Archive Page 2
One of the particularly challenging questions that often arises as couples take steps in repairing their marriage after an affair concerns the resolution spouse’s attitude. The attitude of the resolute spouse is critical to consider in looking at the marriage. When the resolute spouse is angry, cold and distant, it would not inspire anyone to want to get close to them. Healthy intimacy involves the desire of wanting to join or be at one with their spouse. When the spouse is cold, angry and distant, there is little that someone would want to join with. In taking steps to regain your spouse and restore the intimacy, attitude is critical to consider. To rebuild the relationship, there needs to be something to attract your spouse back.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs and attitude, infidelity and attitude, Rebuilding the relationship, the importance of attitude in rebuilding the marriage
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New research conducted by Swedish scientists raises questions about the genetic background of affairs. In their research, they have found that some genetic variations (AVPR1A)Â have influenced the bonding of voles. Their research has found that genetic variations can explain some difficulties they have in bonding. The researchers are wondering if it has applications for human behaviors. The rodent behavior noticed in the voles, raises some questions for understanding human behaviors.
Genetic researchers have found that that same gene (AVPR1A) has some correlations with human behaviors. Variations in that gene have been found linked to aggression, age of 1st intercourse, and altruism. The part of the brain that is often stimulated by the gene is the amygdala. Ironically, this same part of the brain is a large component of sexual addictions.
The research does not let infidels off the hook. In the event that some linkage is found between the gene and adultery (or the ability to bond), the question then arises, which came first…the adultery or the change in the gene? Researchers have found that human behavior can change brain chemistry. Our choices do make a difference in how we behave, and how we feel. Animals act based on urges, as humans, we have choice. Even if a genetic basis is found, humans still have can choose whether to act on their urge or not.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, Affairs in the News, amygdala stimulation, correlation of human and vole behaviors, genetic basis of affairs, infidelity and genetics
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Is it possible that you are in denial concerning an affair? Many times there are signals and messages that things are different, yet the one spouse is oblivious to the signals. Changes in dress, speech, appearance, habits, and friends are all indications that something is happening. You may know that something is changing, but do you know the reason for those changes. When you see changes in your spouses emotional distance from you, when you since a change in how they respond to you, it may be time to ask questions about what is behind it. When you are given an answer, it the words sound hollow or do not ring true, you may want to explore matters further. When we are in denial, we often want to believe the lies, rather than seeking out the truth.Your gut will alert you to when things are not what they seem.
Learn to pay attention to your gut. How often has your gut led you astray? If it has not, then what makes you think it is doing so now? Knowing what signals to listen to is part of breaking through the denial. Rather than live in a dream world of denial, you will need to develop the habit of living in the real world.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
denial about relationships, denial and affairs, denial and cheating, denial and infidelity, overcoming denial, Understanding Affairs
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A commonly asked question that challenges many with its answer is “Can a person be driven to an affair?” In emotionally unhealthy marriages, spouses often find themselves feeling desperate in finding ways to meet their needs. The needs are legitimate. There is nothing wrong with the needs. What becomes problematic is when they see the affair as a way to meet those needs. When spouses can not talk through their issues or do not have the freedom to bring up their issues with their partner, the likelihood of an affair is greater.
This means you need to be approachable. You will need to listen to your spouse. In listening to them, you will need to hear them out, rather than react. By hearing them out, you are demonstrating your willingness to be open. Spouses often know that “talk is cheap”, and that their partners often promises, but does not deliver. In an effort to be a spouse that delivers on their word, listen to your partner’s concerns. Let them talk WITHOUT correcting them or talking down to them, at least until they have finished telling your their concerns. I have seen many spouses focused more on correcting their partners than listening to them and the results are disasterous.
