How to cope with a cheating spouse

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The affair has come and gone and you and your spouse are recovering from its effects. Any major change in our lives requires time to adjust to it. As human beings, we are blessed (or maybe cursed) with memories. Some people are better at remembering than others. Memories may be good or bad but they remain in our minds for long times.

Usually, the memories with intense emotions are the ones that are remembered more frequently. The same is true with an affair. Because the impact of an affair is far reaching, it is often very difficult to forget about the affair. You can not change the affair, but you can alter the meanings associated with it.

The past will need to be put behind you. To heal the marriage, focus on the future and the present. Work towards rebuilding your marriage in the present, and look to the future with hope because the future is bright for both of you if you rebuild your marriage and work it out.

Before you can effectively close the chapter of the affair, you have to openly discuss what happened and what you have learned as a result of the affair and what each of you need from each other. This way, you can let go of the hold of the past. You can create a future with hope and face that future together.

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Surviving an affair may feel like becoming a survivor of a war. You and your spouse may feel battered, uncertain, anxious and afraid of what’s going to happen with your marriage. Depending on the two of you, however, you can rebuild your marriage and discover that there is life after an affair. The experience may take longer if there has been physical abuse on top of the affair.

You both need to understand that there are things you cannot change such as the reality that the affair occurred. You can not go back into the past. Although you want things like they were, you can not go back there. The relationship can be repaired and intimacy restored, yet that is not the same as going back to the way you were. There is no time machine nor amnesia-inducing drug that could make you forget the affair. It is a scar that will remind you of its presence.  More importantly, though, there are things that you can change. There is hope for your marriage if you and your spouse are willing to work it out and you affirm your love for each other.

Rebuild the trust between the two of you. This is not an easy undertaking. Trust is a very fragile thing. Once given and broken, it is very difficult to restore. But difficult does not mean impossible. The only way for trust to be given is to show that you are worthy of such trust. Keep your promises and be true to your word. When you start living up to your word, your spouse will take notice and will start giving you her trust again.

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Part of the pain involved with coming to grips with affair is the realization that you’ve actually had an affair and that you’ve hurt your spouse deeply. But remember that your spouse, who is also the victim, has been hurt so deeply that reconciliation is only possible with the greatest pains and efforts from you. It will take effort from the both of you to reconcile. Take heart, if your love is true, you will be willing to go through such pains to rebuild your marriage.

As you rebuild your marriage, you should help your spouse recover from the affair. Bear in mind that the few weeks and months after the affair are crucial moments for you and your spouse. Depending on your actions during this period, the recovery period of your spouse may become longer or shorter.

You can help your spouse recover more if you will show her respect and love during the recovery period. By being sensitive to your spouse’s feelings, you can show that she is important to you and that you value her greatly as a person and as a beloved. On the other hand, if you ignore your spouse because you are defensive and you are brooding on your mistake, then the recovery period might go longer. In worst cases, reconciliation might even become impossible.

Help your spouse recover from the affair and you will be able to rebuild your marriage.

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Take away every single thing that may remind you of your spouse of the occurrence of the affair you may had. It might as simple as a scarf or an article of clothing that reminds your spouse of the affair or removing numbers from your cellphone. Such items trigger her memory of the affair and might make it a little difficult for her to move on. You should be sensitive and be alert for any kind of thing that will make your spouse remember the affair.

If it is a mobile phone, you may need to go so far as to discard it and get a new one. When you change your phone number, your spouse will also realize that you do not want the third party to get in touch with you again. Take advantage of simple things like this and your marriage will be rebuilt more quickly.

You may need to change e-mail addresses or online identities as well.

Affirm your love for your spouse by spending time with her and affirming her that you love her in spite of what happened. Avoid hanging out with singles that are attractive and gorgeous even though you might not have the intention of pursuing more-than-friendship relationships with them. These kinds of associations may start an undesirable mode of thinking on the part of your spouse. You better behave well so that your marriage can be rebuilt.

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After the affair that you had, your spouse felt cheated, betrayed, and lost in a sea of doubts and uncertainty. To rebuild your marriage, Your spouse will need to feel that they are the center of your world. Of course, this assumes that you have cut off all ties with the person you had an affair with.

As you rebuild your marriage, you should be completely open and honest with your spouse. This means that you are honest in answering their questions. More than that, you should also be willing to admit things that are quite uncomfortable for the two of you. Affairs do not happen in a vacuum. Affairs occur as the result of the actions, attitudes and emotions of each of you. Rather than hide what you are feeling as occurred prior to the affair, be honest. Such honesty and transparency will begin helping you both to rebuild your marriage. With such display of trustworthiness, you will prove your worth and the process of reconciliation becomes faster and easier. There will also need to be a commitment to the marriage. Rather than just talk, they will need to see that you want to see it work.

 Rather than asking, what is in your wallet, consider asking, “Who is at the center of your world?” Is it you or your spouse? If your spouse is the center of your world, how do you show it?

Expectations will need to be managed wisely. Do not dictate the length of time that your spouse will take to recover from the hurts and pain that she experienced. It might be a month or a year. Yet, by being patient, you show your sincerity in mending things and rebuilding your marriage.

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In order for you to rebuild your marriage after the affair, you should assume responsibility for your actions. Rather than making excuses, accept responsibility. You will not reap any benefits by saying that your wife is no longer the same person you know or that she rarely connects with you anymore. Accept responsibility for your part in what has happened, ask for forgiveness and start rebuilding your marriage.

If you withdrew from them-admit it!

If you are holding a grudge-admit it!

If you avoid them-admit it!

In order to rebuild trust you will need to stop lying Start accepting responsibility and show that you can be trusted. This is the surest way for you to become trustworthy. Keep in mind that your spouse is wary now and the trust given you is very fragile and temporary unless you show that you are trustworthy. If you continue to lie, you will be found out and that will be more painful for your spouse.

Cut all connections with the person you had an affair with. Making excuses to prolong the relationship with your paramour only prolongs the pain. By severing the connections, you show that you are sincere in rebuilding your marriage. Not only would you get the trust of your spouse but you also build an inner integrity, which is very important in your character. As evidence that you have cut off your connections with the third party, answer the questions of your spouse truthfully each time she asks.

Be present at home. When your spouse and your kids see you at home most of the time, they will know that you care for them and that you are no longer being drawn away by the third party. Go on and rebuild your marriage and your life, too.

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After an affair, one argument for couples to stay together is “for the sake of the kids”. This notion is filled with problems. When the children are the reason for a couple staying together, they feel the pressure. They feel like their parents relationship is depending on them and how they behave. It places inhuman pressures on children.

It is responsible to consider the welfare of your kids. If that is the only reason for you and your spouse to stay together after an affair, you are creating problems for yourself.

Staying in “it” for the children, means that you have given up on each other and you will be moving towards mutual dislike and that worsens daily. It will also place undue focus on the children, leading in many cases to spoiled children. When you decide to stay together, mean it. If you really don’t want to be with your spouse they will sense it. They will know if you are patronizing them.

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