How to cope with a cheating spouse

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One of the current trends is for people to have an ‘office spouse’. In previous generations, you may have said that someone was ‘shacking up’ or slutting around, or that they were the office whore. The term ‘office spouse’ sounds less offensive. The change in terms does little to mask the damage done to a marriage by these leaches.

The ‘office spouse’ refers to the person who hooks up with your spouse at work. They are an item. What makes it worse is that although many people at the worksite know about the cheating, but the relationship is kept at work. The mindset of “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” is put into play. With the worksite supporting the affair, if you call in, they will cover for the couple. In order to keep their jobs and ‘keep the peace’ everyone shuts up about the office spouse.

There are also other variations of the office spouse. There is the ‘traveling spouse’ or ‘work spouse’ (work wife/work husband) which is the person your spouse sleeps with on business trips. By using the excuse of they get lonely, the behavior is excused by those participating.

In some cases, those with work spouses see little wrong with it. They have grown so accustomed to being partnered up, they see little wrong with it. Since they are cheating with the same person, they do not feel like a slut about the situation. Somehow sleeping with one person is more tolerable to them than sleeping with many people in the work place. When it is your husband or wife that they are sleeping with, it does matter!

In such cases, piercing the wall of silence around the office spouse is a challenge. Once you get people to be honest, then you are faced with the challenge of changing their thinking. By staying in a monogamous relationship, they have deluded themselves into thinking that it is acceptable. They do not understand that cheating is cheating, whether in the boardroom, the bed room, the pool hall or the White House. Cheating is cheating.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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When I hear “he doesn’t want to talk about the affair”, I feel for you, especially when you have tried talking to your spouse over a period of weeks or months. It is heart-wrenching when you are shut out and ignored at the mention of their cheating.

The sad reality is that some cheaters prefer the cheating to facing reality. They prefer the pain of the cheating rather than face some other painful issue in their lives. As painful and destructive as cheating is, they often view it as the ‘lesser of two evils”.

Cheaters who avoid discussing the issues of the affair with you have a reason for doing so. Hammering away at them with “why, Why, WHY” has not gotten you anywhere and it likely won’t get you anywhere.

The question to consider is not ‘Why?’, but rather…”What is the payoff?” Look at what the affair ‘fixes’ or keeps them from facing in their lives. Assuming that you are not dealing with an addictive pattern, there will be some logic behind their choices. The affair is their attempt to ‘fix’ or ‘avoid’ something.

Once you see the ‘payoff’ then the answers become clearer. Affairs for them are a convenient distraction. It is a way to avoid facing something more dreadful. Whether or not what they dread is ‘as bad as they assume’, the reality of their fear is real to them.

I am not saying that their affair should be excused, or condoned. I am saying that if you want to get closer to them, you will have to understand their reality, and what they viewed as their choices. You may not agree with their choices. Their choice may have been a poor one.

Not talking about the affair is a sure way to keep the tension in the marriage. If you want to make sense of such situations, be ready to examine ‘who or what benefits from the tension?’ as ugly as it may be.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

You may hear your spouse tell you that are innocent, that they are a victim! Although most of the time that such phrases are used, they are thrown out as excuses for what the cheater did. Although in a majority of cases, they are excuses, there are some situations where they are the victim. In the con-game world, a target person is often set up for accusations of cheating. In the con-game, the set up cheater is often lured into a compromising situation, then the trap is sprung. When the trap is sprung the secret of their cheating is often used against them in a blackmail manner.

There are also men and women who are drugged in their drinks and are victims of unscrupulous persons who exploit their situation. Although you may not want to consider this option, such things do still happen. There are ‘evil’ people who stoop to such ploys.

Besides the con-game folks, another type of person that looks for victims is the ‘litigant-crazed person’. These type look for lawsuits. They often have a history of initiating lawsuits. They truly are looking for victims that they can take to court on frivolous claims that will reward them with money.

One way to make sure a behavior continue is to reward it. In the case of litigant crazed persons, with the courts giving them rewards, they want more of that money from the courts. With that in mind, they look for opportunities for law suits. Their first response to most crises is “I’ll sue!”. These types are out there and on the prowl for innocent victims. These types often make claims of sexual attacks and affairs when none have occurred.

Your spouse may truly be a victim of one of these unscrupulous types. The test is to ask the question “Qui Bono?” (Who benefits). If your spouse does not benefit from the accusation of cheating, and someone else stand to gain monetarily from the accusation, you will want to consider that there is a set up.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

PS-I will be hosting a webinar on Steps to Regaining Control After an Affair on Wednesday, August 25th at 7:00pm CDT. You can register here for that webinar. Link.

