Have you considered that some affairs may have as their root cause, the avoidance of parental responsibility? Although it sounds far-fetched, there are some men and women who want to avoid responsibility, especially those dealing with raising children. For them, having an affair is more about finding an easy way out of those responsibilities. Since they are an adult, they may not want to look like they are being childish. It is easier for them to be rejected due to an affair than to avoid the responsibility of parenting.
This may sound strange, yet some adults never want recess to end. They want to continue seeking sexual gratification without responsibility. In some cases, they may choose a lover that is so repugnant to you and your values that they receive a “get out of parenthood card free”. So when you feel a deep resentment toward the lover, this may be what the cheater wants. Your problem may not be the lover, but the cheater.
You may need to seriously consider who their lover is and if there is a secondary gain from their affair. They affair may have more to it than first appears.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
2 Responses
This is very much part of our issue…however having MISSED our children’s lives for the greater part of real parenting …My husband is trying for a ‘do over’ with the children of adultery
He wants to ‘make a difference’ because he feels ‘responsible ‘ for the sorrowful mother he brought then forth from [ the OW pretty much leaves them alone a lot and does not keep food in the house]
I think this is yet another way SHE has manipulated him ..ever since he reconnected …I asked him what he thought kept them alive for the two years he was NOT in contact…
I think since he reconnected ..the OW has known all of the ways he is led around by the “ring in his nose’ of his ‘integrity” he simply MUST be a ‘good guy’ but he does not see his actions there as having any violation of our marriage and family
Blindness .
He also craves adoration which his involvement with them supplies…they see him as the great guy who brings food whenever they call and say there is none in the house…and they are alone.
He runs out like the obedient ‘errand boy’ …which is ‘good’ by some people’s observation but it is an affront to me and our daughters who have always ‘respected’ his work day …only calling when an emergency happened.
He told me once this woman always had some ‘crisis’ which he responded to …she found his Achilles heel in my opinion and it has paid off grandly …up to two million at this point…though not so much lately as we are in deep debt!
He still continues to spring out of his schedule upon short notice for the kids …!
He says that he does not have to do anything like this to care for us because he can see us at the end of each day! But they don’t see him unless he does this ..and it is ‘only for about 30 mins” whenever …he wishes he could have more alone time with each of them”
Gee …I tried to get him to give this kind of attention to our children growing up but he was too busy I have learned …responding to the poor little OW …and her contrived ‘needs’
It is hugely offensive now to see his ‘courting’ the affections of these kids ..esp the little girl…
We both agreed they should have someone but I told him it should not be at the expense of the needs of OUR relationship and family’s need for his FULL focus and concern
He refuses…and really seems to have CHOSEN to invest in them rather than do any more to learn how to help heal our marriage or deal with any of the issues that contributed to HIS willingness to live the way he has
He confesses outright to the destruction but refuses to learn or do any of what I have been showing him would not only help US but would help him have a truly good impact upon the children of adultery
He is satisfied with himself and his way ..just as the Bible speaks of those like this .
Our daughters see this and are silent…I asked them to please give me input as they know their bibles and walk well with the Lord …I wanted to be alerted if they observed any of what I am doing as anything out of order.
So far …it is simply the case that my husband is reprobate, hardened his heart against me and GOD and he is only devoted to working for the care of those children
They are young and easily deceived right now …and soon in adolescence he will find he does not have the influence he has hoped for nor the control …except as he is the one who brings them money and food he is teaching them that that is ALL love is defined by …just as he seems to think of all relationships.
Fun and money
He does not suffer from guilt …just from his not being able to get away with his actions anymore …He does not want to be confronted…his ‘spirits ‘ within fight to keep their territory and access to his mind…Thus whenever the light of the truth shines on some idea , thought or behavior ..they ‘come out’ in his words in anger ..to get the light to “go away’
No matter how far a person may THINK they can run from GOD or hide from truth …it WILL find them out and soon there will be no more hiding places…no more “options” as their worldly resources be it time, money , appearance, or vitality …cause them to lose their place in the competing arenas of THIS WORLD …then they will see their losses not only in material things…but the great hopes of leaving a great legacy will be diminished and time to repent will not offerr much in the way of being able to live rightly
One cannot ‘make up for sin’ by more sin
Doing what one thinks is ‘good’ when it is damaging to the foundational commands of GOD does not make up for sin ..it is STILL SIN
Those kids are going to be damaged by his ‘good intentions’ and meanwhile he neglects doing what IS GOOD in the marriage that HE IS responsible for before GOD …and our daughters are set aside and shown a very VERY poor example of how a man should treat his wife …
He does not seem to think this is important …he thinks that since they are over twenty one that it is THEIR job.
The bible teaches that a father is responsible in many areas for his DAUGHTERS until they marry
If ours do not marry …due to much of the way that their father’s disconnect has set us in isolation ..many moves…no real relationship with any relatives…and now this ‘legacy’ of HIS life…it is HIS responsilbity to learn to help them …as well as heal our marriage …HE REFUSES ..saying it is too hard and trust is not something he can rebuild
He mocks all of the testimonies brought to him from marriages healed through the various ways couples may work to do so .
He only wants the ‘cream’ off the top of life..at the expense of EVERYONE
If you were to meet him you would not guess this about him..He seems to be fairminded , generous, warm and thoughtful…unselfish and giving …BUT it is only for SHOW …he is even fine at home UNTIL some aspect of being a husband or father is asked of him ..or some kind of taking part in the household maintainance.
He is a good provider but he has stolen so much of what should have been wisely set aside with an eye to the future …that we are now older and in deep debt ..He works hard…and DOES make sure HE has playtime…does not plan for vacations or future with me …or our family
Datenight was a thing of the first two years of marriage ..and we did not even have money then for anything …
Love of money , power and popularity has stolen his heart and our family resources…at all of our expense…He is happy to continue as much of this life style as he can get away with …
Do-overs and going from crisis to crisis makes for a painful way of life.