There are times when I read through parts of my father’s book when I miss him. At times when going through it, that his way of wording and expressing things is like hearing him speaking to me.
One of the statements he made was that “healing only comes by staying in the relationship.” My own experience validates his statement. When affairs happen, you may feel the pain alone, yet the healing occurs in the context of being in relationship.
When you discover the affair, you want to be by yourself. You isolate yourself from the whole situation. This isolation can help sort some things out, and think, but that’s not healing.
You need for there to be changes in how you and your spouse interact for real healing to happen. This is where real change happens, in the relationship.
This means that you can’t recover from the affair in isolation. Running off and living like a monk won’t solve the relationship problems.
Meditation and walks in the woods help with self-soothing. They calm your brain and body. Calming is an important part of recovery, yet you need the relationship for the healing to finish.
Affair Recovery doesn’t happen in isolation. If anything it leads to what I call “analysis paralysis”. You analyze things, but don’t make needed changes. Being alone may keep you from being hurt, yet it ends up crippling you.
Recovery isn’t complete until there are changes in your marriage relationship.
A real problem in today’s world is that you’ve probably never learned how to be ‘in relationship’. This is where the video “Let’s talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“ can help you have the skills you need for relationship healing.
When you quit isolating, you start healing. Although you were hurting, the hurt showed up in your relationship. Your relationship needs comforting and healing as well.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
