Lately I’ve been encountering an increasing number of people wanting to know more about trauma as it relates to affairs. There are even terms for it such as Affair Trauma, Betrayal Trauma and Betrayed Spouse Syndrome.
Although the Betrayal Trauma and Betrayed Spouse Syndrome are descriptive, the name is misleading. Either the betrayed or the cheater can experience trauma in one form or another.
That experience can be episodic or on-going. Trauma has ways of distorting time.
How each one experiences trauma and deals with its effects can be vastly different.
Saying only one of you can experience trauma skews understanding of the experience. Although I’ve encountered it more often with the betrayed, the cheater is not immune from suffering from the effects of trauma.
Trauma doesn’t limit its impact to one spouse or the other. When there’s trauma it impacts everyone in close proximity. When triggered, everyone is touched by symptoms in one way or another.
Trauma has ways of draining not only its victim, but also anyone attempting connection with them. When you reach out to them, it starts impacting you as well.
Trauma and its effects are not something that is easily wiped off or washed down the drain.
The betrayer can find themselves trauma as well. Since the effects of trauma are cumulative, their affair didn’t cause the trauma, but may be their way of dealing with the effects of trauma.
This isn’t excusing what happened. There may be a connection between the affair and traumas in their life.
When you are suffering the effects of trauma, your thinking is fuzzy and muddled at best. At that point you’re not thinking in terms of what’s best for your marriage, but instead, what reduces your pain.
This doesn’t excuse the decision for having an affair. They still made the decision to reduce their pain in a way that damages your marriage.
What is clear is that when trauma and its effects are present, everyone needs some healing. Acting like only one of you is hurting only limits the healing in affair recovery. When everyone’s traumas are addressed, it brings improvement to both of you and your marriage.
The means that when dealing with trauma, you’ll experience greater healing when both of you are part of the experience in moving past it.
This is where the video on ‘Overcoming Affair Trauma’ helps with the pains you’re suffering through. It guides you in getting unstuck from the repeating pain and obsessive thinking that go with traumas.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
