How to cope with a cheating spouse

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This is a difficult and challenging question. The answer is often not a pleasant one. What I can tell you is that the statistics indicate that 80% of the time, the adulterer does not marry the person that they had the affair with. Another set of statistics is that many affairs last only about 18 months.  If these statistics are accurate, in a majority of cases, time in on your side for sticking it out. This is not a guarantee that your spouse will return to you. It only shows that that the wayward spouse is not likely to marry the other person and that things will likely play out within 18 months. In many cases, the numbers are on your side. You have better odds than most people are willing to gamble their fortunes on.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

One of the early actions that damage a marriage, is that of withdrawing. When one spouse withdraws, the other often reacts to it.  When this happens, the spouses often feel like they are going through the motions of a relationship, yet their heart is not in it. In order to make things work, the hearts of both spouses will need to be in the relationship. When both of your hearts are in the relationship, you will find yourself actually looking forward to talking with you spouse instead of dreading or avoid it. When both parties are fully engaged, you mind will not be wandering off onto other subject or people. There is a principle here that you will get out of the relationship what you put into it. As you work on engaging more, you will find that you will enjoy it more. When you withdraw, you will likely find that you are enjoying you spouse less than you did at a previous time.

If you have withdrawn yourself, repairing the relationship requires that you re-engage in the relationship. Although you spouse may question your motives for doing so. if they discern that you truly are seeking to re-engage without alternative purposes, you will find that there is a new enjoyment in the relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

Although revenge sounds like something that will reduce the tension, it like divorce creates more problems than it solves. When people honestly look at their motivations for their behaviors in the aftermath of an affair, many actions are driven by revenge pure and simple. Divorce, paybacks, compensating affairs, pilfering property and destruction of property are all manifestations of revenge.  If you do exercise the revenge  feelings, what will they accomplish. You may feel relieved for having done something to inflict pain, but what has it accomplished other than bringing yo some selfish relief and inflicting pain? Consider the question, “Will this help?”. If what you are planning to do will not help the situation, it is not something that you will be in you best interest or in the best interest of your marriage. “Will it help the marriage?” If it does not help the marriage, it is likely to be destructive to the marriage. If you are seeking to recover from the affair, destructive acts are something that you want to avoid.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

In responding to affairs, people look for solutions. The major solution that is often presented to couples is that of divorce. Divorce as an options does not work through anything, other than the two lawyers trying to better each other. If you are not interested in what the Bible says regarding adultery, then divorce is not a problematic solution for you. If on the other hand, you are genuinely seeking Biblical answers to your dilemma, then read on.

Divorce shows the world how big and how real out God is to us. The divorce option reveals that although we talk about God being big, in reality he is very small and of limited power in our lives. Sadly, in this microwave culture, many churches have been downsizing God in his ability to work in the lives of couples. Churches base their support for such wrong solutions on intentional misreading and misapplication of scripture regarding Jesus’ teaching on divorce. They confuse the words for “fornication” and “adultery”. These are two different concepts. Because the church has confused these terms, they have provided wrong understanding and wrong solutions to the problem of affairs. “Fornication” refers to incestuous marriages, sodomite marriages and betrothal (engagement) unfaithfulness. The term does not mean unfaithfulness withing the marriage, although some ministers have stretched the meaning of the word to justify it. When the terms are confused, then when the divorce card is played, clarity regarding who is the “innocent party” suddenly gets confused. This confusion is part of what makes divorces so painful. Although people may exercise their legal rights, they continue struggling with guilt related to violations of spiritual principles. No amount of legal or spiritual rationalizing will be able to satiate this kind of guilt.

Considering divorce as an option will also serve to weaken the bonds of your next marriage, as well as the marriages of those around you. Affairs weaken marriages and show them disrespect. Divorce utterly destroys marriages. This option not only weakens the marriage, it shows utter contempt for the institution. I believe in marriage. I believe that marriages need strengthening. I believe in restoring marriages and families. If I didn’t, I would not be in the helping area.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

I have still not decided whether money or fantasies are the life blood of affairs. Although I have discussed the role of fantasies, I have not fully addressed the issue of money. Affairs take money. Money for dates, gifts, entertainment, housing, etc. The more involved the affair, the more money it takes. If there is a pulse to check for affairs, it is money. When there is an affair underway, the flow of money will change.

