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Surviving an affair may feel like becoming a survivor of a war. You and your spouse may feel battered, uncertain, anxious and afraid of what’s going to happen with your marriage. Depending on the two of you, however, you can rebuild your marriage and discover that there is life after an affair. The experience may take longer if there has been physical abuse on top of the affair.

 

You both need to understand that there are things you cannot change such as the reality that the affair occurred. You can not go back into the past. Although you want things like they were, you can not go back there. The relationship can be repaired and intimacy restored, yet that is not the same as going back to the way you were. There is no time machine nor amnesia-inducing drug that could make you forget the affair. It is a scar that will remind you of its presence.  More importantly, though, there are things that you can change. There is hope for your marriage if you and your spouse are willing to work it out and you affirm your love for each other.

 

Rebuild the trust between the two of you. This is not an easy undertaking. Trust is a very fragile thing. Once given and broken, it is very difficult to restore. But difficult does not mean impossible. The only way for trust to be given is to show that you are worthy of such trust. Keep your promises and be true to your word. When you start living up to your word, your spouse will take notice and will start giving you her trust again.

adultery, affairs, cheating, infidelity, marriage, marriage counseling, relationship, Understanding Affairs

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Take away every single thing that may remind you of your spouse of the occurrence of the affair you may had. It might as simple as a scarf or an article of clothing that reminds your spouse of the affair or removing numbers from your cellphone. Such items trigger her memory of the affair and might make it a little difficult for her to move on. You should be sensitive and be alert for any kind of thing that will make your spouse remember the affair.

 

If it is a mobile phone, you may need to go so far as to discard it and get a new one. When you change your phone number, your spouse will also realize that you do not want the third party to get in touch with you again. Take advantage of simple things like this and your marriage will be rebuilt more quickly.

 

You may need to change e-mail addresses or online identities as well.

 

Affirm your love for your spouse by spending time with her and affirming her that you love her in spite of what happened. Avoid hanging out with singles that are attractive and gorgeous even though you might not have the intention of pursuing more-than-friendship relationships with them. These kinds of associations may start an undesirable mode of thinking on the part of your spouse. You better behave well so that your marriage can be rebuilt.

adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, relationship, Understanding Affairs

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In order for you to rebuild your marriage after the affair, you should assume responsibility for your actions. Rather than making excuses, accept responsibility. You will not reap any benefits by saying that your wife is no longer the same person you know or that she rarely connects with you anymore. Accept responsibility for your part in what has happened, ask for forgiveness and start rebuilding your marriage.

 

If you withdrew from them-admit it!

 

If you are holding a grudge-admit it!

 

If you avoid them-admit it!

 

In order to rebuild trust you will need to stop lying Start accepting responsibility and show that you can be trusted. This is the surest way for you to become trustworthy. Keep in mind that your spouse is wary now and the trust given you is very fragile and temporary unless you show that you are trustworthy. If you continue to lie, you will be found out and that will be more painful for your spouse.

 

Cut all connections with the person you had an affair with. Making excuses to prolong the relationship with your paramour only prolongs the pain. By severing the connections, you show that you are sincere in rebuilding your marriage. Not only would you get the trust of your spouse but you also build an inner integrity, which is very important in your character. As evidence that you have cut off your connections with the third party, answer the questions of your spouse truthfully each time she asks.

 

Be present at home. When your spouse and your kids see you at home most of the time, they will know that you care for them and that you are no longer being drawn away by the third party. Go on and rebuild your marriage and your life, too.

 

adultery, affair, infidelity, paramour, relationship, Understanding Affairs

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Some spouses react with anger when their partner just looks at the contents of their cell phone. In this situation from China, a spurned wife burned the 400 cell phones in their business. If you think it was an invasion of privacy when your wife checked your cell phone, keep in mind that it could have been worse, MUCH worse, as Mr. Wang discovered.

Since cell phones are often an important part of affairs, this story resonates with many people.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

affairs, Affairs in the News, angry wife, cellphones, China, relationship

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Trust seems to be a very complex thing. Numerous efforts have been undertaken in order for people to understand trust more effectively. Even if there are hundreds of these theories available in the academe, going through broken trust, especially in the context of marriage is very difficult.

