The question was posed to me “How do you deal with a husband who doesn’t love or care for you?” This is one of those questions that not only covers a lot of ground, it also could have several meanings.
In terms of how I personally deal with them, I would find a way to get their attention and tell them to ‘Wake Up!’ Although I often want to do that, I find out what is going on before I intervene in any major way.
First, when your husband is a Christian, their issue may be bigger than you. The husband is clearly commanded to love their wife. Not loving their wife is a violation of God’s word. (Note: This is unlike the wife who is not so clearly commanded to love their husband). With this population, their issue is often with disobeying God rather than not loving you.
When it comes to not loving their wife, some husbands don’t know how to love anyone beyond themselves. They ‘don’t have a clue’. In this case, the lack of love is more about ignorance. The good thing about ignorance is that it can be fixed.
In some cases, the husband chooses not to love their wife, since their affections are elsewhere. Since the main focus here is affairs, this is likely the one you are prone to encounter. Men like being loved. When their affections are on someone else, they quit loving their spouse.
Although some men like to think that they can love more than one woman, they often can not. All their fantasies about being the great lover that can please multiple women goes away when they end up loving one and hating the other one. The hating can either be an active, outright hate or a withdrawing of their love.
There may or may not be another woman. The object of their affection may be thing, their job or fantasies about a virtual woman. Although the object of their affection may differ, the results are the same. The wife loses out.
In some cases, there may have been pre-marital sex in their relationship with you. In these cases, they may be experiencing internal emotional conflicts. In these situations guilt, love, and sex are confused with each other.
The association of them all together creates a mess. The schools and groups promoting sexual liberation are often long gone when these types of issues come home to roost, which intensifies the guilt and confusion the husband is struggling with.
Although you want to know what to do when your husband doesn’t love or care for you, the answer is not a simple one. You first have to find out what is behind their not loving you. When you discover what is behind it, then you will have a clearer idea what your next step is.
If you assume that it is all about sex, it could lead you to make some costly mistakes. Dressing yourself more provocatively with slit skirts, low cut blouses, sexy shoes or getting a boob job may be training your husband to be more attracted to seductive dress or body types than to love you.
Are you wanting them to love your clothes, your boobs, your body or you? For this reason, you want them to love you, not all the trappings that you try seducing them with.
Fixing the wrong problem is always a costly undertaking. The husband not loving you is a symptom, not the problem itself. By sheer chance you may guess the right solution without knowing the root problem, yet it is not likely.
So, at this point, find out what is behind them not loving you. Consider if they know how to love. Consider if their affections are elsewhere. Consider if they are experiencing depression or some other internal conflicts. These could all be issues. It may not be that they don’t love you anymore, it could be an indicator of other issues.
A great start in dealing with such problems is the “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program. It will start your marriage in a renewed direction.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