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When you tell me“I am so frustrated!’ , it communicates more than you realize. That statement lets me know that at some level, you are either trying to control what is going on or you are struggling with the loss of control. Dealing with cheaters will put your face into the middle of many control issues. You may want to control where your spouse goes, who they talk to, how they spend their money, and how they respond to you. If you had that kind of control, you would have a trained circus animal rather than a spouse. They would be doing things because they are controlled, NOT because they love you or are doing things based on their moral values.

Seriously, what can you control in the situation with your spouse? At this moment you are doing good controlling your own anger and emotions without trying to control theirs as well. Yes, you can change some things through control and manipulation, which may bring your spouse back due to being ‘controlled’. You may want to rethink doing such things. If your marriage is going to work, you want them to return due to a commitment to you, a desire for you, and a love for you. Forcing them to return through control means that you have their body, but you do not have their heart.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

PS Jeff will be discussing his e-book, “How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse” in a tele-seminar interview on Tuesday, August 17th from 5-7:30pm EST. You can register for the call at this link.

Upon seeing your spouse you may be struck by something odd. He just does not seem to be himself. You notice that he is walking around in a daze, when you look at him, he is somewhere else. Yes, he is at the table with you, but his attention and his soul are somewhere else. At first, you may pass it off as him being tired, stressed or eccentric.

When it continues, you may begin wondering if something else is going on. He talks different and seems to have changed his values. As bizarre as it seems, you begin wondering “Is he brainwashed?” When those thoughts occur, you may dismiss them as ‘crazy talk’, but you can’t fully let go of them. Something is wrong, but your are not sure what it is.

Your assumption of brainwashing may be closer to reality than you thought. Cheaters often undergo changes. First the attention is redirected, then the emotions and finally the sexual union. Each of these changes are accompanied by changes in either the brain or the body.

When the attention is redirected, their mind shifts its resources to the new target. As part of that new target, their brains begin a rewiring process. When the emotions are redirected, the heart is redirected. The rewiring which began with the attention shift now intensifies. The intensity can be so strong as to over ride their will power. When they are in this state, they are susceptible to suggestions from the object of their attention and affection—their lover. The lover often molds and shapes the mind of the cheater. Some lovers do it accidentally, while others intentionally twist and turn their victims.

When sexual activity occurs, there is chemical bonding on top of the earlier emotional and attentional bonding. The chemicals released during orgasm often contribute to a restructuring of emotions and attention. The process of turning your spouse into their property is nearly complete. There has been a rewiring of their mind, heart and body. The rewiring has been reinforced and strengthened. As the old saying goes “a three fold cord is not easily broken”. The three fold cord is now working against you and your marriage.

So your question, “Is he brainwashed?” is a good one, although by the time you seriously investigate, it is too late to stop the restructuring of your spouse. Yes, he is brainwashed. He is also re-programmed. He may look the same on the outside, but his guidance system, morals, and desires have been changed.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Once news of the cheating has come out, in some cases, it is followed by self-loathing by the cheater. The self-loathing may be mild or extreme. When spouses are faced with this self-loathing, they are faced with some difficult choices.

1. Should she allow him to wallow in his self-pity and self-loathing?
2. Should she intervene with reassurances of “Everything is going to be alright”?

Both of these options are mistakes. When I see self-loathing, I am reminded of a line from the move re-make of the Thomas Crown Affair, where Pierce Bronson comments, “Regrets are a waste of time”. The self-loathing is a form of regret. With self-loathing, there is plenty of regret, crying, and poor-me talk.

What is the pay-off for self-loathing?

Self-loathing allows the cheater to avoid responsibility. Yes, they are admitting their mistake, but they are not moving past it. They are stuck in emotional mud. If the loathing continues for a period of time, they are building up to either cheat again or leave the marriage. The self-loathing is also self-deprecating. The usual pattern is for them to continue putting themselves down until they ‘don’t deserve’ their wife or kids or …. It is at that point, they immediately hit their retro rockets and propel themselves out of the loathing and into the option that they have been wanting to do all along. The loathing allowed them to make that choice, but now they do not feel guilty about it. They already wallowed in their guilt. ….In other words…it is an emotional con game. It is an avoidance of responsibility.

The way out is for them to ‘man’ up or ‘put their big girl pants on’ and face up to what they have done. They made a bad choice. That does not mean they are scum, it means they made a bad choice. They can now choose to make better choices.

True confession involves regret over what was done and a desire to make it up to the offended party. They will take action to make things right, which means they will have to leave their lover and all those goes with them. Choosing to remain in self-loathing often indicates they are not wanting to leave behind the relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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