Although it sounds simple, listening to others isn’t easy. This is especially true when it comes to relationships. There are hints and clues about what’s really going on in the choice of words used in their questions and statements.
I’ve learned that there’s a difference between what they are asking and what I think they’re asking. In fact, it’s often opposite to what they’re communicating.
I’ve learned the importance of subtle little word choices. One reader asked, “How do I deal with an unloving partner?”
The first thing that strikes me is using the word partner rather than ‘spouse’. Their choice of words indicates that their relationship is not a committed one. There’s no commitment.
I thought “Unloving, unloving how?”
Since commitment is required for a loving marriage, addressing that area of concern is a good place to start. Rather than considering how to handle them not loving you, it’s more essential addressing the lack of commitment.
There could very well be a hesitancy to love when there’s a hesitancy to commit.
The reader also wants to know how to ‘deal’ with them. This puzzles me. Are they wanting to know how to love them back, handle their disappointment or find a way through the emotional ups and downs?
When I hear the word ‘deal’ I think of buying a car. You make deals at a dealership.
The word ‘deal’ used in this context indicates that there’s a transaction, a quid pro quo. ‘Dealing’ with another person implies manipulation.
Making deals is akin to horse-trading. It’s a word associated with emotional distance and horse-trading.
You don’t ‘deal’ with someone you love. Loving them means accepting and loving them for who they are.
Instead, you find ways of working with them or connecting with them. In using the word deal, they revealed that their playing games in their relationship rather than really wanting to work things out.
If you’re missing out on the subtle messages your spouse is telling you, it’s an indication that your communication needs improving.
You may be answering questions and discussing what you think you hear rather than hearing what they are asking.
When you’re not connecting and communicating well, the risk of infidelity increases. If you’re not listening, they’ll find someone who will.
If you want to have a loving marriage, take the time to notice and listen to what’s really going on. It’ll save confusion and upset.
Think about how others are using their words. Listen for clues and hints as well as what’s being said. You may be surprised by what you learn about your spouse or partner.
They’ll find someone who ‘gets them’ rather than someone who limits their responses to short answers along with only answering the questions you prefer addressing.
It could be that what you think is ‘unloving’ isn’t about loving at all. It could be about not listening and tuning into them. One way of showing them you love them is by really listening to what they are telling you.
If you’re missing them more than getting them, or they miss you, it’s time for improving the communication in your relationship.
In the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“, I show you ways of connecting with each other so that each of you feels heard. You’ll also discover ways of getting your message across without screaming or threatening them.
Instead of drifting apart, take steps that improve your ability to work together.
Click and download today so that your marriage can be at its best.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
