I’m always on the lookout for statements that capture truths and express them clearly. In listening to one motivational speaker, he made the statement “You can’t edit and create at the same time”. On hearing it, my ears tickled and I said to myself, “He’s on to something!”
The light when off in my head. I’m always on the lookout for new insights and simple ways of conveying truths. His statement captured a simple truth
Although he made the remark in the process of working on new material, I saw it as a truism for marriages. When you and your spouse work through recovery, there are times for editing and times for creating.
When the two of you sit down for serious talks, you can’t do both at the same time.
Editing involves removing things and correcting each other about the past. Creating involves making a better future.
There are times when the two of you will be confronting and talking about the desired take away’s. There are other times when the two of you will be adding to each other’s lives and creating a life together. The conversations will either focus on the past or the future. It’s hard focusing on both at the same time.
What I realized is that when you try doing both at the same time, it locks up communication. Attempting creating and editing simultaneously sends out contradictory messages.
When your brain encounters contradictory messages, it freezes up. That freezing up is one of those points when communication stops.
Your relationship may be going nowhere because your communications are contradictory. You may be trying to do both at the same time. Your message is contradictory.
The contradictory messages leave you wondering if the two of you are making progress or going backward. When you’re wondering if the two of you are moving ahead or backwards, there’s a contradictory message somewhere in your relationship.
Contradictory messages is one of the common mistakes made in couple communication. I cover many of the common mistakes and ways of moving past them in the “Affair Recovery Workshop”.
You can find ways of moving past the roadblocks rather than them being impediments to recovery from the affair.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
