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Politicians and business hucksters have a knack for ‘relabeling’ and renaming items that have negative associations. Much like the Speaker of the House is renaming the ‘public option’ to the ‘competitive option’ in order to make it more palatable, the same kind of ‘renaming’ game is going in in Malaysia with the ‘polygamy club’. The club purports to want to improve the lives of women and make polygamy more acceptable. Here in Texas we used to call such clubs, “meat markets”.  Other terms include ’slut hut’ , bordellos, cathouse, or a knocking -shop. Granted names like this would make the operation look disreputable.  These days, one has to be alert to the ‘name games’ often played. A ‘gentleman’s club’ is filled with anything but gentlemen in the classic sense of the word. These places know that. In the Houston area, there was once notable men’s club who were known for having a selection of various charge plates used to prevent bosses and wives from identifying where their husband or employees actually spent their time.

If you suspect that your spouse is fooling around, be aware of the name game and how it is often used to hide the true nature of what is going on.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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I was astounded to read an article from Australia in which the author, Kaysar Trad actually advocated polygamy as a ‘cure’ for infidelity. Talk about “Hair of the Dog” mentality, such suggestions would worsen rather than improve the situation. Part of the damage done to the affair is in the area of trust. The way to repair that trust is NOT with more sexual promiscuity, but rather commitment and communication with one’s spouse. Having multiple relations only further alienates spouses. When I have dealt with ’swingers’ or manage a trois couples, they consistently report that the relationship worsened, with them feeling more distant from their spouse after that occurred.

I agree  with Kaysar’s observation that monogamy has its share of problems, but the solution is NOT more of what led up to the problem. Such wrong headed thinking is what often leads alcoholics to have a good stiff morning drink in order to overcome the hangover from the previous nights abuse of alcohol (referring to it as the ‘hair of the dog’). Such approaches do NOT work with alcohol addiction. They only make it worse. Likewise acting out sexually with other partners is not going to fix the damage from an affair. If anything it will open the door to increased likelihood of sexual addictions and all the problems that go with such behaviors.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and polygamy, affairs and sexual addiction, Affairs in the News, Australia, polygamy as a way to deal with cheating, Sexual addiction

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Although the entertainment industry had worked on making affairs look acceptable by taking the pain and shame out of affairs, the reality is far different than what is portrayed. The movies often show attractive people who manage to either ‘bounce back’ after an affair or manage to make the affair situation work. Either way, it does not work. Although in the movies, the stars find the love of their life in the midst of the affair, the movies don’t show the pain, and the ugliness that affairs bring.

The 90-minute escape does not provide the kind of time frame needed to convey the day-to-day pain and turmoil produced by the affair. Affairs are often emotional and filled with high-drama as people find ways to either express or deal with their pain. I recall once working with a woman who had been featured in a adult entertainment. Although in her prime, she was attractive and vivacious. The descriptions of her made is sound like she was ready for anything.  The reality of multiple relationships and promiscuity took on toll on her emotionally and psychologically.  The broken woman she became was tragic. Life for her was not like in the movies.

Although there are escort services who advertise that “Life is short”, having an affair is a sure way to make what life you have filled with pain, regret and misery. Ironically the ‘life is short’ excuse is used to justify many wrongs. If they were honest, it would read “Life is too short to mess up with an affair”.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adult entertainment and affairs, affairs and movies, Affairs in the News, Ashley Madison, life is short, Understanding Affairs

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Extramarital affairs are not the exclusive domain of movie stars. Nor are they the exclusive domain of politicians. Although the chatter in the twitterverse about Republicans paying for the extramarital affairs of many in leadership positions seems to be a hot topic today. The reality is that they can occur across party lines. They are not limited to a particular race, gender or political affiliation.

The thing about politicians is that they often believe that they are above the law. One of the laws that they often believe that they are above is the law of natural consequences. Having an affair often carries with it natural consequences. Some of those may include being ostracized, shame, being fired or being threatened. In some cases when the morals are way topsy-turvy, they may receive a promotion, job offer, land a key position or other rewards. The world of politics is very topsy-turvy and oriented toward control games. It is no surprise that sado-masochism is the main sexual deviation in centers of political power. The rewards are often misleading in that eventually they turn sour. The ugly side of extramarital relations come out. When that ugly side comes out, it may be emotional, physical or spiritual in its consequences. There will be consequences for those illegitimate pleasures.

