Archive Page 3

Affairs wreak damage on relationships. They can also lead to damage of careers, jobs and reputations. One area often damaged by affairs, but not frequently discussed is health. The most obvious health related concern is communicable diseases. Since some of these are potentially life threatening, it is a concern. The risk taking involved in participating in the affair spills over into taking unwise risks concerning exposure to diseases. The adulterers forget the old adage that if it is easy to get them in bed, you are probably not the first to do so.

Other health concerns include, high blood pressure, lack of sleep, with all the disorders that go with that, headaches, irritable bowel, and heart palpitations.  These health problems are not limited to the adulterer. Many of these health concerns develop with the spouse of the adulterer. Having the affair may provide some boost to the ego and a few minutes of pleasure, but is it worth all the potential health related problems that often go with it?  Is it worth the worry and stress that are part of the price tag? Those few minutes of pleasure are very expensive in term of what it costs regarding peace of mind and trust.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs and health, anxiety disorders and affairs, high blood pressure and affairs, infidelity and health, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Affairs are often painted by its proponents as being  between “consenting adults”, or as “a victimless crime”. Those attempting to excuse affairs often find any excuse they can, from anthropology research regarding various primitive tribes, polls taken in Men’s/Women’s magazines to the questionable Kinsey research. What the research, polls, and observations fail to report is the effect on children. They also do not report how an affair impacts those surrounding the infidel and their family. The infidel is often so focused on self-gratification or the needs of the tempter/temptress they ignore the needs of their own family in the process. They may ask questions about “What about my needs?/desires/wants in order to mentally excuse their actions. Such questions only reveal the level of confusion they are experiencing. The act of infidelity begins a ripple effect that touches many more people than just the parties involved. It effects the abilitly of those around them to trust them. It sends the message that ’selfishness’ is ok. It sends the message that your own gratification takes priority over reputation or honor.

I am still pondering which comes first, the making of excuses, that justify the ‘me first’ mentality or the affair. What is clear is that the two go hand in hand. If you or your spouse has the ‘me first’ mentality, danger is around the corner.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

magazine polls, me first. its all about me and affairs, selfishness and affairs, the thinking of an adulterer, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

There are some couples who actually plant seeds for their own destruction within the marriage. One way this occurs is through the use of fantasy and toys. Although many couples find that these may enhance their playtime, there is a hidden danger. The hidden danger is that such practices often lead to you or your spouse developing a taste for the toys and fantasies. This danger becomes apparent when a seducer or seductress dresses or wants to play the same game. Since the sensitivity to the game is already there, the seduction is half-done when it begins. The stiletto heels make you look nice, but you will want your husband attracted to you rather than your stiletto heels. If he is attached to the stilettos more than you, then the next person wearing stilettos will find it easy to attract him. Fetishes, by their very nature, focus on attaching emotions to the objects rather than the person wearing them. So, the same reaction will occur whenever someone else wears the fetish object or toy the next time.

One of the things that swingers find exciting is the dressing up for the event. The excitement of the toys and fantasy is one of the ways used to keep people hooked into such lifestyles.

Best Regards,

J Murrah

fantasy and affairs, fetishes and affairs, infidelity and fetishes, relationships, swingers, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Is it possible that you are in denial concerning an affair? Many times there are signals and messages that things are different, yet the one spouse is oblivious to the signals. Changes in dress, speech, appearance, habits, and friends are all indications that something is happening. You may know that something is changing, but do you know the reason for those changes. When you see changes in your spouses emotional distance from you, when you since a change in how they respond to you, it may be time to ask questions about what is behind it. When you are given an answer, it the words sound hollow or do not ring true, you may want to explore matters further. When we are in denial, we often want to believe the lies, rather than seeking out the truth.Your gut will alert you to when things are not what they seem.

Learn to pay attention to your gut. How often has your gut led you astray? If it has not, then what makes you think it is doing so now? Knowing what signals to listen to is part of breaking through the denial. Rather than live in a dream world of denial, you will need to develop the habit of living in the real world.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

denial about relationships, denial and affairs, denial and cheating, denial and infidelity, overcoming denial, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

A commonly asked question that challenges many with its answer is “Can a person be driven to an affair?” In emotionally unhealthy marriages, spouses often find themselves feeling desperate in finding ways to meet their needs. The needs are legitimate. There is nothing wrong with the needs. What becomes problematic is when they see the affair as a way to meet those needs. When spouses can not talk through their issues or do not have the freedom to bring up their issues with their partner, the likelihood of an affair is greater.

