Houses are built on foundations. Marriages are also built on foundations. When the foundation is flawed, whatever is built on it is at risk. In marriages, whatever family life is built on the marriage foundation is impacted by the foundation under it. Have you ever considered what the foundation of your marriage is. It could be that the affair is a logical extension of some flaw in the foundation. If the weak foundation is not corrected, it will only be a matter of time before you have another marital crisis.
In terms of the foundation of your marriage, how do you define and view marriage? if you view it as a contract, subject to the whims of business conditions, there may be problems. If you view it as a 50-50 team, then each of you are still maintaining independence and have not fully committed to the relationship. If you view it as each of you give 100%+ to the ‘unified’ team, you are on a stronger foundation. This mindset requires that they two of you meld into a unified body. When you start thinking in terms of his/hers and your needs and their needs as distinctives, you may be creating your own demise. When couples maintain separate bank accounts due to them wanting their monies to be kept apart, they are often making trouble for themselves. The separateness that begins showing up as separate accounts often expands into other areas as well. Are each of you in the marriage for the long haul? Do you have the mindset of considering what is good for the marriage /what the marriage needs rather than personal preferences? These are critical questions that examine the foundation of your marriage. They look at how you believe a marriage is to work. All your actions are built on those basic ideas that you hold.
Without examining the foundation, you may be correcting the problem in the wrong place.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
One Response
Good post!!
Yes….it is true ..whereever we have not had truth we are building on sand
I was led to believe that if I wanted a happy marriage I should make sure I did everything I could to make my husband happy!~
If happiness is what we think of as the ‘purpose of life ‘ then when we love someone we don’t want them to be unhappy ….
IF we think that we MUST make sure we do all we can to make the other person happy …then we are standing on SAND ….it is going to be disasterous.
Happiness and how to ‘get happy’ is one of the cheif aims fed to us about life from media and even in cirriculums….
Happiness is the end all be all of what people are led to think is important and many choose their careers based upon this …or what they can do to earn more money so they can get more of what they believe will make them happy’
It is an unending quest ….
LIFE does not consist of just happy occasions …real life has a LOT of challenging situations which when seen in the light of the usefulness of them to help us grow, mature and become equipped with wisdom and strength causes us to appreciate them even if we do not enjoy them!
Marriage is also seen as the ultimate “SOURCE ” of happiness…according to much of what we grow up learning …A family where all conflict is stifled or hidden teaches children that love does not included differences of opinion….that challenges to ones happiness are ‘wrong’ and ‘bad’ and if a marriage has conflicts….it is not a good marriage
Soon after marriage many people become UNhappy and thus believe it must be the person they married who just being who they were once upon a time MADE them ‘happy’
SO when the challenges of life happen …and unhappiness comes about …then it MUST be that the PERSON they married. ..because it was that person that once ‘made ‘ them happy!
This is such a deadly point of view…
Mature people realize marriage is going to bring challenges not just from without …but from within…they realize that the other person may not always be a source of happiness..
But happiness is not there is to life
Marriage to someone who has not had much adversity to their will in life is difficult at best and horrible in the long run…especially if they achieve the means to get whatever they want …and have an entitlement attitude..
Success does spoil some people …people who have not had the character forming life before hand…people whose childhood was loaded with much adoration and little correction.
This is what we see more and more as the case with many who have grown up with a lack of training in this area of learning to over come …and learning to wait upon gratification.
My husbands’ parents both made statements before we married I SHOULD have taken heed to …I believed my husband’s desire to learn to walk after Jesus Christ …he MAY have been sincere but he had no testimony of having walked overcoming and going through the kinds of things we do experience as we begin to walk after Christ …it is full of necessity to make moral choices and overcome the challenges of temptations….
I observed his intention …his beginnings but I did not take seriously the effects of his parents and upbringing in a household that was proud …did not believe that they needed to learn anything about God ..and would not even consider that GOD had anything to teach them!
I thought I could trust the confession of my husband but soon found that he was loyal to ignorance and his parents and family and friends when it came time to choose the way of life and morality …or the way of pleasure and popularity
My ‘believing ‘ and ‘positive ‘ confession tactics so taught and accepted failed to recognize the truth that for all the power of GOD and HIS will being done…God does NOT make anyone do anything …HE works with those willing to submit to HIM and HIS way ..
SO the freewill is left untouched….by GOD ..but not by the god of this world who is the devil according to the records in the Gospel wherein the devil boasts of his claim to having the world to work in tempting and testing the faith of those who claim to follow Christ….and to deal ‘kindly ‘ and ‘generously’ with any he can deceive into disregarding the commands of GOD to live by their flesh, feelings and appetites.
