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Is it Time for Marriage Counseling?

June 30, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

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Love is not all that matters in your relationship. Marriage needs commitment and hard work. Love makes everything all right. But you should be willing to do the “dirty work” and sweat it out. If you don’t, then there is a problem in your relationship.

 

An affair is sure to rock your marriage. Without true love, commitment and hope, you cannot mend your marriage. Yet, if you can mend your marriage and forego of the past, you love each other indeed!

 

Yet, there are times that the pain, the bitterness, and the hurt come back. When they do, your marriage is affected and even your well-being. If you continue in that state, your marriage might be in a very big problem.

 

Is it time then for marriage counseling?

 

When you find yourself asking this question, look at crucial aspects of your marriage and then decide if it is indeed time for marriage counseling. Just posing the questions indicates that you believe there is something worth saving.

 

You could not bring back the romance in your marriage. No matter what you do, you cannot seem to bring back the romance and the “magic” in your marriage. And because you cannot, you and your partner feel edgy and paranoid about the status of your marriage.

 

Although the affair is over, you constantly fight over the littlest thing. Sometimes, it is not the big things that lead to the disintegration of a marriage but the littlest things that add up day after day. When you constantly fight over petty things, then it means that you have some deep-set unresolved issues that have to be solved.

 

You keep bringing up the affair into your fights. This is perhaps the last straw for your decision. If you notice that the subject of the affair comes up every now and then, you know that you are far from okay.

 

When you notice these three things in your marriage, then you need to seek marriage counseling. This will help your marriage greatly.


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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship

Which came first the addiction or the affair?

June 29, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

I recently went to hear John Bradshaw speak. The nationally known author had plenty to say about affairs. as his talk focused on ‘rigorous honesty’.  He addressed his own affairs, and what he found to be motivating them. One of the points that I found of interest was that he mentioned his own sexual addiction existed prior to his alcoholism. I suspect as mental health people  and the recovery community begins exploring the issues behind affairs and substance abuse, they will find many cases  of sexual addiction. The sexual addiction does not make their actions more acceptable, it only provides better understanding behind their actions.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Filed Under: sexual addiction

The price of rigorous honesty

June 27, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Honesty, especially rigorous honesty is a challenge to achieve. Although it is a challenge, the rewards of such honesty is well worth the effort. One of the barriers that prevents couples from obtaining the healing and recovery from an affair or sexual addiction is the reluctance to have such honesty in the relationship.

In many cases people become comfortable living a lie. They even allow their spouses to believe the same lies thinking that if they are honest with them, then their spouse will leave them. The possibility of them leaving is always a risk. If the relationship is so fragile that honesty will cause them to leave, there are even more serious problems in the relationship that need attention. When you are marreid to someone, you want them to love you for who you are, not the image you project onto the wall or onto their lives. We all need genuine companionship, genuine connection with our spouses. This is not possible if you are still living a lie.

The truth may hurt, but living a lie hurts worse than the truth. There may be peace with the lie, but at what cost? What have you sacrificed to obtain a peace based on lies?

If you want such honesty, the time to begin is now. It may start with little things, but eventually you will arrive if you continue living honestly. Living one lie, will lead to more lies and even greater lies, until you find that you have lost your own self.

Honesty is worth the effort.

Regards,

Jeffrey Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, sexual addiction

New #1 sign of cheating

June 25, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

As technology changes, the main indicator of cheating or infidelity changes as well. According to family lawyers in Britain, the #1 sign of infidelity is now ‘excessive texting’. Previously it was working late. Now the main tell tale sign of cheating is excessive texting on the cell phone. With the new technology, infidels have found new ways of conducting their clandestine activities. Cell phones may soon play a major role in sexual addictions as well. Many sexual addicts are now loading pictures and short films into their cell phones. So not only does one need to investigate the text messages, but they need to also check the photos and flicks contained on the cell phone as well.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs in the News, sexual addiction

Are you a mind reader?

June 25, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Some couples create problems for themselves by assuming they know what their spouse is thinking. Some even go so far as to complete sentences and attempt speaking for their spouse. These kinds of behaviors and assumptions do not enhance communication, they actually obstruct it. communication is more than just the words, it also includes the interaction between the spouses. Communication involves the two people connecting with each other on mental, emotional and spiritual levels. It includes giving each other time and space to speak what is on their mind. This is especially critical when there has been an affair. You may have a very good idea what your spouse is thinking, but they need you to allow them to speak for themselves. You need them to speak for themselves. When both spouses speak for themselves, then they can talk through things. When only one speaks for both, there is no communication going on. There is plenty of talking but no communication.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Know your limitations

June 23, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

Rather than wait until an affair happens, it is important that you define what behaviors and attitudes that you will not accept in your spouse. You need to define your boundaries clearly when it comes to questionable behavior. Will these boundaries keep an affair from occurring? NO the boundaries will not keep someone determined to commit adultery from doing so. What the boundaries will do is keep you from feeling so lost and adrift when trauma of an affair hits. When you know where you stand, you have some direction.

Another one of the many scars of an affair is that it puts those damaged by them morally adrift. Suddenly you may find yourself unsure of what is right, what is wrong, and which direction you need to go. Do you want them back? What can be and what can not be forgiven? Many issues that were very clear before the adultery are now muddled. This confusion is part of the natural reactions to the upheaval that just occurred. So when such times hit, do not think that you are a bad person or that you lost your faith, due to the confusion.

