It strikes me as common sense that when an affair happens, one spouse has done the other wrong. Not only that, breaking your marriage vows is another wrong. Besides that, I have a hard time viewing lying to your spouse as the ‘right’ thing to do.
Although such matters are common sense to me, they aren’t so common with some counselors. A couple of years ago, I conducted a survey where the 500+ respondents indicated that 60% the therapist didn’t deal with the affair, which is why they went to the therapist in the first place.
It shouldn’t have surprised me those therapists avoided dealing with the affair. A prominent post-modern therapy model for many family therapists takes the position (and this is from one of their workshops) “There are no wrong ways-In other words there are no nos.”
I can see why therapists trained in this way of thinking would be popular with cheaters, but a nightmare for you. If there are no wrongs, there’s no accountability. Therapy becomes a free-for-all, with no rules, except that the person controlling the narrative—-wins! They get their story version out. In repeating enough times, it becomes the accepted version, whether or not it was accurate or correct.
I know that all marriages are different, and that people are different and the best way of handling an affair in their marriage may be different. Although people are different, there are some common sense relationship ground rules.
You still need simple common sense rules. Do what you promised. Tell the truth. Fulfill your commitment to your spouse. Treat your spouse with decency, whether you want to or not. It’s only when relationships have some ground rules that you feel secure.
Years ago a study was done with young children on a playground. When the playground had no fence, the children huddled in the middle. It was only after the boundary of a fence was put up that they felt secure enough to run all over the playground. The moral is…you need boundaries. Boundaries make children feel secure and boundaries make spouses feel secure.
If you’re missing security in your relationship, there are problems. Your interest in your marriage may be waning. When you’re not being respected, your spouse is not interested in you or what’s good for you. They are not..doing you right.
What’s the solution?
A good place to start is with the video “Let’s Talk: Hurting People and Healing Questions“, which addresses the importance of boundaries and making your marriage safe again. You may know that boundaries are needed, but need help in knowing where to start. This video shows you ways of starting the changes you want.
Best Regards,
Jeff
2 Responses
It does seem that the overall therapeutic offerings are more pro cheater than pro chump. The therapy crowd knows the chump is vulnerable and easy prey. They sell us books and sessions and try to push blame on us. I even see advice on what to do to get the cheater back. Once caught and they continue to be with someone else, it is very much time to move on! The reconciliation business is targeting the weak and making a killing!
The sad reality is that many of the present offerings are more pro cheater than pro chump, since they emphasize ‘acceptance’ and ‘tolerance’ rather than commitment and responsibility. If responsibility and commitment were emphasized, most people would get their ‘feelings’ hurt.
I also suspect part of the reason is that many of the therapists are ‘guilty’ of affairs themselves. They emphasize being ‘value-free’ to the point of not seeking the truth in many cases, but that’s my own opinion.
I’m not sure if the reconciliation business is targeting the weak so much as there are many people out there who have ‘itching ears’ and pay to hear what they want to hear, which is the mantra…”It’s not your fault!” instead of ‘How can we make our marriage better’ or ‘accountability’ or ‘honesty’.