This means you need to be approachable. You will need to listen to your spouse. In listening to them, you will need to hear them out, rather than react.  By hearing them out, you are demonstrating your willingness to be open. Spouses often know that “talk is cheap”, and that their partners often promises, but does not deliver. In an effort to be a spouse that delivers on their word, listen to your partner’s concerns. Let them talk WITHOUT correcting them or talking down to them, at least until they have finished telling your their concerns. I have seen many spouses focused more on correcting their partners than listening to them and the results are disasterous.

affairs, driven to an affair, driven to infidelity, infidelity, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

In the aftermath of an affair, behaviors are often at the forefront of the arguments/discussions. The reason behaviors are at the front is their visibility. They make easy targets since they are observable. Behaviors can be either denied or admitted to. What is often not discussed is attitudes. It is as if the attitudes are hidden behind the behaviors. Attitudes color the daily interactions of spouses, yet are rarely the focus of attention after an affair. Although we know what it is like to be on the receiving end of an attitude, bringing those attitudes to the attention of one’s spouse is often a challenging matter.

It is important to deal with the attitudes AND the behaviors, rather than just what is easily observable. With attitudes, each spouse will need to assume responsibility for what they have felt, thought and done. It is only when they assume that responsibility that the “look what you made me do” or “you made me feel this way” is going to stop.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, cheating, dealing with the attitudes behind affairs, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs, what are the behaviors hiding

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Adultery is one of those heinous acts that people often search for who is to blame. The focus on blaming often keeps each of the spouses from taking an honest look at what each can do to improve the marriage. The blaming often takes the form of good person/bad person. A distinct difference is noted between the two spouses. This good person/bad person often takes center stage rather than what each did that contributed to the situation developing or what needs to be done to improve the marriage.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

blame for the affair, blame for the infidelity, cheating, relationships, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

A question that is often very difficult to handle is “Is it my fault that my spouse had an affair?” Such questions often keep the emotional tension at a high point. There are feelings of guilt, shame, anger and often rage associated with this question. Many times there are mixed answers to the question. There are the the answers you tell yourself, and then there are the gut-level answers that often gnaw at you. Just by asking the question, you are looking for someone or something to blame for what happened. There is a massive search for the donkey to pin the tail on. Since most people have difficulty accepting blame and responsibility, this is a question that seeks to appease the conscience and attach or remove blame. It is a question that few want to look at honestly, yet all need to if they want to repair their relationship.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

adultery, blame for adultery, blame for the affair, cheating, infidelity, relationships, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

One of my sons is a Quintin Tarantino fan, and as such he uses quotes from his movies. One of those quotes concerns revenge. In one movie of the Kill Bill series, revenge is likened to a forest that one often gets lost in. The more I thought about it, I realized there is some truth to it from what I have seen with couples. It is common for one spouse to seek revenge for the affair. Filing for divorce is often a form of revenge. In the case of filing for divorce, the spouse often gets lost in the forest. Divorce lawyers end up costing more than expected.  What should have been a few hundred dollars has turned into several thousand, and you are no closer to final settlement. The deisre to get out or the relationship often turns into a drive to devestate them while devestaring yourself in the process. When this mutual devestation of emotional and financial resources takes place, they have definitely gotten lost in the forest. They forgot what they wanted in the first place. Before you get lost in the forest of revenge, consider what it is that you really want in the aftermath of an affair.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs and divorce, infidelity and divorce, Infidelity and revenge, revenge and divorce dont mix well, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

In reading through articles concerning affairs, a complaint made by adulterers is the lack of resources available to them. I exclaimed to myself “Are they not looking?!” It surprised me that the concern was raised. After thinking about it, I realized that this is the kind of thinking that got them in this place anyways. They want a quick fix to the marriage that involves a minimal amount of effort. That is not going to happen. I know of several books that deal with that topic. Gary Smalley and Willard Harley have written some just to name a couple. You will need to repair the marriage, not just patch up the damage from the affair.

If they can not find one specifically for them, they can use one of the books to help the resolute spouse and do some reverse engineering if nothing else. They need to understand how it effects their spouse as well as themselves. The material is out there in terms of how to repair their marriage. They may have to look for it and find what works for them, but even the search is part of the healing process. “How badly to you want to heal your marriage?” is a question they need to consider.

The same article was expressing concern about how the therapists want them to admit the affair to their spouse. This information was expressed as a concern. I would be concerned if the therapist did not want to make them get honest about the affair.  Hiding secrets often gets us into worse problems than would occur if they were dealt with.

Best Regards,

Jeff Murrah

affairs, cheating, dealing with your cheating, healing for the adulterer, infidelity, Rebuilding the relationship, resources for the adulterer, Understanding Affairs

If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!