On one of my hubpages yesterday I was asked a question on the topic of sexual chemistry. Although the term is often used, few understand or have thought through what it means.
True sexual chemistry would be the mixing of bodily fluids and the effects that has. This type of sexual chemistry exists. This type of sexual chemistry is a factor in attachment and bonding issues.
This type of chemistry is more of a factor after the affair occurs, when the two of you exchange some forms of bodily fluids.
The way the term ‘sexual chemistry’ is often used refers to how things ‘click’ when you meet a person. This is the second type of sexual chemistry. The attachment and energy generated in that first meeting comes from the chemistry in your brain.
The sudden rush of oxytocin and dopamine give you the sensation of being ‘in love’. Recent studies have altered bonding behavior in voles based on altering the levels of these chemicals.
In most cases, this type of ‘sexual chemistry’ is more about brain chemistry. The sight, sound, or smell of the person triggers (turns on) circuits in your brain.
The circuits that are activated were originally created earlier in life. Since the original circuits were strong, when they are activated again, there is a strong response. You find yourself aroused or stimulated and assume that the other person is the reason.
Realistically, you don’t know the person, you have no history with the person, so how can there be a strong response? Simple, they remind you or are similar to someone from your past.
A third type of sexual chemistry occurs when the brain is seeking stimulation. It wants to be aroused. For this reason, I think of this third one as ‘arousal chemistry’.
This one is similar to how a dog goes into heat. When you pick on cues and signals from the other person (pheromones, sights, smells, gestures) the brain reacts.
It is reacting more to the signals than who the person is. There is a growing amount of research on smell and stimulation, suggesting that you are chemically attracted to some select group of persons that have particular qualities. This is where pheromones come into play.
When a person is just reacting and not thinking, they may be more prone to this type of ‘arousal chemistry’.
Bear in mind, that sexual addicts often break all the rules. They often react to any kind of arousal, whether or not there are brain circuits or chemical arousal….they just want to ‘get it on’.
For them, they are already aroused, then want attraction, rather than attraction then arousal. The excuse of sexual chemistry is often used to make it sound like something else.
If your spouse is telling you that they cheated due to sexual chemistry, you may want to find out what they mean in using that term. They may be referring to one type of chemistry and you are thinking of another type.
Sexual chemistry is an aspect of relationships you need to consider. This is why I address these changes and ways of dealing with and undoing them in the Affair Recovery Workshop.
Getting the cheater to stop the affair is only the beginning. Undoing the chemical reactions and rebuilding your marriage are important parts of affair recovery. Undoing and rebuilding gives you a true recovery to where you really do have your spouse back, mind and body.
Best Regards,
Jeff
