Dealing with a cheating spouse?

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Recommended Resources

March 31, 2007 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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When it comes to resources for dealing with affairs, there are several that I recommend. The first is the educational program called “Affair Triage” available at www.surviveyourpartnersaffair.com . This program includes the topics and instruction that I often share with clients going through such problems. It provides the instruction and direction that will help you know what to do and what serious mistakes to avoid.

Other books I find helpful are “If Only He Knew” and “For Better or Best” by Gary Smalley. “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley is also a good one to consider. It can be be found at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/  .  These are general books that often address some of the basic needs. There are times that more serious issues arise. I address these on a case by case basis. In the event of serious sexual addictions are present, “Out of the Darkness” by Patrick Carnes is one of the best for such issues. He also has some newer books out that deal with internet related concern.

These are a good place to start. Each affair and the issues related to it are different. Although people often want a magic skeleton key that will address all their issues, I have not found one. The affair is about how people responded to a situation in order to meet their needs (either real or perceived) . The work involved in discovering and addressing those needs are part of the work couples need to address in responding to their affair. Although lawyers, private investigators and some pastors equate affairs with divorce, that is not based on Biblical teaching. Affairs do not have to mean divorce.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Filed Under: Resources

Deceit and Fantasy in Affairs

March 31, 2007 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Although fantasy often plays a large part in many affairs (flings, adultery, sleeping around, etc.) , it is dangerous to confuse fantasy with deceit. In these days of virtual reality, there always seems to be someone who is willing to allow us to ‘live out’ our fantasy. Although fantasies can be very intense experiences, when one begins believing the fantasy them self, they have slipped into the realm of deceit. In everyday talk, they begin believing their own lies.

The theologian Oswald Chambers once said “It is one thing to deceive other people, but you have to get up very early to take in God!” . As Christians, we know that He is never deceived, and that there is accountability. An adulterous spouse may pride themselves on how well they hide the evidence of activity, yet the truth will eventually come out. Each of us has to face the person in the mirror and will one day face our maker. Although the acceptance of various behaviors may change in society, they do not change with God. The recovery community has learned a great deal about deceit in dealing with addictions. One of the nuggets of wisdom they have dug up is the saying, “You’re as sick as your secrets”.

In working with people, I have seen how powerful secrets can be. Secrets can imprison someone in an emotional torture chamber. These secrets are often hard to live with. In working with affair situations, secrets are often a challenging matter. When too much information is shared with the resolute spouse, forgiveness can be difficult. Keeping all the secrets inside is also difficult. These situations are ones where it is invaluable to work with someone who has experience in dealing with such challenging situations. Such situations often have to be considered on a case by case basis in order to discern the best course of action. If revealing a secret can endanger someone’s life, it is always best to err in the direction of keeping the details secret. Since the emotions run high, affairs are often dangerous, if not life-threatening.

Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Filed Under: Understanding Affairs

Affairs-What is the truth?

March 30, 2007 By Jeff Murrah 1 Comment

Since the lifeblood of an affair is fantasy, there are many challenges to overcome in reaching ‘the truth’ .  In seeking an answer for ‘the truth’,  I have spent years studying and working with couples going through the crisis of an affair. What I hope to do with this blog is to help the readers survive and overcome an affair.  The intended audience is that of Christian couples, although the insights and truths provided would be helpful to anyone struggling with an affair situation.

One of the observations I have made is that statistics concerning affairs and their frequency must be viewed with caution.  When surveys are taken by adult, glamor-oriented or pro-affair oriented publications, the results are likely biased. Such publications often conduct surveys of their reading public, which often condone such behaviors. Some societies even condone affair behavior(http://uncivillitigator.blogspot.com/2005/02/french-and-infidelity.html.) Bearing these things in mind, before you make a judgment about whether or not you are abnormal in your thinking, remember where the information is coming from.

It is also important to consider the old Latin saying “Cui Bono?” (Who Benefits?). Many of those parties that benefit from divorce or digging up dirt (private investigators) on your partner will provide information that often feeds into one’s fears. Dealing with an affair requires making decisions from a moral and courageous foundation, not one based on fear.

It is also important to realize that both partners are often not thinking clearly when in the midst of an affair. Whether or not tangible evidence exists, if there has been a disruption or violation of trust, there are problems that need attention. Oftentimes the emotional reality of the situation is suspected and known before the factual reality manifests itself.

As the blog develops over time, I will explore the many facets of affairs for both the adulterate and resolute spouse. I welcome your questions and suggestions.

Regards,

Jeff

Filed Under: Uncategorized