affairs, driven to an affair, driven to infidelity, infidelity, Understanding Affairs
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Many times the signs and symptoms of an affair are visible. An expression in counseling is that “a person can not not communicate”. There are always signals and non-verbal signs of behaviors. There may be oddities that you notice in their behavior. Many spouses do not mention these items or question them but rather instead write them off as “a bad day”, “coincidence” or some other excuse. By ignoring these matters, it turns a blind eye to the affair. Instead of ignoring the signs, learn to ask questions. When your spouse distances themselves from you, be willing to ask them about it, instead of excusing it. If it were your teen and the issue was drug abuse you would look for warning signs. If it was cancer, you would look for warning signs, yet with affairs, the warning signs are often ignored. Instead of ignoring the truth, explore the truth.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Rebuilding the relationship, signs of an affair, signs of fooling around, signs of infidelity
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In the aftermath of an affair, behaviors are often at the forefront of the arguments/discussions. The reason behaviors are at the front is their visibility. They make easy targets since they are observable. Behaviors can be either denied or admitted to. What is often not discussed is attitudes. It is as if the attitudes are hidden behind the behaviors. Attitudes color the daily interactions of spouses, yet are rarely the focus of attention after an affair. Although we know what it is like to be on the receiving end of an attitude, bringing those attitudes to the attention of one’s spouse is often a challenging matter.
It is important to deal with the attitudes AND the behaviors, rather than just what is easily observable. With attitudes, each spouse will need to assume responsibility for what they have felt, thought and done. It is only when they assume that responsibility that the “look what you made me do” or “you made me feel this way” is going to stop.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, dealing with the attitudes behind affairs, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs, what are the behaviors hiding
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Adultery is one of those heinous acts that people often search for who is to blame. The focus on blaming often keeps each of the spouses from taking an honest look at what each can do to improve the marriage. The blaming often takes the form of good person/bad person. A distinct difference is noted between the two spouses. This good person/bad person often takes center stage rather than what each did that contributed to the situation developing or what needs to be done to improve the marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
blame for the affair, blame for the infidelity, cheating, relationships, Understanding Affairs
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A question that is often very difficult to handle is “Is it my fault that my spouse had an affair?” Such questions often keep the emotional tension at a high point. There are feelings of guilt, shame, anger and often rage associated with this question. Many times there are mixed answers to the question. There are the the answers you tell yourself, and then there are the gut-level answers that often gnaw at you. Just by asking the question, you are looking for someone or something to blame for what happened. There is a massive search for the donkey to pin the tail on. Since most people have difficulty accepting blame and responsibility, this is a question that seeks to appease the conscience and attach or remove blame. It is a question that few want to look at honestly, yet all need to if they want to repair their relationship.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, blame for adultery, blame for the affair, cheating, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs
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One of my sons is a Quintin Tarantino fan, and as such he uses quotes from his movies. One of those quotes concerns revenge. In one movie of the Kill Bill series, revenge is likened to a forest that one often gets lost in. The more I thought about it, I realized there is some truth to it from what I have seen with couples. It is common for one spouse to seek revenge for the affair. Filing for divorce is often a form of revenge. In the case of filing for divorce, the spouse often gets lost in the forest. Divorce lawyers end up costing more than expected. What should have been a few hundred dollars has turned into several thousand, and you are no closer to final settlement. The deisre to get out or the relationship often turns into a drive to devestate them while devestaring yourself in the process. When this mutual devestation of emotional and financial resources takes place, they have definitely gotten lost in the forest. They forgot what they wanted in the first place. Before you get lost in the forest of revenge, consider what it is that you really want in the aftermath of an affair.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs and divorce, infidelity and divorce, Infidelity and revenge, revenge and divorce dont mix well, Understanding Affairs
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In reading through articles concerning affairs, a complaint made by adulterers is the lack of resources available to them. I exclaimed to myself “Are they not looking?!” It surprised me that the concern was raised. After thinking about it, I realized that this is the kind of thinking that got them in this place anyways. They want a quick fix to the marriage that involves a minimal amount of effort. That is not going to happen. I know of several books that deal with that topic. Gary Smalley and Willard Harley have written some just to name a couple. You will need to repair the marriage, not just patch up the damage from the affair.
If they can not find one specifically for them, they can use one of the books to help the resolute spouse and do some reverse engineering if nothing else. They need to understand how it effects their spouse as well as themselves. The material is out there in terms of how to repair their marriage. They may have to look for it and find what works for them, but even the search is part of the healing process. “How badly to you want to heal your marriage?” is a question they need to consider.
The same article was expressing concern about how the therapists want them to admit the affair to their spouse. This information was expressed as a concern. I would be concerned if the therapist did not want to make them get honest about the affair. Hiding secrets often gets us into worse problems than would occur if they were dealt with.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, dealing with your cheating, healing for the adulterer, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, resources for the adulterer, Understanding Affairs
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