Archive Page 2
In dealing with the subject of surviving infidelity an issue needing attention is that of traumatic bonds. Traumatic bonding occurs when a person develops an attachment to people who are dangerous to themselves. Within an affair situation, traumatic bonding can occur between the infidel and their paramour or between the spouses. When such bonding occurs, the ‘victim’ remains in the relationship which may be damaging on a physical or emotional level. In many ways, they may experience a type of helplessness that keeps them locked into that role. To illustrate this situation, one study found that a woman in such a situation was assaulted 35 times before she called the police. Forgiving people for saying mean things is one thing, but to allow assaultive behavior to continue that long before taking action indicates that there is something wrong with the situation. This may sound extreme, but when people are caught up in a traumatic bond situation, this kind of extreme behavior is what they are used to.
This kind of bonding is a foundational element of sexual addictions and contributes to marital instability. Staying in such situations is maladaptive. The victim may sincerely believe they are coping with the situation by staying in the abusive relationship, which produces what some researches call “crazy-making” behavior.
If you are caught in a situation like this, begin setting boundaries. These are essential for your survival and the survival of your family members. Even if you start out small, begin setting them. It is also important to respect yourself. As part of respecting yourself, do not allow yourself to be put in the victim role again. It may take time to change the situation, but ignoring it will only serve to allow it to continue.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, affairs, cheating, infidelity, marriage, marriage counseling, relationships, Sexual addiction, traumatic bonds, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Wow! That was my reaction to this article in the student oriented press (Can Hillary Care Cure Infidelity?). The author John Lillpop poses the question of whether Hillary’s healthcare plans will include ways to deal with sexual addiction. Given that the Presidential candidate has had to struggle with a sexual addiction in her own home, it is a pertinent issue and one that impacts many American homes. Although the election season has addressed questions of infidelity, no one has addressed the pressing question of sexual addiction or its treatment. Many affairs have a sexual addiction at their core. If the addictions are not addressed, then one affair will lead to a series of affairs, and the problem will continue.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, Affairs in the News, Hillary Clinton, infidelilty, John Lillpop, sexual addicition, Sexual addiction, Student Oriented PressIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Talk about a shock. A husband in Warsaw, Poland decided to visit the local brothel, which was not a good move, but which led to more surprises. On his visit to the brothel, he discovered that his wife was among the ladies providing services. The incident led the couple to seek a divorce after 14 years of marriage. This was an extreme case of infidelity on the part of both spouses. The wife claims she was doing it to earn some extra money. Infidelity has some ironic twists when things finally come out.
Something was obviously missing from their marriage for him to visit the brothel in the first place.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
adultery, Affairs in the News, brothel, cheating, infideldity, Sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs, Warsaw PolandIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
A new book, Write It When I’m Gone: Remarkable Off-the-Record Conversations with Gerald R. Ford , deals with Gerald Ford and his concerns. Among them was that Bill Clinton needed help with his sex addiction problems. Gerald Ford was a man who had lived with a wife who suffered and addiction problem, so I am sure he can identify the signs when he sees them. The surprising news is that with greater frequency the issue of sexual addiction is receiving attention. Such a revelation is enlightening. Having worked with addictions, the spouse of the addict is often even more unhealthy than the addict. In couples where addictions are present, there are many games played to avoid dealing with the real issues. Each party dances around what is actually occurring. Although Ford’s comments bring Bill Clinton’s addiction into the public eye, it also exposes his wife’s issues as the wife of an addict.
Sexual addiction is real and can be a major factor in affair situations.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Bill Clintons sexual addiction, Hillary Clinton, Resources, Sexual addiction, spouse of sexual addict, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Here is a story regarding a pastor in Alabama who died during some unusual sexual practices. The pastor, Rev. Gary Aldridge was found dead in his home. He had been hogtied and was wearing two wet suits. The congregation asked its members not to speculate on his demise. From the perspective of a counselor, such practices are outside of the bounds of traditional sexual behaviors, and strongly suggests infidelity to the values associated with traditional marriage. What is clear is that when people operate outside of the normal limits, there are dangers.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs in the News, Sexual addictionIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Some of the information coming out from treatment research shows that money and success does not make one immune to affairs or sexual addictions. Among business leaders in treatment, for sexual addictions, 32% had businesses making over $100 million and 80% earned over 6 figures of income a year. Oddly enough, the CEO’s and business people tended to use prostitutes as their behavior of choice. This tells me that money and success do not equate to successful relationships. If anything it looks like depending on the vocation, there are unique problems within each field.
