When people have affairs, they often do not consider the impact it will have on their children, their parents, and even their grand children. The impact is often minimized and rationalized with such comments as “They will understand”. When such comments are used, the purpose is to excuse the guilt. Although the adulterer tells themselves such a comment it does little to ‘fix’ the situation or help their family members (parents, siblings or children) to truly understand.
For the sake of argument, assuming that family members ‘understand’, what is it that they are understanding? Do they understand that you cheated? Do they understand that you are not trying to work things out with your spouse? Do they understand that you can’t resist temptation and keep your knickers up? Do they understand that you do not have the self-control and the moral gumption to say “No”? What is it that you want them to understand? Although the word understand is often used, the application of the term is often one of acceptance. They want the family members to excuse and accept what they are doing. Acceptance is not understanding. Understanding involves having an awareness of what occurred and the motives for it. They may fully understand and comprehend what you have done (or are doing). What is often missing is their approval or condoning what was done. They may clearly see what is happening better than the adulterer does. Conflicts often start when the family member refuses to condone or approve of the affair. The adulterer fires back—-“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!” They do understand, they just don’t approve. By misusing words like understand instead of acceptance or approval, any discussion of the affair often turns into a confusing fight. Since the meanings of the words become twisted, it is difficult to sort out the events, from motives, from diapproval of what they did. Family may still accept the adulterer but not the adultery. Acceptance of the person is NOT the same as approval of what occurred. You actions and your who you are as a person are two distinctly different entities.
In workign through an affair, it is important to not confuse the meanings of words. The confusion of the emotions is bad enough without complicating matters by changing meanings.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
