There may be days when you tell yourself “I wish I’d never found out!”Somehow the bliss of not knowing is at times preferred to the anguish of finding out.
Like Jacob wrestling with an angel, you will find yourself wrestling with knowledge of the affair. This is a natural reaction to unpleasant news. That desire to hit the rewind button on life and want a do-over is a wish that many of you entertain.
There was a peace of mind that came with not knowing anything. Now that you know what is going on, that peace of mind is gone. There is no longer any innocent flirting or innocent word play. Now that you know what is happening, your mind is not innocent. You see what is going on for what it is.
Year ago, Mrs. Richardson often used the term “oogly” (pronounced o-gly with the o being drawn out) in describing such unpleasantness. I still hear her saying “That is oogly” in my head when I consider the unpleasant reality of affairs. The word ugly just does not convey the idea. The variation on pronunciation hangs over the term like a bad odor over garbage. That, to me conveys more of the unpleasantness with the o-o-o sound added.
Finding out means that you look at the cheater differently. You also look at yourself and your marriage differently. When you wake up to the fact the the past you thought you had was more of a fantasy, it gets really unsettling. Not only does it get unsettling, movies like the Matrix with its description of the two different worlds suddenly makes a lot more sense to you.
At least when you know what is going on, you can finally see what you are dealing with. You start seeing people for who they are. You see the real intentions behind many of their behaviors and excuses. With facing this harsh reality, you also mature.
It is true that you did not have much of a choice in this maturing. It was forced on you. Not all maturity is pleasant. I learned that in my first few years working in psychiatric hospitals. It seemed that each day, I was faced with new situations and real-life dramas that I never imagined. Each of those reminded me of how naive and sheltered I had been prior to that point of having never found out about such things before.
There were many days that I yearned for going back to the naivety that I had previously enjoyed. Facing those real life situations, real life dramas and real life frustrations were harsh. Looking back, I would not trade those experiences, yet at the time, I was willing to.
So when you find yourself wrestling with harsh truths, you will make better choices in the long run. Loosing your naivety and innocence is part of the price you pay for being real and having real life relationships. You may wish you never found out, yet be thankful for finding out in the future.
Best Regards,
Jeff
