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As youngsters, many people played the game of freeze tag. Once you have been touched, you are touched you are to remain frozen in position. In a similar manner, when a person has an affair, the distance which existed in the relationship is frozen into position. The distance between husband and wife effectively becomes cemented. The distance impacts how they communicate and how they interact with each other. If any meaningful change is to occur in the relationship, this distance will need to be addressed. It is not enough to just forgive to talk about what happened. The couple will need to address the distance between the two of them them.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
affair and communication, affairs and intimacy, Understanding Affairs
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Feeling trapped by an affair? If you are trapped, or just feeling trapped, it is important to escape. The longer you choose to stay in an affair, the greater the damage is done. Delays in making a major intervention just to protect the feelings of others is a mistake. Traps can be made of emotional material as well as iron bars. There are times that the emotional ties are stronger than iron bars. Whether it is a physical or emotional trap, it is imperative to escape at the earliest time you can. Whether or not it is convenient, or easy, you need to pull out of the affair. Yes, the lover may be upset (or lonely, or angry, or …). You may be called names or be threatened. It is better to leave with bruised pride rather than a damaged body or mind. Once you are out, then you can think things through. That is when you can recover and find yourself. Trying to find yourself while in an affair is a sure way to loose yourself.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
entrapment and affairs, entrapment and cheating, escaping and affair, Reducing the Risk, Understanding Affairs
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Is it possible to have an affair without realizing it? The answer is an unqualified “YES”. In the dating world, people are not always upfront with the information a person needs in order to make wise choices. That woman that you are taking out on a date may not have told you that she is married. When the date began, you may have operated on the assumption that everything was copasetic. You may be operating that her interest in you was genuine. IN such cases, many are caught in traps they never intended to be a part of. It is not beyond married men and women to portray themselves as ‘available’ and single when the reality is that they are not so. When spouses are away as part of overseas assignments or in prison, their counterparts may not remain totally loyal to them. When faced with a prolonged absence, some spouses operate as if they were ’single’. In some cases, it is intentional, in others, such situations are due to you being caught up in their delusional thinking and values about how they are available. Although the lonely spouse may be enticing, the ‘well’ is a poisoned one. In such situations it is best to exit quickly, no matter how charming and enticing they are.
It is a mistake to think that the person who was tricked was actively seeking an affair. People can be tricked or deceived into an affair. When the person who was tricked happens to go along with the situation, then they are literally asking for trouble.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
military wives and affairs, prison and affairs, Reducing the Risk, tricked into an affair, tricked into cheating, Understanding Affairs, unintended affairs
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Since affairs hurt people at a very personal level, the risk of revenge is extremely high. One of the major dangers is that there are often more people that want revenge than the infidel can keep track of. The offended spouse, the lover, the lover’s ex, family members of the offended spouse, etc. Affairs are often easier to jump into than out of.
Not only is it hard to predict who will seek revenge, it is also difficult to predict when, where and against who it will come. Some offended parties will attack directly. Others prefer indirect attacks which are designed to inflict peer and a sense of helplessness. The greater the offense, the higher the likelihood of vengeful retaliation. If you are having an affair with a married person the risks are even higher. Keep in mind that more than half of all women killed in the United States are killed by family members. In terms of men, 90% of men who are murdered every year are killed by acquaintances or friends.
These are high numbers which anyone who is planning an affair or involved in an affair should be aware of.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
dangers of affairs, murder and affairs, revenge and affairs, Understanding Affairs
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One of the weird things that I have encountered with affairs is the strong similarities between the infidels spouse and the lover. Although they may deny it, the choice in lover often reveals hidden needs. When the lover look like the spouse, though perhaps a younger, sexier version, the choice indicates that they really do love their spouse, although they have trouble loving the present day version of the spouse. Making close observations of the lover can tell you more than you ever imagined, when you know what to look for. Most of the time, the spouse reacts strongly to the lover out of an “it’s not me!” mentality, even though on closer observation, it is a version of ‘me’. Spouses often have to ask someone close to them to make observations, since they are too close to see such similarities.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs, choosing a lover, factors behind the choice in a lover, Understanding Affairs
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In dealing with affairs, I often encounter those who insist that their swapping and polyamorous lifestyles are healthy and ‘natural’. They espouse the reasons for their positions, and justify their choices. Although the discussions are often lively, when they get honest, those lifestyles are often filled with confusion, torn loyalties, emotional binges, and insecurities. The emotional price tag for such choices has many large costs that are often hidden from the public. The simple truth is that ‘infidelity is infidelity’ pure and simple. No matter how it is packaged and relabeled, one cannot escape the consequences of such choices. The insecurity, emotional turmoil, torn loyalties risk of health issues and lies that go with such choices can not be escaped. The jealous and angry reactions still arise when spouses devote time and attention to others despite all the claims about the ‘openness’ of the relationship. The wild party eventually comes to an end and someone has to clean up and live with the messes it produces.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
insecurity and affairs, polyarmory, swapping and affairs, Understanding Affairs
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Many couples wait until the damage is massive before they decide to work on their marriage. After the spirit of oneness and tenderness is destroyed, they wonder if they can ever get that back. They delay taking action until the pain reaches a level which they can no longer tolerate. The time to take action is when there is distance in the relationship, not when the pain becomes unbearable. The choice of using pain as their barometer of action rather than distance in their relationship is a fatal one. It is important in responding to the issues to respond when there are changes in the distance rather than after people take action like an affair to make that distance permanent.