If you see a sudden unexplained change in the flow of money, it may be worth investigating the source of that change. This is where you have to examine the facts, rather than take people at their word. Since lies and deceit are part of the ‘web of the affair’, you will have to examine the facts. Oftentimes the adulterous spouse has rehearsed and now comes across as sincere in their stories about what happened with the money. You might also want to check for gifts. If someone is on the prowl for your spouse, they may be purchasing jewelry or clothing items for them. One of the ploys used is for the ‘other person’ to purchase things claiming that the adulterers spouse often ignores their needs. They are trying to make the case that they can provide for their needs and wants better than the spouse can. The gifts serve as ‘tokens’ of their ability to do so. Those tokens are also reminders that keep the ‘other person’ on the adulterers mind.

If you are cleaning up from an affair, remove all the tokens, since they are reminders of the past. You will also want to keep a close eye on your spouse when they have money. Money without accountability is a temptation. Even pastors have succumbed to stealing when they have large amounts of money without accountability. When there are large amounts of money coupled with fantasies, trouble is on the way.

Best Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

In some cases, having an affair may be an indication of a sexual addiction. The dynamics of this type of affair is different that those where the spouse has violated their vows. They have still had an affair, although the drive and motivation behind their actions are different. With the sexual addiction, an affair is more akin to getting ‘a fix’ as opposed to seeking a new love in their life.

In surviving the sexual addiction, the adulterous spouse will likely need professional help. They need someone to hold them accountable and keep them honest. When spouses attempt this role, the overload of information is often too much for them. The more information they uncover, the more difficulty they experience in forgiving them. In the event that an addiction is present, it likely began before the marriage, so the affair is not so much about rejection of the resolute spouse as it is about fulfilling the addiction. This does not mean that this type of affair is acceptable, it just has something different driving what happens. In addictions, especially with sexual addictions, sex is connected more with control than love.

One of the unfortunate effects of the chemical sexual vitality provided by Viagra, Cialis, etc. is that people are ready for sexual activity irregardless of what their conscience tells them. In the past, a guilty conscience often prevented sexual acts from occurring. With the advent of such chemicals, previous psychosomatic checks and balances are overridden, allowing sexual activity without guilt-driven impairment. These kind of chemicals are extremely dangerous for sexual addicts since they allow unbridled opportunities for acting out.

In recovering from an affair, it will be important to understand what drove the affair, or what motivated them to consider such actions. If actions are not taken to address the root needs and motivations for the affair, then recovery will be limited. Dealing with sexual addictions can often be complicated and emotionally intense beyond that of other affairs. If you suspect that your spouse has a sexual addiction, it may be in your best interest to consult an addiction or mental health professional.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

When I mention the serial affair, many people give me a quizzical look. This is one of those items that few understand. I have seen serial affairs in two types. The first type is where the person has a series of affairs, one after another. The second type is where the person never ends the previous relationships that they have had in their life. In this second type, the resolute spouse feels like the spouse is having an affair, and the resolute spouse maintains their innocence. With the many divorces and the involvement of children, this kind of situation arises more common than expected. People often do not sever the previous relationships like they should. Although there is a lot of talk about ‘clean breaks’, those things rarely occur. Some spouses have ‘affairs’ by occasionally sleeping with their ex-spouse. They do not realize that when it is over, it is over.

Dealing with serial affairs is challenging, given the fractured relationships that divorce brings. Since people are people, those involved often have frayed, raw feelings from such an event. At times ex-spouses try to seduce them, or they drink too much, or for sentimental reasons, the two find themselves in compromising situations. It is nearly impossible to remove all possible temptations in such cases. The best preventative is to spend time talking with your spouse about their past. Try to understand their struggles. Learn to identify their weak points and needs. Pray for them to overcome those areas. Such talks are not about reliving the past, but rather to understand the struggles your spouse has been through and how they often dealt with those struggles. This is not about romanticizing the past or comparing yourself with the ex, it is about understanding what makes your spouse tick. When those areas are never discussed, they can function like a minefield that explodes at unknown times and places.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah