There was a time when I did a family intervention with my sister that consisted of limiting her watching of television news. Watching it agitated her and put her in a sour mood.
There are times when I wonder if I need a similar self-intervention regarding reading advice columns. There are several such as Ask Ellie and Dear Amy that trigger me.
On reading them I cringe at considering the long-term impact of what they are telling readers. At times I wonder why the readers continue their attachment to them.
The authors of the columns have an agenda, and it isn’t necessarily what’s best for the reader in the long term. It is more about providing a headline or catchy advice that will grab readers’ attention for their own gain and promoting whatever agenda the media group they belong to espouses.
The latest column that set me off concerned an open letter to the lover. Although the letter was well-written, identifying various issues and pulling on the emotional heartstrings, it’s still a mistake.
The writer addressed the issues without attacking or name-calling. This puts her way ahead of many angry betrayed spouses.
Many of the letters I encounter also have emotional appeal, but in another direction. They’re filled with references to being a slore, how ugly the lover is, or how desperate they are to sleep with a married man.
It’s one thing if you write such a letter to gather your thoughts, it’s something else if you have any intention of sending it. The part that set me off was how the columnist applauded her for it.
The columnist did follow up in recommending she redirect her energies into counseling, which could help in terms of damage control.
Emotional appeals, even well-written ones are not the best strategy. Letters keep the emotions stirred up, even years after the affair is over with. I strongly urge clients to avoid the temptation for sending such letters.
First, if the lover were thinking rationally, they wouldn’t have had the affair.
Appeals to the lover that they have compassion, understanding or mercy often come across as begging. You may not mean it that way, but your intentions and how the lover reads it are two different things.
Letters also have a tendency of being directed at the wrong point of intervention. They want the lover to back off, which only removes an immediate threat. There are bigger threats that remain even after the lover exits your life.
Your marriage relationship is where attention is needed. There are things you can do that start the transformation process.
In the downloadable Affair Recovery Workshop, I go over proven things you can do in changing things. There are ways of starting conversations, getting past the defenses and growing intimacy that doesn’t involve sending letters.
Try doing your interventions face to face. It’s tougher and riskier, but in the long run, it ends up bringing more healing than letters will. If you don’t believe me, try it for yourself.
This is a way of testing out my methods before you make the choice of purchasing the workshop. You can see for yourself if it works.
Click and download your copy of the workshop today.
Keeping It Real,
Jeff