Typically when people ask “Is there any hope?”, they have waited until the pain is intense and unbearable. They are wanting a magic cure that will ‘zap’ their marriage back to the earlier days. Deciding to wait until the pain became unbearable is part of the problem that got them to where they are at. Rather than asking such questions, they need to be at work correcting how they relate to their spouse.
Rather than ask the question-TAKE ACTION! Do something to improve your marriage now!
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
affairs, distance in marriage, hope for relationship, hope in marriage, Rebuilding the relationship
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One of the potential dangers with affairs is that of stalkers. There are many people who are pleasant enough on the outside, yet once their passions are stimulated become a monster. The monster may be the lover, spouse of a lover, or a wandering spouse. What starts as an obsession soon escalates to controlling. The controlling escalates to stalking. They believe that they must have you, know where you are and who you are talking to. When questioned, they will profess love, caring and protection, even though you know it as smothering and controlling. When left unchecked, the stalking can escalate to violence. The violence may be directed against you, your property, your family, or something important to you.
When faced with such situations, what do you do?
1. Leave the situation. If you can’t leave, begin setting firm boundaries.
2. Create an island of safety. This may be a room, a place you visit or a friends. You will need a place to gather your thoughts. Since they often say things that create confusion, you will need a place to sort things out.
3. Pray.
4. Begin making choices to take care of yourself, rather than avoid irritating the stalker.
There are more steps to take. These will start you on your way to freedom.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
stalkers and affairs, Understanding Affairs
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Google has introduced another product that is sure to impact relationships. Google Buzz (which is their social network service) allows people to snoop on private gmail accounts by seeing who people write to the most. The service launched on February 9, yet its release was surrounded by controversy. Buzz connects you automatically with anyone who you have sent gmail to. Any secret or anonymous messages are no longer hidden from prying eyes. People will know who you wrote to and how often. The initial version allowed people to automatically follow and connect without being asked. Google has since made some adjustments to allow for more privacy. The service immediately had massive traffic, and many prying eyes looking into others affairs.
For the suspicious spouse, the service if a boon. For those hiding affairs or desiring discreet communication, the service is a MAJOR threat. Bear in mind that Google’s CEO, considers privacy an evil thing. (”If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.“). This attitude is potentially dangerous. If you are hiding from a jealous spouse or a stalking spouse, or rapist these threats to privacy are a threat to your security as well. If you are secretly preparing to leave a dangerous person, you will not be able to as easily as in previous years.
Google Buzz is a powerful, yet dangerous tool. It can hurt those who use it in ways they may have never imagined. Knowing of its existence and potential dangers is important in dealing with the many issues associated with affairs.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey D. Murrah
privacy and affairs, privacy and google, Reducing the Risk, Resources
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When an affair is suspected or found out, many couples ask the wrong questions. Rather than asking “What can I do to save my marriage?” , “What will save my marriage?” or “What is my marriage worth?” they instead quibble about “What does a counselor cost?”, “What does a private eye cost?” or “How much does a divorce attorney cost?”. By asking the wrong questions, they find misleading and distracting answers and little is done for the marriage. Couples often spend more on their cars than on improving their marriage. The relationship with the person who you pledged your life to share together receives less attention than the brand names of the clothes in the closet or the quality of automobile in the garage. Such poor choices go back to the poor questions that are being asked.
If your marriage is in trouble-you need to do something NOW. If you suspect that your spouse is having an affair, you need to do something NOW! If your spouse is distant from you, something needs to be done NOW! When the air conditioner or heater breaks, service is often called immediately, since your physical comfort or health is at risk. When your emotional/relational health is at risk, or breaks, and your physical health is endanger (from stress), rather than taking action, people delay. They dicker over price, convenience, or deny that any problems exists, when they need to be taking action. They show less alarm over a broken relationship than they do over a broken car or air conditioner.
Part of the reason for the wrong questions, besides denial goes back to misplaced priorities. When the priorities are misplaced, the relationship choices will also be distorted and warped by those priorities.
Part of getting the relationship back, will be having the right priorities in your life. “To love honor and cherish until death do us part” are not meaningless words unless you make them that way.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
denial of affairs, priorities and affairs, priorities and cheating, questions about affairs, Rebuilding the relationship
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