is struggling with affairs, they will need to limit their alcohol intake during celebrations.

Another drug that is highly prone to affairs is that of cocaine, but for different reasons, which I’ll address in a future post.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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