Infidelity increases the likelihood of Parent Alienation Syndrome
Two researchers, Green and Schetky (1988) pointed out how false sex allegations by mothers may be an extension of accusations against the hated spouse for sexual misconduct with other family members and other women. Their research has ramifications for parents who were cheating.
This research shows that some wives have accused cheaters of Parent Alienation for the sole purpose of paybacks. The wives wanted a way to get back for the cheating
When cheating occurs, what your spouse may have suspected are blown up and distorted into full-blown delusions, especially in the court room. Accusations made by one spouse against a cheating spouse have been known to involve allegations of sexual abuse.
Allegations often intensify when a divorce proceeding in underway. Once the divorce starts, the lies and stories about you get bigger. Although no sexual abuse may have occurred, you are faced with the challenge in proving that what is claimed did not occur. You have to PROVE your innocence, even though you may have done nothing wrong. If you look like a bad guy going into the courtroom, you are assumed to be guilty.
In courtrooms, you are often not dealing with facts, but rather appearances and what is ‘plausible’. Your spouse only has to persuade the judge or jury that it is ‘plausible’ that you abused the children in some manner.They do not have to prove that you did, only that it is possible you might have.
Lawyers do not play fair, especially In the court room, when the divorce proceedings are underway and child custody is at stake. They are nice when pumping you for information, but attack you when you are on trial. They manage to twist and distort who you are and what you are accused of. They can turn cheating into something horridly ugly. What may have been poor judgment on your part is now turned into evidence that you are an unfit parent.
The younger the child, the greater the possibility that your spouse will be able to convince that child that the alleged behavior occurred. What your spouse believes is reinforced to that child. The delusions are then given facts and evidence that make them appear real.Since children want to believe their parents, they are susceptible to being manipulated. Although the courts may know that parents can and do at times lie, as do the lawyers, young children do not know that.
In cases of parent alienation, no sexual abuse occurred. The “allegations” of sexual abuse are used to alienate and distance one parent from the children. All your spouse needs is a reason to keep the children from you. There are patterns associated with false allegations of child abuse. It often takes mental health professionals which are trained in ‘Parent Alienation Syndrome’ to sort out which are real and which are fabricated allegations.”
Ways of Getting The Relationship Back
Decide in your heart that you love your partner. This means that you truly love her. You will need to show her that you are interested in her. If you want her back, let her know that it is because you are genuinely interested in her and enjoy her company. You shouldn’t have any other reason for wanting to get her back. It’s not because of the kids, not because of her money, not because of emotional investments, but rather it is because you love her deeply.Part of loving your spouse includes you having the right priorities.
Pursue her. Go back to the time that you were still trying to win her heart. The roses, the posh restaurants, the flowers and the late night walks. Get on your romantic self and get back to her. By showing you love her; you are bringing the magic back into your relationship. She will want to see your heart. It you talk about giving your heart to her, she will need to see it. Share your emotions, fears, dreams and hopes with her. She will test you to see if you are truly interested in her and put her interests ahead of your own.
Be patient. At first, she may resist your advances. She has been burned. Do not force yourself on her, or make demands. You want to attract her, NOT trap her. She will want to make sure that this is the real thing’. She may test you to see if you are sincere. Do you love her or are you just talking a good game ?.
If you love her, you will need to persist. If you are talking a good game, she will sense it. She knows that if you are just talking because you want her warm body in bed next to you, she will test how long and how persistent you are.She will likely make you work for her affections. Recognize that these are tests. Rather than panic about the tests, view them as opportunities to win her back. If you fail the test, she will know that you are just going through the motions of another ‘dog and pony show’. Show some spirit and show her that you love her so much and that you are determined to get her back.
Work on Yourself before you work on her. You will need to improve yourself before you are ready to win her back. if you have anger problems, take care of them. If you strayed, take care of that. End the affair, cutting off ALL strings and associations if you have not already. Trying to hold onto a lover and win your wife back is a sure way to loose in a big way. Before you try to correct her and her ways, you will need to change yourself form the inside out. If all you do is work out and change things on the outside, it will only be a matter of time before you are in crisis again. Change the inside. Change things like attitude, mood, outlook on life, the amount of negativity you have, the level of your spontaneity, improve your sense of humor, improve your tolerance, learn how to love her even when she is not loving you back.
These are not hard and fast rules. They are a place to begin. They will give you a place to start getting the relationship back. Be instinctive. Your partner needs time and space to deal with her internal struggles. Yet, with her love for you, she also wants you back. When she resolves her internal conflict, she then will be ready to accept you once more.
