In buying a new car, you know things are getting serious, when you are asked to step into an office and someone says “Let’s look at the numbers.” When you start looking at the numbers, your mind shifts from ‘I want this car’ to ‘How can I make this car work for me’.
That shift is subtle but important. Anytime you ‘sit down and look at the numbers’, things are getting very real very fast. When numbers get involved, it makes things real.
Last week on the blog, one writer mentioned affairs as ‘trading up’. It took me by surprise. I can see how you trade up in housing or cars, but never viewed marriages or affairs as an acceptable way of trading up.
When I look at the numbers, I don’t see much of a ‘trade up’. First it takes roughly two years to bounce back emotionally after an affair. In some cases, the bouncing back is about finally coming around to reality.
At either the four of five year mark after the affair, you find out the ‘true marital satisfaction’. At that point all the excitement is gone and you are back to routine. Researchers have found that in most cases, the level of satisfaction is less than with the original marriage.
The prospect of taking two years to settle down emotionally, followed by discovering five years that you are less satisfied than you were previously doesn’t sound like much of a ‘trade-up’.
When you throw the financial piece in, it makes the numbers even more astounding. Anytime you move, you experience a financial set-back. When it takes two years adjusting to a move, think about the additional time for trading up. You’re looking at a possible four-year window to find out if you really traded-up or got more of the same in another package.
When you ‘look at the numbers’, I see nothing that looks like ‘trading up’. Given the most likely age to cheat is 39, the choice to cheat comes at a critical time in your career path, and can knock it off course for a while.
When you look at the numbers, you’d be better off working through your communication issues. Investing in your marriage relationship always pays better dividends than making radical relationship changes does.
Here’s the good news. You can change. Your marriage can change. You can start making those changes today. In fact, this is the perfect time to stand up and say “Enough! I’m not letting this affair control my life or my family’s life any more!”
When you do that, things happen. You take action, like making your marriage work and finding ways of making it better.
If this sounds like something you want, the “30 Days to a Better Marriage” program helps you re-invest in your marriage, starting that change you want.
Best Regards,
Jeff