The preventative is to have clear boundaries. Once an affair occurs, clear boundaries are still needed, although they may be more challenging to come up with. The boundaries provide a reference point or starting point if you will.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs

Steps to take once an affair is found out.

June 21, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment


What to Do After an Affair

 

Don’t be frantic when you find out your spouse had an affair. It’s time for you to draw upon your strength and stand up for yourself. You have to remain strong. This, however, should not be your reason for not seeking out the help of your closest friends and the members of your family. When dealing with an affair, you have to keep in mind several principles. With these, you can regain your composure much more easily and rebuild your marriage and your family.

 

Be responsible. If you are the spouse who committed an affair, you have to take responsibility and be accountable. This means that you have to own up to your mistake and work hard in rebuilding your marriage. If you are the victim, then you owe it to yourself to be responsible for the kids and for the whole family. When your spouse asks for forgiveness, then you should also consider their plea. It is more important to be ‘responsible’ than reactive.

 

Ask for forgiveness. This step is more for the spouse who committed the affair. When you ask for forgiveness, you begin the process of healing and reconciliation. Forgiveness involves accepting responsibility for your part in what happened, admitting the wrongs involved, and beginning the process of making things right.You spouse may challenge the sincerity of your forgiveness if you do it half-heartedly, so it is imperative to be genuine when you seek forgiveness.

 

Get professional help. If you feel that this event is beneath your personal strength and power, seek professional help. Go get counseling and marriage assistance. This way, you can both look back and understand how you can improve your marriage together.

 

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Jealousy after the affair

June 20, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment


 

There is nothing wrong with being jealous. After all, marriage is founded on an exclusive partnership between you and your spouse. When your spouse shows interest and actively pursues another person, jealousy is a natural reaction to this violation of the trust in your exclusive partnership.

 

In spite of jealousy, however, affairs can and still do happen. They are disasters to your family, which if left unchecked could ruin your marriage and your family altogether.Just because there are no arguments does not mean things are settled. The issues leading up to the affair need to be addressed. Addressing these issues requires a strong love and determination for both of you to work it out.

 

After the affair, however, you will have to deal with jealousy. At the back of your mind, you might be asking whether or not your spouse is still seeing someone else. You might also be wondering if you have 100% of his or her affection and love.

 

There are two ways to deal with jealousy after the affair. One, you have to strengthen your own security in your own worth and analyze where your jealousy is coming from. Perhaps you are still harboring some bitterness over the affair. Although it takes some time for that to heal, you should consciously choose to forgive if your partner has truly changed.

 

You should also talk with your partner about your jealousy, especially if he or she is indeed showing some reasons for you to be jealous. When you do so, you can agree on how to ease your feelings of jealousy.


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Filed Under: Rebuilding the relationship

Lying & Affairs: Other effects on children

June 19, 2008 By Jeff Murrah Leave a Comment

After my post yesterday on the effects of lying on children, further insights came to me. When change happens, there are the initial or primary effects and there are the secondary effects. The idea of primary and secondary effects is well established. These ideas also apply human behavior such as lying.

Some of the secondary effects are that when parents lie about their own behavior, it will continue spreading to where they lie about the behavior of others. This also includes their own children. You will often find such parents lying or distorting the facts about what their children do. This is easily seen when the child acts out. The parents report of what happened will either be distorted or lied about in order to make it more acceptable. What is saddening is that when parents develp a pattern of lying, they will find themselves doing so as ‘second nature’. They will be able to do it without thinking. Lying will have become as natural as breathing. Children growing up in such a world will find that their misbehaviors are often ignored or treated as ‘something they can’t help. The idea of children being held responsible for their misbehaviors is no longer the standard used in the home. In order to allow the affair to continue, people are expected to keep secrets and maintain loyalty to only certain members of their group. There will be an ‘insiders’ group and an ‘outsiders’ group. Being raised in such an environment is unhealthy for children.

If you are in such a situation, it is important to begin taking steps to undo what has been done. Start by being honest with yourself and your family. Set up some accountability. Set up consistent structures that will add stability to the family.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

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Filed Under: Affairs and Children

Dealing with obsessions

June 18, 2008 By Jeff Murrah 1 Comment

One of the scars of having survived the affair is that you become obsessed with the affair. Not long after, you feel that every single woman that your husband talks to is a potential mistress (If you are the husband, you assume each man is a potential paramour). Your view of the world has changed. When your spouses watches movies, you may wonder which person she it ‘turned on’ by. Each time you ask such questions concerning others, a second question is there as well. That second question is “do I turn her on?” The vulnerability to such questions has been a boon to those selling Viagra and Cialis since they often exploit such questions.

 Even without evidence, you feel that your partner is cheating on you. In the first few months after the affair, this is understandable. However, when this goes on a year after the affair, you better check yourself. If your fears and fantasies have continued that long, you have crossed over the line to obsession.

Rather than obsess, you will need to work towards renewing your relationship with your partner. When you are already in control of your emotions, you should talk with each other and explore your unmet needs. When you do this, you become aware of unmet expectations and needs and you can start doing something about them.

Start doing things together. Such activities may be as simple as shopping, buying things together, and planning things for the kids. In this way, you can become less independent from each other and more dependent. When you start depending on each other, you then start drawing upon the strength of each other. You will then start connecting emotionally again. This way, your love for each other will grow again.  

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