Dealing with living on a day to day basis after finding out about the affair is tough. The day starts with the struggle of finding motivation to get out of bed. It seems that the inspiration you once had to get your day started has been stolen from you, along with your sense of security, your self-respect and at times, your kindness. On the outside you may be able to hide some of your hurts, yet on the inside, you are a shell of who you once were. During such times, you need purpose, worth and significance. You need to know that you are valued and that your life has direction.
With each of the major struggles in out life, we will hit such walls. The ‘wall’ being that point where giving up sounds better than struggle. There may be days when you have bursts of drive, perhaps after reading a book, attending a seminar, worship service or attending a counseling session, yet, the energy does not last as long as you need it to. On such days, this is when it is good to have friends. Friends that you can talk to, and share with. Overcoming the discouragement on such days is tough. It is often more that just a physical struggle. There are often emotional and spiritual forces at work at such times. It is alright to share your struggles with your friends. You will get the most out of such times by sharing what you are going through on the inside rather than just trashing the lover and the cheater. When you trash the lover and the cheater, it gives you some energy, yet it is not a healthy kind of energy. It is the energy that comes from complaining. Instead, try sharing about your moods, your energy level, your thoughts, and the wall that you are encountering.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
4 Responses
Again you nailed it. The adultery went on for years….after D DAY the struggle was fierce.
His being involved with the children of the adultery has taken the momentum out of OUR relationship just/ as the Adultery did …so now I have little hope for a TRUE marriage …it is now more like being in a boarding house…Not because we want it that way …but he seems to have little energy to court or date..and much of our time is spent ..just going through a routine ..eat , work , sleep , tv …some talk …usually about those children and his regular ‘sorry for all of this ‘ …then nodding off …we DO share time watching an old tv series he used to watch with his father ..during which we hold hands…
I had hoped with our children being grown we would FINALLY have more time to focus upon being together ..but now …that has been short circuited. …I will find my way …one way or another to live out my life…but our marriage has been reduced thus far to this.
He refuses to go to any more marriage helps….we went to a therapist …and a marriage weekend …read 1000’s of books…listened to seminars …He is just too spread thin to delve into this any more .
But hope in my heart …is still there .
Zaza,
It saddens me to hear about how things are more like a boarding house than a home. It sounds like some efforts were made, yet it sounds more like going through the motions, since his heart seems to be elsewhere. It is hard to home to be home without everyone’s heart being there. The critical relationship to creating a home is the marriage relationship. When the relationship with the children, or the job, or extended family becomes the priority, things begin falling apart.
It grieves me that he is no longer open to get help. Perhaps he needs to digest and meditate on what he has obtained. Many cheaters need to let things sink in. It is human nature, that is why the psalmist includes the term “Selah” in so many Psalms. It means simply, think about it…let it sink in. That tells me that many need to let things sink in.
And he knows better…”to him who knows to do good and does not do it , it is sin”
In your case he does know, yet for some reason he refuses to do. It tells me that his problem is not ignorance, or a rejection of you. It is more likely that he is rejecting the author of the scriptural passage that you shared. That is the relationship where his root problems lie.