In the celebrity world, those caught up with affairs also believe that it will either not matter or that they are so big, that no moral turpitude will  impact them. Indiscretions will find find you out either directly or indirectly with the celebrity having to deal with their spouse having indescretions.

Rather than having to be concerned about who finds out what, just say “No” to the temptations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and karma, Affairs in the News, celebrities and affairs, keeping secrets about affairs, republicans and affairs, Sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs

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In pondering the origin of affairs, there are some observations that I have made. It is common knowledge that infidelity and affairs are often the subject, it not the focus of material on television and the movies. Affairs are also all over the news. In an insane manner, we term the constant diet of infidelity “entertainment”.  We are being shown that such behavior is ‘normal’ , excusing the acts as ‘they can’t help it’.  With the consumption of so many hours of infidelity and cheating, is it any surprise that some people give in to the temptation?

The many hours of exposure to infidelity is not a new observation. I am not saying that watching it makes it happen either. What puzzled me was ‘how’ does viewing that many hours of infidelity impact a person? We know that it does impact, but not the mechanism of impact. What I observed was that viewing such material ‘desensitizes’ people. They are essentially numbed out to being sensitve to their spouses and relationship issues. While in a desensitized state, they make poor choices. Among the poor choices are either giving in to the urge, ignoring the warning signs of the affair, or just plan ignoring the needs of the spouse. While in a densensitized state, the person often begins looking at other men or women. Temptations and situations they would normally avoid, they find themselves in the middle of. Situations that decades ago only occurred in clubs, discos, honkytonks, juke joints and ice houses,  are now happening in the homes of nations around the world. Television and movies have crept into places where such ideas previously would not have been welcomed.  Perversion and disloyaly are now being accepted and tolerated, whereas in previous generations they would have been shunned and shamed.

The desensitization has brought with it numerous problems.Removing oneself from this mire is not easy, yet it is worth the effort.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

adultery in the movies, affairs, Affairs in the News, cheating, how adultery affects us, how viewing infidelity affects us, infidelity, infidelity in the movies, infidelity in the news, observations on affairs, Understanding Affairs

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With the recent disclosure of Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina having an affair, the media is looking at the topic again. Although some commentators view his situation as a possible “honey pot” situation where he was set up, the reality remains…he had an affair. He knew that his actions were wrong, otherwise he would not have been unavailable for a period of time. It is true that some affairs are set-ups or even police stings. Although such explanations may ease the pain, the reality remains…they either had or were willing to have an affair. Trying to justify one’s actions based on whether or not it is in the public eye only makes the poison go down smoother. The affair still does its damage. Those involved were being selfish SOB/bitches who were only thinking about themselves and not the consequences of their actions. They were thinking in terms of getting their rocks off, rather than what it would bring. Affairs always have consequences. The short-term immediate gratification mindset does not have room to consider the impact of their acts on parents, children, friends, reputation, or business. It is selfish self-gratification. Excuses like I was lonely, I was desperate, I could not resist, I wasn’t thinking, etc. are only attempts to make what happened palatable. No matter how palatable they make it, when the spouse and family members find out, they will still feel sick to their stomachs and want to throw up.

Does an affair make me a selfish SOB/bitch? YES with no reservations. It may be that you were only that way temporarily. Even if it was a temporary state, you did it. It will inflict damage on those around you. The emotional hand grenade youset off will not limit its damage to only the cheater. The damage hurts those closest to you.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs and selfishness, Affairs in the News, honeypot affairs, how cheaters think, infidelity and selfishness, mark stanford, selfishness and cheating, Understanding Affairs

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On reading a recent article that discusses Alec Bladwin’s initial reaction after a private voicemail recording was released and subsequent suicidal thoughts. He knew that the conversation would be used against him. In the aftermath of an affair, it is common for their to be suspicious thoughts and even paranoia. Such feelings worsen when there are any kind of legal proceedings filed. It is during such times that spouses are unsure of who to trust and who they can’t trust. During those times, spouses even become suspicious of their own children, family and friends. It is during such times that you need someone that you can talk with in an honest straightforward manner rather than keep the pain and uneasiness bottled up inside.

