Archive Page 3
Congressman Tim Mahoney campaigned on bringing morals into the office of his predecessor Mark Foley. He ended up paying out an alleged former mistress $121, 000. He had promised her a job with a $50,000 year income. Even accusations of affairs can be expensive. Promises are made and decisions are made in haste in dealing with such matters.
Affairs in the News, alleged mistress payment, Congressman Mark Foley., Congressman Tim Mahoney
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One of the painful realities concerning cheating and infidelity is when the resolute spouse recognizes that they missed many early warning signs. Many times they knew something was not right “in their gut” but they ignored it. They sensed that things were not what they should be and dismissed it. The early warning signs are not to be dismissed. When your spouse distances themselves from you, or there is a sudden change in their talkativeness, or the usual patterns of behavior are changed it is not the time to dismiss it. When your gut tells you something, then is the time to take action and ask, rather than ignore it to your own detriment. Learn to trust your gut rather than ignore it.
Many people of the world operate on the principle that it is better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Sadly, they apply this to affairs as well. Since that is a prominent pattern, it is better to ask and be wrong than to ignore and be right.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
catching a cheating spouse, cheating, early warning signs of affairs, gut feelings and affairs, ignoring the early warning signs, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, Understanding Affairs
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Years ago, the musical group, the Moody Blues performed a song that included the line, “through the eyes of a child…”. This is a good song to keep in mind when a spouse is looking at an affair situation. Adults have a way a of rationalizing and excusing cheating. When a person wants to cheat, the mind has a way of making the unacceptable sound acceptable. Although the adult mind may distort things, a child’s mind does not look at things the same way. Although the parent may excuse the affair and believe it is acceptable, they forget that one day they will have to answer to their children. Even though their children may not ask questions at the time of an affair, they eventually will. Before you excuse the cheating, look at it through your child’s eyes and you will see things differently. Children have a simple way of looking at the world. They look at the world in black and white rather than excusing behaviors.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Affairs and Children, dealing with affairs, exlaining cheating to children, explaining affairs to children, through the eyes of a child
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One of the problems couples struggle with in recovering from cheating and infidelity concerns compromising. Normally compromising is good for relationships, yet when cheating is involved, couples are often not clear on their boundaries. The lack of clarity concerning boundaries leads to compromise after compromise after compromise. Although it sounds healthy, the compromising which occurs after cheating often consists of one party caving in on their position and the other not giving much of anything up. Although it is called compromising, in reality it is more often giving ground. A true compromise involves both parties changing their positions. When the compromise is one-sided, it is not really a compromise. In my experience, what often occurs is that one of the spouses surrenders their right of accountability just to keep the peace. That is not a compromise. In such situations, someone is trying to avoid guilt reactions in response to their behaviors.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
affairs, cheating, dealing with affairs, infidelity, marriage counseling, Rebuilding the relationship, relationships
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In the recent storm of Hurricane Ike, I was exposed to some truths about affairs that I had never considered before. What I personally experienced was how a few hours on a Friday night could change one’s whole life. When I thought how the storm had radically changed my life, by forcing immediate changes on me, I realized that a similar pattern occurs with affairs. The events that occur in a few hours time can radically change the lives of those involved. (Radical means “to the root”). The changes that occur change attitudes, relationships and the ability to trust. When a spouse cheats, the whole world that was once known is suddenly changed into a confused jumble of emotions. Those few hours of the affair can change everything in a very dramatic way.
The suddeness of the change adds an unreal element to the relationship along with a sense of shock. It is as if one’s whole world has been suddenly changed. Although some of these changes can be worked through, the pain of those changes leave scars that can take years to heal. Those few hours on a Friday night can change your world.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
cheating, infidelity, the effects of cheating, the shock of infidelity, Understanding Affairs, understanind infidelity
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Secrets provide the power and the spice to cheating. The keeping of secrets adds some excitement to the situation. Those same secrets are also part of the emotional chains and shackles that make it difficult to pull away from the affair. When you are taking steps to end an affair, it is important to be honest with yourself about what has occurred. Lying to oneself only makes it more difficult to deal with matters. The mind is a wonderful problem solving tool, yet when it is confused with the secrets associated with affairs, it can manufacture and excuse many unsavory behaviors. Rather than believe your own excuses, it is essential to tell yourself the truth.
