Archive Page 2
Some spouses actively seek their partner’s permission for an affair. Although some ask directly, others hold onto comments made in anger or frustration as verbal approval for their disloyalty. The catch is that once this cat is out of the bag, it is difficult to ever put it back. Once the boundaries of the marriage are broken, they are hard to re-establish. When a relationship rests solely on emotional commitment and loyalty without physical and spiritual commitment, the foundation of the relationship is damaged.
The other problem associated with permission affairs is the one dealing with conscience. If it was acceptable, why did you need permission in the first place? When you are disloyal, there is the accompanying guilt and remorse. I recognize that some people do not have the remorse, or remorseful feelings. Most people do and when they engage in behavior that is not acceptable, they often attempt to rationalize it. This is often done through a strange twisting of religion, sociology, philosophy and any other academic field that they can bend into supporting that adultery is an accepted behavior. Adultery is still disloyalty. Although some may claim that people were never made to be monogamous, emotional reality opposes that idea.
You can make agreements with your spouse that many kinds of behavior are acceptable and in turn use that agreement to silence your conscience, but that will still not make it right.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affairs, cheating, disloyalty in marriage, infidelity, marriage, open marriage, rationalizing an affair, UncategorizedIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
In dealing with an affair situation, finding the rights words and the right time to say them is often challenging. The best time to say them and the ideal time to say them are not the same. Even though you may have rehearsed what you are going to say several times over, it is usually best to speak from the heart rather than give a canned presentation. It is usually true that if it is rehearsed and prepared, that it is not genuine. You may want to rehearse things to fully comprehend what you are struggle with, but do not expect the exact words that you rehearsed to be the ones that come out of your mouth when it is time to speak up.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, honesty and infidelity, honesty and marriage, infidelity, marriage, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
There is a time, in the aftermath of an affair, when either through urges, frustration, temptation or just giving up that you consider having an affair yourself. Although it is tempting, you will need to resist the urge. This is one of those items that you will need to fast forward the tape and look at where it will get you in the LONG run rather than looking at the temporary relief you fantasize that it will bring. Such affairs are often more about revenge and emotional release than about relationship and love. This temptation will come, but it will pass if you refuse to give into the urge.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affair, cheating, cheating cheat back, dealing with feelings, marriage, Rebuilding the relationship, relationship, resisting the urge to cheat, temptationIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
As children, when we were ill, it was common that our mothers often gave us some awful tasting medicine. Although you hated the taste, it helped with the healing process. In a similar manner, there are things that have to be realized in dealing with affairs. On another site, where I have several pages dealing with affairs, a reader asked, “What is the medicine, however bitter, that we have to swallow to effect healing?”
That question led me to consider the matter. The answer, when dealing with affairs is often taking an honest look at how oneself contributed to the situation either directly or indirectly. Many people either do not want to look or cannot honestly look at the role they played in the situation. Anxiety and guilt often keep people from taking that honest look at themselves. When in pain, it is easier to focus on others and assume a position of self-pity rather than to take that honest look.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
accepting responsibility in relationships, adultery, affairs, cheating, healing from infidelity, infidelity, marriage, relationships, Uncategorized, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
The affair has come and gone and you and your spouse are recovering from its effects. Any major change in our lives requires time to adjust to it. As human beings, we are blessed (or maybe cursed) with memories. Some people are better at remembering than others. Memories may be good or bad but they remain in our minds for long times.
Usually, the memories with intense emotions are the ones that are remembered more frequently. The same is true with an affair. Because the impact of an affair is far reaching, it is often very difficult to forget about the affair. You can not change the affair, but you can alter the meanings associated with it.
The past will need to be put behind you. To heal the marriage, focus on the future and the present. Work towards rebuilding your marriage in the present, and look to the future with hope because the future is bright for both of you if you rebuild your marriage and work it out.
Before you can effectively close the chapter of the affair, you have to openly discuss what happened and what you have learned as a result of the affair and what each of you need from each other. This way, you can let go of the hold of the past. You can create a future with hope and face that future together.
adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, marriage, relationships, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Surviving an affair may feel like becoming a survivor of a war. You and your spouse may feel battered, uncertain, anxious and afraid of what’s going to happen with your marriage. Depending on the two of you, however, you can rebuild your marriage and discover that there is life after an affair. The experience may take longer if there has been physical abuse on top of the affair.
You both need to understand that there are things you cannot change such as the reality that the affair occurred. You can not go back into the past. Although you want things like they were, you can not go back there. The relationship can be repaired and intimacy restored, yet that is not the same as going back to the way you were. There is no time machine nor amnesia-inducing drug that could make you forget the affair. It is a scar that will remind you of its presence. More importantly, though, there are things that you can change. There is hope for your marriage if you and your spouse are willing to work it out and you affirm your love for each other.