One that surprised me is that 54% of MD’s that were in trouble for sexual misconduct had sexual addiction problems. Marital problems have a way of spilling over into other areas once sex is involved.
So if you find yourself in the financially successful category, it does not make you immune from infidelity or sexual addictions, in some ways it increases the risks involved.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affairs, bussiness success and infidelity, infidelity, physicians and sexual addiction, prostitution, Sexual addiction, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
Those of you reading may wonder, “What is an Anterior Cingulate?”. The anterior cingulate is a part of the brain. This area operates much like a gear shift when decisions are made. This area of the brain often craves novelty. With the new technologies of brain scans, the issues that people used to speculate about are now becoming clearer. One of these is that with problems related to poor self-control and addictive behavior, this part of the brain is involved. What this means is that one of the factors that often lead to affairs is a desire for novelty. The adulterer is often looking for something new. That searching for something new does not make what they are doing acceptable, it is only a matter that it is now being understood better. The adulterer is still making the choice of seeking novelty rather than working through and facing whatever it is that is missing in the marriage. The anterior cingulate may help you understand what is behind their behavior. They will still have to be responsible for the choice of seeking novelty rather than facing the relationship and working through what is missing or keeping novelty from existing in your current marriage.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, anterior cingulate and affairs, impulsive behavior, infidelity, Sexual addiction, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
A new autobiographic account is being released. The book, “Wall Street Wolf” by Jordan Belfort documents the life of an infidel and sexual addict. The account will show how the addiction spread to other areas of the main characters’ life, destroying his reputation, marriage and finances. Since it is based on a true story, there will likely be some helpful anecdotes and insights into the mind of such persons. I have my concerns about Hollywood making a movie out of it. They tend to glamorize such people and make it look attractive, when in reality the ugliness about it teaches us lessons about life.
adultery, Affairs in the News, cheating, infidelity, Jordan Belfort, Sexual addiction, Understanding Affairs, Wall Street WolfIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
When someone is having an affair, the acting out part is easy to determine. The resolute spouse can see and find evidence of that part of the affair. When there is no acting out, the spouse assumes all is fine and the problem is over. In some cases, this may be true.
In situations where there are compulsive affairs or a sexual addiction, all is not well, even when there is no acting out. In such cases, there is a cycle that is often being followed. The cycle alternates between being in ‘extreme control’ and ‘being out of control’. When the cycle swings in the direction of control, there is ‘acting in’. This involves the mental fantasizing and planning associated with affairs. On the outside, things look ‘normal’, but inside the infidel, there is a lot of activity. At this phase, the activity consists of mental role playing and fantasizing. This is part of the affair cycle and needs to be addressed if you hope to restore intimacy between you and your spouse. Knowing and recognizing the cycles or the extremes is key in overcoming the problems.
Extreme Control behavior <—> Being Out of Control
This is where knowing your spouse’s thinking, as well as their behavior is important. You need to know what they need and how they go about meeting and even asking for their needs to be met. If all you do is focus on when they are out of control, you are missing the whole picture.
Best Regards,
Jeffrey Murrah
acting out, adultery, cheating, infidelity, Sexual addiction, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
There was an old song that described how for every up there is a down, and for every high there is a low. In relationships there are also these pairings. In relationships where there is a sex addict, there is the counter part known as the sexual co-addict. Although I have mentioned some about the sex addict, the sexual co-addict also has some significant issues that also need mentioning. Although the sex addict is obsessed and acts compulsively regarding sex, the sexual co-addict is often obsessed with the relationship itself. They have often let themselves be used and abused sexually for the sake of keeping the relationship going. They have tolerated a lot of weirdness just for the sake of attention. I suspect that a lot of the swinging situations that I mentioned in a previous post are likely co sex addicts that just go along to keep the relationship going.
When the time comes that you decide to get your marriage healthy, both the addict and the co-addict need help. They will each need to get honest about their issues, behaviors and needs. When things have slid into addiction, the bonding between the two spouses is often more the ‘traumatic bonding’ rather one based on intimacy. In traumatic bonding, the two people are close because they have shared some dangerous situations or situations that are dangerous for them, either physically, emotionally or spiritually. Such a bonding situation is not healthy. If you are the co-addict, you owe it to yourself and your marriage to get help and get healthy.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, affair, cheating, infidelity, marriage, Sexual addiction, sexual co addiction, traumatic bonding, Understanding AffairsIf you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!
