In promoting her book on infidelity, the author Esther Perel stated “The current conversation about the subject (infidelity) -in which cheaters and other nonmonogamous partners are presumed to be weird or evil is just not adequate to meet the needs of people.”
I’ve read and reread her statement considering how the dialogue about the current conversation about infidelity is not adequate in meeting the needs of people. I pondered ‘whose’ needs are not being met and how the conversation isn’t adequate.
If the needs of both spouses were being met, affairs wouldn’t be happening. In that case, there wouldn’t be a need for such a conversation in the first place.
The first thing that I realized was that any conversation about infidelity is filled with inadequacies. Infidelity itself is about inadequacy.
The infidelity is about seeking a way of dealing with some inadequacy. It may be the need for more sex, more affection, more fun or finding a way of making you feel better.
In terms of whose needs are not being adequately addressed, infidelity is an endless conversation about needs not being met. Initially neither you or the cheater will feel listened to.
Each of you are wrapped up in so much emotion, that you won’t feel listened to. Using terms like ‘weird’ or ‘evil’ is often the only way of expressing your angst.
Using nicer terms may be more socially appropriate, but they don’t express what you’re feeling, and they don’t cut through the noise. You need a way of expressing what you’re feeling and the cheater needs to hear what you’re saying.
Likewise, you’ll eventually need to hear them out as well. The cheater also has feelings that don’t come out smooth.
I view the purpose of such conversations as laying out the pain and the issues. When the purpose of your conversation is being smooth or non-offensive, you’re likely not getting your point across.
The conversation about infidelity will never be adequate in terms of being smooth or non-offensive. When the conversation is real, someone’s always going to be ‘butt hurt‘.
Given the nature of the hurt that’s been done, if someone’s not hurt, chances are that someone’s not being honest in the conversation. When you’re honest, you’re vulnerable.
Being vulnerable means that you risk being hurt or hurting your spouse.
Navigating the ‘infidelity’ conversation is risky. It forces each of you to leave your protective bubbles and actually connect with each other.
In the “Affair Recovery Workshop“, guides you in terms of when the conversation should come up during affair recovery along with ways of navigating through it.
There are better times for having the conversation than others. There’s also better places to have it and rules you want in place BEFORE it happens.
Bringing up the conversation at the wrong time or handling it the wrong way makes recovery harder than it needs to be.
Best Regards,
Jeff