Rebuild the trust between the two of you. This is not an easy undertaking. Trust is a very fragile thing. Once given and broken, it is very difficult to restore. But difficult does not mean impossible. The only way for trust to be given is to show that you are worthy of such trust. Keep your promises and be true to your word. When you start living up to your word, your spouse will take notice and will start giving you her trust again.
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Part of the pain involved with coming to grips with affair is the realization that you’ve actually had an affair and that you’ve hurt your spouse deeply. But remember that your spouse, who is also the victim, has been hurt so deeply that reconciliation is only possible with the greatest pains and efforts from you. It will take effort from the both of you to reconcile. Take heart, if your love is true, you will be willing to go through such pains to rebuild your marriage.
As you rebuild your marriage, you should help your spouse recover from the affair. Bear in mind that the few weeks and months after the affair are crucial moments for you and your spouse. Depending on your actions during this period, the recovery period of your spouse may become longer or shorter.
You can help your spouse recover more if you will show her respect and love during the recovery period. By being sensitive to your spouse’s feelings, you can show that she is important to you and that you value her greatly as a person and as a beloved. On the other hand, if you ignore your spouse because you are defensive and you are brooding on your mistake, then the recovery period might go longer. In worst cases, reconciliation might even become impossible.
Help your spouse recover from the affair and you will be able to rebuild your marriage.
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After an affair, one argument for couples to stay together is “for the sake of the kids”. This notion is filled with problems. When the children are the reason for a couple staying together, they feel the pressure. They feel like their parents relationship is depending on them and how they behave. It places inhuman pressures on children.
It is responsible to consider the welfare of your kids. If that is the only reason for you and your spouse to stay together after an affair, you are creating problems for yourself.
Staying in “it” for the children, means that you have given up on each other and you will be moving towards mutual dislike and that worsens daily. It will also place undue focus on the children, leading in many cases to spoiled children. When you decide to stay together, mean it. If you really don’t want to be with your spouse they will sense it. They will know if you are patronizing them.
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Time off is a good way to rethink about your life and make an honest assessment of where you are in life now. Given the busy lifestyle that you have, it might be a little difficult to take a time off. Yet, if an affair recently rocked your life, you have no choice but to give yourself a break. Why?
For one, you need to assess your emotions and take a look at what happened. You are hurt whether you admit it or not. Hurts and wounds need time to heal, whether physical or emotional. There is nothing wrong with that. If you are angry, let it out! If you want to cry, do so. You will need to be honest with yourself about what happened and what you are feeling. Do not try to escape the feelings by starting other relationships. Find out what is going on with you before creating another mess. Be honest with yourself, it is folly to appear unperturbed when you are bleeding inside. That would only cause the wound to cut deeper and alienate yourself from your own feelings.
When you do take a break, you might want to go on a vacation for a few days. Use these three days to think about how you can proceed with your life. It helps if you could write about your emotions and your plans for you not to forget them. This also gives you an opportunity to refine your plans as you talk with your spouse after your hiatus.
More importantly, you also need to think about your marriage and how you could rebuild it. This way, you can get over the affair and start reaffirming your love for each other.
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Your heart and your mind might be screaming these sentiments because of an affair that rocked your marriage recently. True enough, you have to let out your sentiments, your rage, and your anger, instead of letting them become bottled up and unexpressed. But after your bout of expression, stop for awhile and think about the situation. Forgiveness sounds crazy and illogical. Since forgiveness involves emotions, it does not always follow the same rules as logic and rational thinking.
There is a funny quip about forgiveness, saying “forgive your enemies but remember their names.” It might be a little funny but it also makes sense. This is especially true for infidelity. You need to forgive, yet not turn a blind eye to the fact that it happened. Ignoring what happened is NOT forgiveness. The affair occurred, there’s no mistaking it. You can’t change the past, and you can’t erase it from your memory. But you can be free from the clutches of bitterness and rage. Such negative emotions can only lead you on a downward spiral and depression. Forgiveness is about letting go of the desire for revenge, it is not about approving what was done.
Forgiving your spouse is a way to begin the healing of the relationship. Let go of revenge. Forgiveness does not erase everything. It does begin releasing emotions that are important for the healing process.
Once you begin forgiving them, then begin forgiving yourself. As you do, you’ll find out that the person who will benefit most from such forgiveness is yourself. Freeing yourself is one reason for forgiveness, another would be your love for your spouse. Although the affair happened, the love you harbor for each other are still there and with forgiveness, you can start anew.
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