It is infuriating when the cheater lies to you. In most cases you are probably so infuriated at the lie, that you quit listening to anything else and focus on the audacity they had of lying to you. It is understandable how you find yourself caught up in the lie. The lying makes it hard to know what to believe. Not knowing what to believe makes it hard to know where you stand and where the relationship is at.
For the moment, I want you to change your approach to this situation. I am not asking you to believe their lies. You mind will see the situation in a new light if you consider the logic of their lies. When they tell you a lie, they is a reason. I am not referring to the excuse they give you for the lie, but rather the timing of the lie and ‘how’ it distracts you. These items provide important clues. The timing of lies is important, since they tell you what they want you to know, WHEN they want you to know it. The ‘when’ can alert you to possible upcoming events.
Seeing the ‘how’ is often difficult. Since the lies are designed to distract, notice how they distract you. Is it through appealing to your vanity, through money, through the kids, etc. That will give you a clue as to what the cheater is focusing on and what areas you are vulnerable in. The cheater knows you and what your weak points are. This can give you early warning to future lying episodes.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
I have also learned from watching him lie to other people to recognize his body language, tone of voice etc when he is lying to me. In addition, I have learned not to ask questions when I know I can’t trust the answer and the answer is really not important, because that is also distracting and a waste of energy.
Jane,
You are way ahead of many wives who have been cheated on, in that you recognize the patterns. Thank you for sharing your insights. If more spouses paid attention to body language and tone of voice, they would see the truths that are in front of them rather than get caught up in defending themselves or attacking back. The cheater is not listening in most cases anyway, so arguing becomes nothing more than an emotional release for the hurts.