Tell youself the truth about your cheating and infidelity. Rather than excuse it by saying “I’m only human”, or “I am just a man/woman” or “I couldn’t help it”- honestly admit what you did.
Just as believing the lies did not happen overnight, escaping the lies will take time as well. Start by telling yourself the truth about what you did and then be honest with yourself on a daily basis. Over time, you ability to think clearly will return, but it begins with honesty.
Regards,
Jeff Murrah
adultery, infidelity, making excuses for cheating, telling yourself the truth, the truth about cheating, Understanding Affairs
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Cheating and money problems are often found close to each other. Not all financial problems are due to affairs, although some spouses resort to cheating as a way to avoid dealing with and facing their fiscal and marital problems. Financial problems will bring added stress to any relationship. With marriages, it not only puts the added tension, but also increases the risks of infidelity. When in desperate times, people often consider options that they would not have considered under ‘normal’ circumstances.
It is important that couples work together, especially during times of hardship. By working with each other rather than against each other, the risk of cheating is reduced.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
cheating and financial stress, high risk affair situations, infidelity and finances, is he cheating, reducing the chances of cheating, Understanding Affairs
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I find it an oddity that many people use affairs as a pretext for divorce. Somehow when a spouse has an affair, it makes divorce an acceptable option. It is as if the equation infidelity/cheating=D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Even when the divorce option is used to remedy the situation, the relationship and personality dynamics that set the stage for an affair are still in place. Those dynamics still need attention. The divorce only legally ends the marriage, it does not solve the problem, whether it was one of difficulty with commitment, sexual issues, intimacy issues or knowing how to be in a relationship. Such issues will still need to be addressed.
The oddity of using an affair is pretext for a divorce is even excused citing Biblical references to excuse the divorce. These excuses often blind the people from addressing the issues that led to the cheating in the first place. Such issues need to be addressed if the person wants to improve their lives and their relationships. What I have seen in many of these cases is that the decision is made concerning a desire and willingness to divorce long before the affair. The cheating in such scenarios is only when the trap is sprung, and their plan for divorce can be” put into action”. Yes, such thinking sounds sinister, which it is. In such cases, the cheating is part of a desire for divorce, although it is never acknowledged. In other words, the cheating and reaction to the cheating acts like a sub-concious desire for divorce.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
Biblical excuses for divorce, cheating and divorce, cheating in relationships, divorce, infidelity, infidelity and divorce, Rebuilding the relationship, the Bible and cheating, Understanding Affairs
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In the recent devastation of Hurricane Ike and the subsequent recovery, I was reminded of the nature of recovery. Recovery takes time. Recovery is often uncomfortable, taking us way out of our comfort zones and to places that we never dreamed we would be. There are embarrassing questions and things that you would not discuss in public are now having to be discussed openly.
Once the information is out in the open, it does not mean that the problem is over or resolved. If anything, it only means that now it is dealt with publically. The recovery will take time. Even months after the pain of the affair is known, it takes months and years to recover from the pain. Each day the pain it fades a little, yet continues like an incessant aching. There are things that trigger more intense moments.
Best Regards
how long does it take to recover, infidelity recovery, Rebuilding the relationship, recovery from an affair, Understanding Affairs
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In the chaotic days after finding out about an affair, there is often a desire to ‘take revenge’ on the adulterer. Revenge does little to repair the relationship. When in the midst of pain, the thought of revenge is tempting. Taking revenge will inflict pain on one’s spouse, it will provide a release of negative emotions, but it will not bring healing. Revenge only brings more hurt. Fighting a hurt by inflicting more hurt is not good logic nor does it provide any emotional healing to the relationship.
The desire to inflict hurt takes on many shapes. There may be a desire to inflict physical pain, emotional pain or both. Punishing the adulterer, changes the focus to pain, rather than focusing on healing or relationship building.
Best Regards,
Jeff Murrah
cheating and hurt, pain and infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, revenge and affairs, Understanding Affairs
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