How to cope with a cheating spouse

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You may hear your spouse tell you that are innocent, that they are a victim! Although most of the time that such phrases are used, they are thrown out as excuses for what the cheater did. Although in a majority of cases, they are excuses, there are some situations where they are the victim. In the con-game world, a target person is often set up for accusations of cheating. In the con-game, the set up cheater is often lured into a compromising situation, then the trap is sprung. When the trap is sprung the secret of their cheating is often used against them in a blackmail manner.

There are also men and women who are drugged in their drinks and are victims of unscrupulous persons who exploit their situation. Although you may not want to consider this option, such things do still happen. There are ‘evil’ people who stoop to such ploys.

Besides the con-game folks, another type of person that looks for victims is the ‘litigant-crazed person’. These type look for lawsuits. They often have a history of initiating lawsuits. They truly are looking for victims that they can take to court on frivolous claims that will reward them with money.

One way to make sure a behavior continue is to reward it. In the case of litigant crazed persons, with the courts giving them rewards, they want more of that money from the courts. With that in mind, they look for opportunities for law suits. Their first response to most crises is “I’ll sue!”. These types are out there and on the prowl for innocent victims. These types often make claims of sexual attacks and affairs when none have occurred.

Your spouse may truly be a victim of one of these unscrupulous types. The test is to ask the question “Qui Bono?” (Who benefits). If your spouse does not benefit from the accusation of cheating, and someone else stand to gain monetarily from the accusation, you will want to consider that there is a set up.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

PS-I will be hosting a webinar on Steps to Regaining Control After an Affair on Wednesday, August 25th at 7:00pm CDT. You can register here for that webinar. Link.

con games and cheating, false reports of cheating, litigants

When you tell me“I am so frustrated!’ , it communicates more than you realize. That statement lets me know that at some level, you are either trying to control what is going on or you are struggling with the loss of control. Dealing with cheaters will put your face into the middle of many control issues. You may want to control where your spouse goes, who they talk to, how they spend their money, and how they respond to you. If you had that kind of control, you would have a trained circus animal rather than a spouse. They would be doing things because they are controlled, NOT because they love you or are doing things based on their moral values.

Seriously, what can you control in the situation with your spouse? At this moment you are doing good controlling your own anger and emotions without trying to control theirs as well. Yes, you can change some things through control and manipulation, which may bring your spouse back due to being ‘controlled’. You may want to rethink doing such things. If your marriage is going to work, you want them to return due to a commitment to you, a desire for you, and a love for you. Forcing them to return through control means that you have their body, but you do not have their heart.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

PS Jeff will be discussing his e-book, “How to Cope with a Cheating Spouse” in a tele-seminar interview on Tuesday, August 17th from 5-7:30pm EST. You can register for the call at this link.

Upon seeing your spouse you may be struck by something odd. He just does not seem to be himself. You notice that he is walking around in a daze, when you look at him, he is somewhere else. Yes, he is at the table with you, but his attention and his soul are somewhere else. At first, you may pass it off as him being tired, stressed or eccentric.

When it continues, you may begin wondering if something else is going on. He talks different and seems to have changed his values. As bizarre as it seems, you begin wondering “Is he brainwashed?” When those thoughts occur, you may dismiss them as ‘crazy talk’, but you can’t fully let go of them. Something is wrong, but your are not sure what it is.

Your assumption of brainwashing may be closer to reality than you thought. Cheaters often undergo changes. First the attention is redirected, then the emotions and finally the sexual union. Each of these changes are accompanied by changes in either the brain or the body.

When the attention is redirected, their mind shifts its resources to the new target. As part of that new target, their brains begin a rewiring process. When the emotions are redirected, the heart is redirected. The rewiring which began with the attention shift now intensifies. The intensity can be so strong as to over ride their will power. When they are in this state, they are susceptible to suggestions from the object of their attention and affection—their lover. The lover often molds and shapes the mind of the cheater. Some lovers do it accidentally, while others intentionally twist and turn their victims.

When sexual activity occurs, there is chemical bonding on top of the earlier emotional and attentional bonding. The chemicals released during orgasm often contribute to a restructuring of emotions and attention. The process of turning your spouse into their property is nearly complete. There has been a rewiring of their mind, heart and body. The rewiring has been reinforced and strengthened. As the old saying goes “a three fold cord is not easily broken”. The three fold cord is now working against you and your marriage.

So your question, “Is he brainwashed?” is a good one, although by the time you seriously investigate, it is too late to stop the restructuring of your spouse. Yes, he is brainwashed. He is also re-programmed. He may look the same on the outside, but his guidance system, morals, and desires have been changed.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

brainwashing, brainwashing and affairs, cheating and brainwashing