So it was …my husband could not withstand the challenge of choosing loyalty to the LORD or his wife…he chose popularity and fun …and thus any discomfort in his life…any ‘cost’ of any kind was an affront to his pride and ability to seek and gain pleasure and respect ….
This was HIS choice…and though I brought to his attention many times in a respectful way the truths of the word to warn him and awaken him …NOTHING mattered
He grew up with parents who made a clear statement to me one day .” No one has any right to tell anyone else about what to believe about GOD”
Thus they opposed the statements of Christ who said ” Faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the Word of GOD ‘ ….
Speaking the word to people is foundational …mostly because many will not hear unless someone is ‘sent’ to speak it ….
His father went even further and told me that I was “FORBIDDEN ” to speak about Jesus Christ in their household.
The failure of my husand to obey the ‘leaving ‘ aspect of the Genesis laws of marriage so foundational for us to understand …allowed him to keep on ‘respecting ‘ his father as he disrespected GOD and was disloyal to his wife ..
This trend of choosing others at the cost to his relationship with GOD …His wife ..and his children …without any respect or care about what this did to US and to himself …led him into a position OPEN to the influences of the devil to wear away his views about all things…he redefined in his mind ,.what love is ..what his responsibilities were and what he was required to be and do in all areas of life
HE outright told me he was NOT going to learn about what marriage is , being a husband is …or how to father ….he simply rejected all …including all of the opportunities to become fulfilled and even happy within the boundaries of marriage
Sin makes one’ unhappy’ thus this sin of rebellion led him to more and more seeking to ‘fix’ his unhappiness which in truth was GUILT for sinning outright and deliberately with intent”
Seeking to be happy …and sinning wilfully led to seeking something or someone to make him happy again …since sin offers SOME pleasure it became his go to …and in doing so his guilt and unhappiness increased…
Since he enjoyed the sin ..it HAD to be that he was married that was the ’cause’ of his feeling guilty for his sinful adultery …
BUT even statistics prove that divorce does not result in a conclusion of guilt …and unhappiness….and I think the explanation of this is in the record that when a man divorces his wife ..and marries again it is considered adultery STILL ..and thus does not bring relief.
Sin brings about much trouble …if not immediately made known …eventually it takes it’s deadly toll
If it brings about sorrow,pain and unhappiness that is actually a ‘good ‘thing in the way a pain in our body alerts us to a need for us to examine ourselves and seek a cure
The seared conscience that results from repeated deliberate sin will often desenthitize the person to seeing the damages they cause ..the LIAR ….demons insert lies that continue to keep the person from being able to take heed to the damage …the losses to themselves …and the things happening to their spouse or children are rationlized away …so that what they observe is not seen for the true depth and damage that it is .
The eventual attitude is that all the pain they see in the spouse they have voilated is their own fault! It is their own job to deal with it
During the 60’s I recall the ideas that were spread abroad as people ‘loved’ many people which caused legitimate jealousy and hurt to their spouses or girlfriends that the jealous person was the one ‘guilty ‘ for feeling badly ….in otherwords ..just as the OT says ..they judged what was EVIL AS GOOD ..and if it hurt anyone …that was THEIR problem
When you love someone you become vulnerable …it is BECAUSE we marry and give our hearts to loving one person that the pain is so profound and deep ..
Many young people today find that they are not willing to become close enough emotionally to anyone because of the view of marriage that they have had set before them …fractured….broken …painful …so “HOOKING UP” has what many see as a way not for emotional connection but simply animal like physical ‘appetite ‘ behavior …sex sometimes with a complete stranger that they do not even know their name or ever intend to see again!
This is exactly the kind of destruction intended by the devil …and those who serve him …intentional destruction of the family …and it has been a lengthy agenda …but seems to be coming of ‘age’ at this time
God tells us that ‘my people are destroyed for lack of knowledge’ ….replacing man’s forms of truth …in the place of the truth who is GOD ALmighty through Jesus Christ…
It is sad …but the encouraging thing is that those who seek HIM with determination and trust that HE IS >..WILL FIND HIM
AND the recovery …the restoration ..the reconcilation is available for whosoever wills to follow this command …”Seek ye first the kingdom of GOD and HIS righteousness and all things shall be added unto you”
What a wonderful promise …and HIS longsuffering and waiting upon people who have ignored him is truely a testimony of what LOVE is ….