 

At the first stages of relationship, trust is calculus-based. This means that a person will try to anticipate the behavior of the other person and based on that anticipation and calculation, the person will determine which level of trust will be given to another person.

 

This calculation and anticipation is also accompanied by rewards or punishments depending on the kind of behavior being anticipated. If the person being trusted shows consistently that he is trustworthy, then trust will be enhanced and the relationship will progress and will become better.

 

In a manner of speaking, this kind of trust is based on a cost and benefits analysis. If the benefits outweigh the costs, then trust will more likely be given.

 

If your marriage has been rocked by a recent bout of an affair, then your relationship with your spouse will be based on a calculus-based kind of trust. If you were to rebuild your trust with your spouse, you both need to work things out so that you will be able to go beyond this kind of trust and enhance your relationship.

adultery, affair, infidelity, marriage, relationship, trust, Understanding Affairs

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Love is always mentioned in pop love songs, in movies, in novels and short stories as well as in the lives of the people around us. Yet, it seems that for some people, love does not last long. Without a healthy level of trust, romance will not flourish and doubts and problems will arise.

If you have recently survived an affair, you need to deal with your hurt. The good thing, however, is that you can decide for yourself to go beyond what you have gone through. You should have a deep talk with your partner and assess how you can work things out.

Remember that love does not grow very easily; you should be able to make sacrifices. If you make sacrifices, however, you also expect the same thing from your partner. Unconditional love rarely exists in this world and your partner should also display the same level of commitment in rebuilding your marriage. Without this level of commitment, your marriage would not be rebuilt.

Trust is always necessary in ensuring that your marriage will once again become better. Rebuilding your trust is also anchored in the romance that you both enjoy. When you cultivate the love between you and your spouse, you can be sure to take the road to healing on a faster route. Go out on dates again and live a life of love. Before long, you will be able to feel the love and the trust between you returning.

adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, relationship, trust, Understanding Affairs

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Going through an affair and surviving it is a lot like having your house blown by tornado. It is very difficult to rebuild, it is very difficult to know where to stay and how to pick up the pieces again. In this regard, you cannot go through it just by yourself.

There are people who have gone through an affair and try to rebuild their lives by getting a divorce; getting depressed or even becoming dependent on substance and other addictive activities. This is not the way to rebuild your life!

Rebuilding your life is done by rebuilding your trust with your spouse. You need to take the bricks of time and forgiveness and cement it with commitment and a willingness to work things out. When you affirm your commitment and your love with each other, nothing would be impossible. In cases where you feel depressed and lost, you can find comfort in love and hope.

Love is just like the building of a home. It might be blown away by different trials and difficulties in life but if you are willing to work it out and remember your love, you can rebuild what has been lost.

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One of the questions that arises in dealing with affairs is that of denial. I have written about whether one is dealing with denial or lying on my hub page. The aspect of denial that I will address today is how strong can denial be? There are many levels of denial. At it’s strongest, denial can distort reality. Since the person is not aware they are distorting matters, they do not consider it lying. Since affairs often involve behavior that is unacceptable to the adulterer, there may be a total denial of what occurred. In such cases, they will need to be confronted with hard evidence of their actions. Although long term psychotherapy can break through some some denial, the time required is often more that is available.

When you are dealing with denial, the adulterer may even see the hard evidence and claim that it is someone else. Since they sincerely believe that it was not them, they will be convincing. It is possible that the recent Roger Clemens story is a case of denial as well.

There are also cases where there is a partial denial. This occurs where the adulterer does not recall portions of what they did. It is as if there are portions of their memory wiped clean rather than recollection of the whole matter. There may be denial concerning the facts, their emotions or their thinking. Since many adulterers often go into a trance-like state during the affair, they often do not recall the full details of what they did and said. It may be years before they recall fully what they were a part of.

There are often tell tale signs of lying. These can include poor eye contact, avoidance of the issues, scratching or rubbing the nose. It is my assumption that you know your spouse well enough to know their unique tell tale signals. If you do not know when they are lying, then that is an area needing improvement.
To sum it up, denial can be so strong it denies reality. It can be full or partial. Denial and lying are two distinctly different things that each require a different way of dealing with them.

Best Regards,

J Murrah

affairs, cheating, denial, infidelity, lying, philandering, relationship, Understanding Affairs

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