When legal proceedings are filed, it is as if you see a whole different woman or man than you thought you married. Phone calls and visits turn from innocuous conversations to potential material that may show up in court. When there is such an upheavel in close relationships, it is not clear who you can trust or what you can believe. One way to navigate through the confusion is to find friends who are honest with you and have your best interest at heart. Not someone who secretly wants your spouse behind your back or is only interested in your money, or wants to get you in the sack. You need people that are interested in helping you make the best choices, both in the short term and the long term. In some cases, you may need to develop not just one friendship, but a whole support network to help you through such times. You do not need someone who sides with you just to validate your perceptions, those kind of trained monkeys and parrots you can find at a pet store. You need a friend, who can tell you the truth and is not afraid of how you might react.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs in the News, alec baldwin, cheating and paranoia, cheating and suicide, paranoia after an affair, suicidal ideat after an affair, Understanding Affairs

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In everyday culture, a common phrase used when something is taken to the extremes is that it is “on steroids”. When an affair is taken to extremes, their is a “double life”. The most blatant example of a ‘double life’ is that of Brian Myerson, who maintained two households and even went on vacations with his ’second family’ and lover. After all the details came out, his marriage is now pending in a British divorce court. Brian was not only living large, his divorce is very large as well. Initially, the 50-year old was ordered to pay 11 million Pounds to his wife as part of the settlement.

The average person often does not have the funds to  maintain an extensive second life. Even though the average Joe or Jane does not have the funds, they often find themselves torn between two worlds. The world of their marriage and the one of the affair. Like an international business broker they shuttle between the two lives while trying to maintain their sanity in the process. Eventually such double lives are found out and it is never a pretty picture.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs in the News, Brian Myerson, cheating and double lives, divorce settlement for double lives, double lives and affairs, infidelity and double lives

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In any given week, there are multiple stories concerning adultery and affairs. This week Amy Winehouse and Elizabeth Edwards are both in the news concerning adultery. The pain of adultery is real. Money does not prevent it from occurring nor does it keep those touched by adultery away from the pain. Even when people in the media like Oprah are forbidden to mention the names of those illicit lovers, it does not keep the pain away.

The consequences of adultery are very real as well. In Iran, people are still stoned to death for it.  In Georgia the court considers adultery as serious enough to change a murder charge to voluntary manslaughter.Besides the external pain, there is also the internal pain. In a recent Australian case, Patrizia Rolls attempted suicide on discovering that her husband, Aaron Rolls was having an affair with Mirvat Slieman. What makes this case even more convoluted was that there is strong evidence that the husband and his lover were making plans to murder the wife.  The husband admitted to having several affairs and now the pain of the Rolls marriage is under public scrutiny. The pain associated with affairs rarely stays in bedrooms or offices. The pain has a way of making itself seen in public. It makes a spectacle of the the events.

One of the more tragic stories concerns a French woman named Karen Bach. She married a local DJ. When the couple was down on their finances, they decided to do porn together. Their relationship soon deteriorated, and adultery ran amok first with him and later with her. What started out small soon spun out of control. The husband left her. Several years later, she committed suicide in her Paris apartment.  Her suicide note simply stated “too painful“. Although some may say that such an account is ‘over the top’.  The sad truth is that many times spouses have talked their partners into ’swapping’ or porn which often turns into an ugly monster beyond what was ever imagined. When affairs and sexual addictions mix together the result is especially painful.

Not only is adultery painful, the ways it spins out of control with suicide, more affairs, illegitimate children, beatings, lies and murder. What starts off as a small pain, does not stay small.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Aaron Rolls, adultery in Gerogia, Affairs in the News, Australia and adultery, Elizabeth Edwards and adultery, Iran and adultery, Karen Bach and adultery, Oprah and adultery, Patrizia Rolls, Sexual addiction, swapping, swinging, Understanding Affairs

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Elizabeth Edwards’ book Resiliance, addresses her reaction to her celebrity husband’s affair. In the book, she describes her reactions to the affair. Among those reactions were throwing up. Throwing up is a common reaction to news of an affair. When people are forced to face threatening information, throwing up and nausea are common responses. Part of the reason for this has to do with having to ingest something that we find ‘unacceptable’.

It is normal to have such strong gastric reactions. Such reactions do not indicate you are weak or in error. It reaffirms that you are alive. It reaffirms that affairs are not acceptable. It affirms that the events that transpired are not emotionally palatable.Many clients have such gastric reactions whenever they think about the affair that occurred.

So if you throw up, don’t freak out. Throwing up is a common reaction in such situations.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

Affairs in the News, bodily reactions to affairs, bodily reactions to infidelity, elizabeth edwards reaction to an affair, John Edwards, Resiliance, Resources, Understanding Affairs

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