After providing a list of 10 things to do that strengthen your marriage, it was logical that a list of 10 actions to avoid would be appropriate.
1. Tell your spouse all the details. This often awakens a voyeuristic element, yet makes the guilt a difficult thing to deal with.
2. Do a lot of blaming and name calling. These actions provide some emotional release, but do little to improve communication of create an atmosphere of trust.
3. Bring the kids and family into the middle of the crisis. The adage of the the more the merrier does not apply to affairs or their aftermath.
4. Punish your spouse or yourself. Punishment may give temporary relief, but does not deal with the underlying issues. It also gives a quick release to issues that need to be worked through.
5. Have an affair for payback. This feeds into a childish tit-for-tat mentality. It will escalate the conflict rather than reduce it.
6. Listen and do everything you are advised to do by friends and family. The saying too many cooks spoil the broth has some application in the aftermath of affairs. Listening to too many people leads to confusion and chaos.
7. Drink and party down to avoid the pain. This may provide some symptom relief, but does little to solve problems.
8. Involve the third party in your marital disputes. Involving the other person is a sure way to escalate the conflicts. Likewise making frequent comparisons of them to your spouse is a sure way to provoke conflicts.
9 . Take trips away from your spouse. Avoiding the conflicts will not make them go away, nor will they solve themselves on their own.
10. Invite your spouse in for a threesome. This is sure to spark emotional and behavioral fireworks.
Although some of these seem obvious, in working with couples the obvious is not always so easy to see. When people are in the midst of an affair they are not thinking clearly or making good choices. The examples given above are based on experiences in working with couples. It is my hope that you have not done any of these things and that you avoid them like the plague.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
