When you are in the midst of dealing with an affair, there may be times that you ask yourself “What can I hope for in my marriage?” This is a valid question needing an honest answer.
There will be many, like myself with resources, books, programs, workshops and products for helping you through this time. Since every marriage is different, and there is no ‘one size fits all answer’ that applies to each marriage.
It’s logical that there are many different approaches. Each one has information that useful for you. As you go through them, you’ll want to keep your question “What can I hope for in my marriage?” in mind.
In all likelihood, there have been problems in your marriage for a long time. The affair often represents when no amount of denial can keep a lid on the problems.
You have been able to avoid or deny the problem previously, but when an affair happens, things become very real. There’s no wishing this problem away.
With that in mind, you’ll probably have better communication in your marriage as a result of getting help. For some of you, that’s a good thing, for others, it means that what’s been avoided for a long time, now has to be faced.
Communication, honesty, and forgiveness are common parts of the helps offered to you. Some of these helps take you into advanced areas like identifying and discussing each others needs, developing intimacy, or even the possibility of relapse.
Some focus on resuming sexual relations. Others focus on redefining and remaking who you are.
If you’ve damaged the spirit of your marriage too extensively, there will not be much you can hope for. If there hasn’t been too much damage, there’s room for hope.
As you make changes,you’ll be making changes because of the affair. Some of the changes will benefit you, some will benefit the cheater.
Some cheaters use their affair as their ‘great escape’ (I call these exit affairs). By using the affair as cover, they feel less guilty. The affair provides an excuse.
I’ve seen many cultural Christians use affairs as an excuse for violating Scripture while they indulge in their own selfishness.
I’ve seen some cultural Christians swoop down into a marriage troubled by an affair. On landing they take what they want like a bird of prey claiming it was “God’s will”.
I mention these scenarios, since some of you may be hoping for ‘new opportunities’ while using the affair as a smokescreen to hide problems. These seeking of opportunities may have been a fantasy in the back of your mind, but once the affair comes to the forefront, you may use it to act on those fantasies.
For some of you, the affair is the end of the marriage, for others, it’s a ‘wake up call’ that both of you need to make changes. The affair could end up strengthening your family by waking each of you up to the importance of your marriage and your willingness to commit to making it better.
You can hope for a better marriage in the aftermath of an affair. Since counselors can only take you as far as they have been themselves, you want to consider whether they have what it takes to make a marriage work. Consider whether they are happily married or had an affair before you place all your trust in them and what they are telling you.
Medications will not ‘fix’ you or your marriage. Medications can only manage the symptoms.
Sure you can change the symptoms that you or your spouse are experiencing, but that amounts to rearranging the furniture of your marriage. For some of you, that’s enough.
You just need to be honest with yourself and your spouse about what you are hoping for and what can be done.
Lawyers can’t fix marriages either. They know about contracts, legal obligations and the law. Lawyers and judges can’t force your spouse to love you or be a better spouse.
They can hold them accountable, or penalize them, but that doesn’t suddenly make them responsible.
Private investigators can uncover secrets. Once the secrets are known, you’ll face the challenges of what to do about them.
You and your spouse will have to be the ones to make the changes in your marriage. You will have to risk vulnerability, be honest and have the courage to address the issues.
You’ll also have to do the soul searching regarding your commitment to your marriage and how much you are willing to put up with.
When you’ve answered those questions, you’ll know whether or not there’s hope for your marriage.
When you need intensive help, the downloadable, “Affair Recovery Workshop” guides you with what you need. From ways of taking care of yourself, improving communication and increasing intimacy to breaking family patterns of affairs, it covers the areas you need.
Best Regards,
Jeff
